I think he likes me.

Josh called me from his campsite in Bend, tonight. He listened to every word I had to say about my day, after he told me about his. He talked about the cat. He asked to join me in the kitchen more often. He wants to find healthy ways to have activity together? I think he really absorbed my complaint that I've felt very disconnected from him lately. I felt so heard and held and cared-for, in this conversation, like I haven't in a very long time. I appreciate so much that he's making genuine effort. It can be so hard for him because the kinds of things I need that are lacking, like spontaneous physical touch/affection, compliments relating to my physical appearance or small daily accomplishments, even if it's just cooking or cleaning, or suggesting things we can do together that are more aligned with my interests, is so hard for him, because he doesn't need any of those things from me. He also suggested us watching more hiking shows together. IB TAT just finished his through-hike of the CDT and with it his triple crown, and I've followed this whole journey with rapt interest, and showed Josh a few episodes. Josh asked after the last one, if there were another hiker we could find with less cursing, lol. I showed him Dixie and he looooooved her video style. I'm surprised he enjoys watching hiking since he doesn't always enjoy actual hiking, but he does value spectacular landscapes so I think if I can find hikes that include those, we'll be set.

I'm so grateful for the care this shows. I feel very loved.

lonely deaths.

one of the most painful aspects of my parents' deaths is that there is just no one left to care at all, besides my brother and myself. it's an incredibly painful burden.

we have no extended family, no friends who care anymore, the step-family is only peripherally connected to her and never really accepted her in the first place (she kind of didn't let them), one of her piano students emailed me when she died, that's about it.

mom pushed everyone she knew away before she fell ill, with bad behavior, alcohol, and straight up cruelty and telling them to get out of her life (including disowning me, and taking out a restraining order on her husband, my step-dad, after he moved out when he couldn't tolerate her drinking and outbursts and wild overspending anymore). She had dementia for the following ten years, after she lost the house, and even though she may have wanted to, there was very little way for any of her old friends to reconnect with her in a meaningful way, at least, it wouldn't have been easy or meaningful or comfortable for them. So none of them came back. She had such an incredible network of friends and admirers that it's just really painful and sad to think about what failures people can be, in times of need. but dementia is hard, too hard for most people to deal with.

everyone abandoned her, and us, when she needed them the most.

so it's just me and my brother, to hold her ashes, to hold onto photos and books and knick knacks and little scraps of memories, of times filled with so much love and joy and hope. filled with music and stories, dance and history, wisdom and pragmatic skills, all lost, except what little shreds we hold in our hearts, alone.

naughty scents

Bought perfume for myself. I haven't owned or worn perfume in over 20 years? I prefer lotion these days, if anything.

But this stuff.

I smell like a succubus lol.

post-silks-visit comedown

been hiding from existence on my computer for 3 hours. trying to decide if i should gothy dance tonight or not. i haven't gone in so long. i miss it. dark makeup and glitter. i weirdly want to wear my silly ridiculous ghosty sox. i think they'd look funny in the blacklight, little silly ghosts sliding up my calves and shins, lol.

need to dl those videos for natasha, i filmed some of her aerial stuff today. she's such a sweetie.