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oversharing time. again.
Jun. 1st, 2022 04:08 pmhaving a tough time. today is supposed to be my day to get out into nature but instead i worked and sparkled and cleaned and tried to call one of mom's last good friends (i'm not sure if her number is correct or if it is still in use - i left messages at two nondescript beeps).
i can't seem to get mom's stuff together while sober, nor while tipsy, i maybe need to find an in-between state, or just someone to hold my hand.
i'm in such a nonfunctional place that i have to reward myself for very simple basic tasks like taking a shower or walking to the post office box in order to get anything at all done.
was hoping to get up at a reasonable time this morning but it was harder than ever to pull myself out of bed.
now i'm avoiding work and mom stuff and unsure of what to do. i have some errands to run and am hoping when i get back i can restart my attempts to get anything meaningful accomplished. it's just so sad and hard.
stuff is so deeply complicated by the fact that my relationship with my mom was always toxic. first, toxic in its codependency, and her attempts to live through me and take my accomplishments personally and then demonize me for my failures. then later when she got more heavily into drinking (she was a day drinker every day of my entire life, but in her 60s started to get actually noticeably drunk every day), came the hatred and disowning and endless shit-talking. her shit-talking me was such a habit that after we re-connected, once she was so ill that she couldn't remember why she hated me and started acting like the victim and asking my brother why I was so mean and refused to see her (?? uh, because you told our entire family and all of your friends that you refused to ever be in the same room with me again and that i was dead to you, maybe?), she would accidentally fall into a shit-talking Sarah rant while I was there with her, because she forgot that I was, in fact, Sarah. She entirely forgot that I was her daughter not soon after these accidental slips, and I had to learn to stop calling her "mom" because she found it confusing and would just ignore it and get all quiet and shut down if that word ever came up.
so, because of the disowning, i had no access to any of her friends, so when she got sick, she couldn't read or write anymore, she forgot how to dial or answer a phone, and i had no way to reconnect her with people she cared about. i don't know if they would want to talk to me, even if i could find their numbers.
So that part is one of the hardest things for me, right now. that i can't invite people who i know would want to be there, because i have no way to contact them.
also it's just really hard to be the only person who cares enough to create a memorial ceremony for someone who hated me and had disowned me and made me feel orphaned and utterly rejected for about a decade. (dad died 20 years ago. grandparents long before that. there is no one left but me and my brother, now.) it would me understandable if i decided to do nothing of the sort. but i can't not do that. because she was an incredible human being and she worked so hard and i know that at least for some of my life, she did everything she could to give me the best life she could with what tools she had. we are all only doing the best that we can do.
i have to repeat this mantra to myself when it comes to my brother not lifting a finger to help. she never disowned him, btw. he was always a perfect angel in her eyes. (she was a misogynist at heart). even when i was the one buying her new clothes and underwear when she soiled herself and he refused to reimburse me with money that the state gave her for exactly those instances, he demanded receipts, and who can keep track of that, i was already overwhelmed with tracking receipts for my newly forming faery hair business plus two other part time jobs, when he had triple my income at the time and tbh buying diapers and pants and shoes and purses and coats and whatever else she needed every time i visited her each week was a hardship for me, at the time.
i have for the most part worked through this anger and resentment and have chosen to love the person she was before she got ill and hateful. but this week has been wearing me down and rendering me a bit raw and triggered.
i can't seem to get mom's stuff together while sober, nor while tipsy, i maybe need to find an in-between state, or just someone to hold my hand.
i'm in such a nonfunctional place that i have to reward myself for very simple basic tasks like taking a shower or walking to the post office box in order to get anything at all done.
was hoping to get up at a reasonable time this morning but it was harder than ever to pull myself out of bed.
now i'm avoiding work and mom stuff and unsure of what to do. i have some errands to run and am hoping when i get back i can restart my attempts to get anything meaningful accomplished. it's just so sad and hard.
stuff is so deeply complicated by the fact that my relationship with my mom was always toxic. first, toxic in its codependency, and her attempts to live through me and take my accomplishments personally and then demonize me for my failures. then later when she got more heavily into drinking (she was a day drinker every day of my entire life, but in her 60s started to get actually noticeably drunk every day), came the hatred and disowning and endless shit-talking. her shit-talking me was such a habit that after we re-connected, once she was so ill that she couldn't remember why she hated me and started acting like the victim and asking my brother why I was so mean and refused to see her (?? uh, because you told our entire family and all of your friends that you refused to ever be in the same room with me again and that i was dead to you, maybe?), she would accidentally fall into a shit-talking Sarah rant while I was there with her, because she forgot that I was, in fact, Sarah. She entirely forgot that I was her daughter not soon after these accidental slips, and I had to learn to stop calling her "mom" because she found it confusing and would just ignore it and get all quiet and shut down if that word ever came up.
so, because of the disowning, i had no access to any of her friends, so when she got sick, she couldn't read or write anymore, she forgot how to dial or answer a phone, and i had no way to reconnect her with people she cared about. i don't know if they would want to talk to me, even if i could find their numbers.
So that part is one of the hardest things for me, right now. that i can't invite people who i know would want to be there, because i have no way to contact them.
also it's just really hard to be the only person who cares enough to create a memorial ceremony for someone who hated me and had disowned me and made me feel orphaned and utterly rejected for about a decade. (dad died 20 years ago. grandparents long before that. there is no one left but me and my brother, now.) it would me understandable if i decided to do nothing of the sort. but i can't not do that. because she was an incredible human being and she worked so hard and i know that at least for some of my life, she did everything she could to give me the best life she could with what tools she had. we are all only doing the best that we can do.
i have to repeat this mantra to myself when it comes to my brother not lifting a finger to help. she never disowned him, btw. he was always a perfect angel in her eyes. (she was a misogynist at heart). even when i was the one buying her new clothes and underwear when she soiled herself and he refused to reimburse me with money that the state gave her for exactly those instances, he demanded receipts, and who can keep track of that, i was already overwhelmed with tracking receipts for my newly forming faery hair business plus two other part time jobs, when he had triple my income at the time and tbh buying diapers and pants and shoes and purses and coats and whatever else she needed every time i visited her each week was a hardship for me, at the time.
i have for the most part worked through this anger and resentment and have chosen to love the person she was before she got ill and hateful. but this week has been wearing me down and rendering me a bit raw and triggered.
