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Jul. 5th, 2022
had three tofu dogs when i got home from werk, then just a hot dog bun with butter, then elderberry pie, then i don't even remember what else, oh right, an entire container of olives. just a lot of comfort binging, tonight. i worked too hard today. i am in so. much. pain. physical and psychological. it's just bad today. everything hurts too much.
i have it so much better than most, but the shit that i've been through is more than i can bear. to be pushed aside by younger people when i'm shocked i was still standing at all is just insult to injury.
the grief, the loss, the lack of support, the disconnection, the lack of care, the relatives who have died and were dead before i was born, i look around at all these people who have so much support and love, they've never felt what life would be like if there were nobody to catch a fall. let alone family who actively pushes you down. and i just want to slink into the void and never emerge.
(it'll happen soon enough.)
(i agreed to let my brother mail things here, and sent him my full mailing address immediately, which he already had. his first package came here, and now all the rest have gone to the old apartment. part of the shoulder pain today is from carrying a very heavy box across the apartment complex for him. today the old apartment had his air conditioner delivered to it. After I re-sent him current address - we've been here for seven months - again. i have no way to get it to my apartment, and i am gone all day tomorrow. i hope it sits safe in that other hallway for a few days, because i don't even want to start down the road of trying to coordinate getting him a key so that he can pick it up. it's causing me so much stress - his carelessness always leads to my suffering, and guess who he's going to be furious at when i don't hand deliver a key - he actually expected me to hand deliver his packages to his home when they first started arriving.)
hiking tomorrow. need to get out. got my poles out of tyler's garage, finally. he described their location which tells me he doesn't want to say hello even though i drove over to his house. so i didn't. i don't want anything to do with him right now. i am assuming this feeling will pass. it feels permanent. so much anger and loathing at all the shitty ways he's treated me over the years. can it just finally be done. it's probably not. you can't just erase nine years of love. (well, i never have been able to do that.) but it feels erased, in this moment.
work was cheering me up until it started to hurt my shoulder. it sucks that i have four more days of it to get through this week. i want it to be over.
i want a lot of things to be over.
i have it so much better than most, but the shit that i've been through is more than i can bear. to be pushed aside by younger people when i'm shocked i was still standing at all is just insult to injury.
the grief, the loss, the lack of support, the disconnection, the lack of care, the relatives who have died and were dead before i was born, i look around at all these people who have so much support and love, they've never felt what life would be like if there were nobody to catch a fall. let alone family who actively pushes you down. and i just want to slink into the void and never emerge.
(it'll happen soon enough.)
(i agreed to let my brother mail things here, and sent him my full mailing address immediately, which he already had. his first package came here, and now all the rest have gone to the old apartment. part of the shoulder pain today is from carrying a very heavy box across the apartment complex for him. today the old apartment had his air conditioner delivered to it. After I re-sent him current address - we've been here for seven months - again. i have no way to get it to my apartment, and i am gone all day tomorrow. i hope it sits safe in that other hallway for a few days, because i don't even want to start down the road of trying to coordinate getting him a key so that he can pick it up. it's causing me so much stress - his carelessness always leads to my suffering, and guess who he's going to be furious at when i don't hand deliver a key - he actually expected me to hand deliver his packages to his home when they first started arriving.)
hiking tomorrow. need to get out. got my poles out of tyler's garage, finally. he described their location which tells me he doesn't want to say hello even though i drove over to his house. so i didn't. i don't want anything to do with him right now. i am assuming this feeling will pass. it feels permanent. so much anger and loathing at all the shitty ways he's treated me over the years. can it just finally be done. it's probably not. you can't just erase nine years of love. (well, i never have been able to do that.) but it feels erased, in this moment.
work was cheering me up until it started to hurt my shoulder. it sucks that i have four more days of it to get through this week. i want it to be over.
i want a lot of things to be over.
yes i fail at life thanks for noticing
Jul. 5th, 2022 11:25 pmall of my friends who are in therapy (but one) and half the internet is trying to force an ADHD diagnosis down my throat. i don't need a label for the messiness of my life, it's called shitty childhood/poor coping mechanisms and i am frankly just shocked to be alive at all k thx.