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Jan. 13th, 2023
dreary dark soggy days
Jan. 13th, 2023 10:09 pmsinking a bit deep into a january depression.
both of my parents died in january. dad 21 years ago, mom two years ago.
they would be eighty, if they were here.
they should be here.
(will not entertain the belief in any sort of "higher power" that in any way cares about humans, while this is the case.)
I was lucky enough to have an adoring father. he left, but he did shower me with love and affection and compliments, when he was around. he could not provide for us, but he loved us fiercely. not everyone has that. i know how fortunate i am to have had him for a dad.
i did not get enough time with him.
he could be flaky, but he was never malicious or manipulative, the way mom was. mom loved me fiercely too, but, she also used love against me. I know she did the best she could, and only did this because she didn't know how else to deal with her fear or insecurity or my craziness or whatever else. But the damage it caused was irreparable.
dad never did that.
..
UGH. a gunshot just went off. sounded like it was actually inside the courtyard? Or at the dumpsters, maybe? Jeeeezus.
Am I supposed to call police or something? (I'm not going to.)
Oh, great, there goes another one.
Maybe it's fireworks.
(One can always hope.)
It does actually sound exactly like a mortar firework thing.
I don't really feel like looking out the window?
But it could be leftover from the new year.
at 10:30pm, on a rainy night, on Friday the 13th of January, sure.
Anyway.
Yeah.
My foot hurt after work today.
I am tempted to take the rest of the month off.
I keep eating comfort food. Just had a rum ball (finally, I've been saving it since xmas) and two last chocolate truffles.
so tasty.
still want crackers or something. but will maybe just have squash. or an orange.
omg i really want popcorn. too late to run the popper though.
(Still eating mostly healthy things, just way, way too much of them. I'm eating way past the point of fullness, consistently. Digging myself deeper into this hole of weight gain, but whatever, I can't even right now. Some days I just have to give up. I can try again tomorrow. Or not.)
I think the Gudetama show is a little bit de-motivating, ha.
But it's the first thing that made me laugh to the point of tears in a very, very long time.
Another explosion and now I can hear a saw cutting a catalytic converter.
(I've heard it enough times to know the sound, though it's never been audible from the apartment, before.)
Shit.
...
oh, they found a second catalytic converter.
This is how it's gunna be, huh.
(Portland police don't come when called for cats. Who can blame them really.)
maybe when i'm ready i can take some 'before' photos and then (when my foot heals and i can run again) hunker down and do some deep meditation and work on sitting with my cravings and feeling feels instead of eating to numb.
at age 47, nearly a year into peri-menopause, running is literally the only thing that makes a dent in belly fat. (visceral fat. cortisol-induced fat.)
but, i'll do that later. because meh. it's too hard right now.
.
(I'm on the episode entitled "Give Up Already" lol)
It reminds me of a gentler/mellower/softer version of Aqua Teen Hunger Force, kinda?
both of my parents died in january. dad 21 years ago, mom two years ago.
they would be eighty, if they were here.
they should be here.
(will not entertain the belief in any sort of "higher power" that in any way cares about humans, while this is the case.)
I was lucky enough to have an adoring father. he left, but he did shower me with love and affection and compliments, when he was around. he could not provide for us, but he loved us fiercely. not everyone has that. i know how fortunate i am to have had him for a dad.
i did not get enough time with him.
he could be flaky, but he was never malicious or manipulative, the way mom was. mom loved me fiercely too, but, she also used love against me. I know she did the best she could, and only did this because she didn't know how else to deal with her fear or insecurity or my craziness or whatever else. But the damage it caused was irreparable.
dad never did that.
..
UGH. a gunshot just went off. sounded like it was actually inside the courtyard? Or at the dumpsters, maybe? Jeeeezus.
Am I supposed to call police or something? (I'm not going to.)
Oh, great, there goes another one.
Maybe it's fireworks.
(One can always hope.)
It does actually sound exactly like a mortar firework thing.
I don't really feel like looking out the window?
But it could be leftover from the new year.
at 10:30pm, on a rainy night, on Friday the 13th of January, sure.
Anyway.
Yeah.
My foot hurt after work today.
I am tempted to take the rest of the month off.
I keep eating comfort food. Just had a rum ball (finally, I've been saving it since xmas) and two last chocolate truffles.
so tasty.
still want crackers or something. but will maybe just have squash. or an orange.
omg i really want popcorn. too late to run the popper though.
(Still eating mostly healthy things, just way, way too much of them. I'm eating way past the point of fullness, consistently. Digging myself deeper into this hole of weight gain, but whatever, I can't even right now. Some days I just have to give up. I can try again tomorrow. Or not.)
I think the Gudetama show is a little bit de-motivating, ha.
But it's the first thing that made me laugh to the point of tears in a very, very long time.
Another explosion and now I can hear a saw cutting a catalytic converter.
(I've heard it enough times to know the sound, though it's never been audible from the apartment, before.)
Shit.
...
oh, they found a second catalytic converter.
This is how it's gunna be, huh.
(Portland police don't come when called for cats. Who can blame them really.)
maybe when i'm ready i can take some 'before' photos and then (when my foot heals and i can run again) hunker down and do some deep meditation and work on sitting with my cravings and feeling feels instead of eating to numb.
at age 47, nearly a year into peri-menopause, running is literally the only thing that makes a dent in belly fat. (visceral fat. cortisol-induced fat.)
but, i'll do that later. because meh. it's too hard right now.
.
(I'm on the episode entitled "Give Up Already" lol)
It reminds me of a gentler/mellower/softer version of Aqua Teen Hunger Force, kinda?