January days

It's a bit of a struggle just to be conscious, right now.

It would be the perfect, perfect day to clean the apartment, but Josh is very sick. So he is here. All day. I can't clean when he is underfoot.

He hasn't tested for covid and I don't want to ask him to, he just had covid over thanksgiving. But there are strains that make their living by reinfecting - the xbb1.5 strain is a recombinant, meaning in formed in carriers who had two strains of Omicron at the same time. That's like having two colds at once. Generally, this doesn't happen, because your body is already primed to be fighting viruses and reducing viral count so any further exposure isn't a threat. This shouldn't happen, but it does, with this virus.

Poor thing. He probably just has a cold?

I'm testing negative. I felt I had to test myself for work, even though I have no symptoms.

As long as I have a negative test I feel okay working. Even if my hubs is coughing and sneezing.

....

I ate over two thousand calories yesterday. I feel weirdly okay about it, today. I think I just needed a day, you know?

had a good morning workout today and did all of my PT already except for the sitting stretch, I'll do that shortly. Foot feels meh. I still hate that I can't run but I'm excited that Hanne is joining me at the lookout tower on Monday, so I'm focused on cleaning as much as I can and prepping for that.

And maybe dancing tonight.

...

There was someone I realized in the middle of the night last night who needs to be watching Gudetama, but I can't for the life of me remember who it was. That I was like, OMG you have to watch this. Ohyeah Gregory maybe.

...

I'm a bit high on coffee and walking around in the rain. It feels temporary but really good.

I bought a latte and immediately dumped the entire thing. They refused to charge me for another so I tipped them the cost of the second drink. Let's sit with the comfort of how spilling a latte is no longer a horrible hardship - I can afford to replace it. I am so grateful to be here.

.

I've been wracking my brain trying to remember the name of this song for three days. I had the word "super" but couldn't finish it, until finally coming home from the soggiest farmers market visit. YAY I love this song so much, so glad I found it.

Watch on YouTube

I don't believe in fate
Nor psychic vision
But when things fall into place, superposition
In any universe you are my dark star
I want you to want me
Why don't we rely on chemistry?
Why don't we collide the spaces that divide us?
I want you to want me

to be that loving.

So fortunate to have had loving parents, who did the best they could.

Watching mom decline slowly and terribly from dementia is something i will never recover from.

dad has been gone far too long, 21 years now, and never should have been taken by cancer. i needed him. i still need him. he struggled a lot with addiction and never was able to have any sort of stable income, but he was full of love and never took his troubles out on anyone. he adored me and he never held back an ounce of love or affection. his father was brutally abusive and he shielded us from that fiercely. he was a protector and a warm, safe place. and so wise and funny and always looking for a reason to smile.

these losses are too much to bear, January days like this. it feels impossible to breathe. not sure how it still happens.






illustration by the prairie vole