groggy morning.

The sound of geese overhead. Why is it so soothing.

Hot pourover coffee in the morning. Creamy and uplifting.

Tossing raw walnuts to the crows.

..

Feeling a lot better this morning. Still bad headache and my throat is a little irritated and gunky, but no fever developed and I'm not coughing or sneezing, thank goodness. (Josh has been very sick for a very long time, but generally when I catch his colds, I'm much less sick than he is, this has always been the pattern.)

...

had a bad night. the rv kids got in another screaming match at 11pm. the police came briefly. oscar left with the generator before they got here. not sure what happened to bree. those poor people. it's hard to witness but would be so much harder to endure. i wish them healing and peace. i don't know how to help.

...

i want to leave for like a month. somewhere i can sleep and clear my head and rest and actually sleep through the night.

or maybe i should just give up the notion that i'll ever have a good night's sleep.

josh is talking about finding us something in milwaukie, but i'm just afraid it will be the same problem all over again, an rv will move in across the street or some other such all-night disturbance will develop, and we'll never sleep.

i want to go to a smaller town so that i can actually sleep.

but i don't want to lose all of my friends. that's scarier than losing sleep.

i don't know what to do. feeling desperate and not thinking clearly. probably from lack of sleep, ha.

oof my head hurts a lot.

still did my morning workout with josh. i played queen for us.

hollow body hold
20 pushups
40 scapula pushups (shoulder therapy)
1 pullup with ten leg-raises while holding at the top of the bar
1 handstand against the wall
3x10 calf raises on each side, and calf stretches (physical therapy for plantar fasciitis)

i usually do chin-ups and multiple handstands, i've been working on my tripod to straddle press headstand, too, and up-downs, but being sick i wanted to take it a little easy on myself.

my foot hurts more today than it did yesterday, not sure why that would be.

I do seem to be on the mend though, thankfully - excited to have time to myself this week for taxes and such.

i can dance next week, it's not the end of the world that i'm missing it this week.

maybe i can even read some of grandma's book. or work on wings at my art studio, at some point. both or either would be lovely.

visit mom's bench.

she died two years ago today. my heart feels so, so heavy.

i want to buy that sleeping pad for the studio, too, i wonder how well i could sleep, there.

mom

Molly Elaine Fleetwood Rodway, 6/5/1942 - 1/19/2021

Things I loved about my mom. (this is a tiny sample, the list is too long to ever type...)

* Her long flowing hair - she never had any sort of trendy hairdo, just a natural wavy mane, feminine and low-maintenance, she did not see hairdressers but always looked nice.

* Her beautiful sparkling green eyes

* Her infectious, free, enthusiastic laughter

* Her love for all animals, wild or tame, big or small, always attentive and curious and caring and always so gentle - no animal was ever punished in our home, only rewarded for good behavior.

* Her love and skill in cooking and baking - fresh healthy food every day. So many beautiful cookies at Christmas.

* Her musical training. Mom taught piano and also knew all the classics, and had wonderful taste. There was always music playing in the house, every day, and it was always high quality, from Beethoven or Copeland to John Williams or medieval dulcimer recordings, folk or jazz, she even let me play Tori Amos as a teen and loved it.

* Her endless generosity and support of her friends, especially anyone in need.

* Her funky style - she wore what she wanted, and always looked good if a little offbeat. Boho yuppie one might call it? She loved natural fibers and interesting patterns and colors and long flowing pieces. Always a skirt and blouse, rarely pants (unless she was working in the garden). For many years a pho-tiger striped cloak was her evening jacket - it was clearly not real but very visually striking, everyone always noticed when she entered a room. She would go out of her way to compliment a chef on a fine meal at a restaurant, and any spot she frequented she was beloved by the staff.

* Her beautiful garden - she was always trying new plants and growing something interesting. Herbs, cherry tomatoes, and strawberries were always in the mix. She rented a plot for herself and I when she took me out of school and let me plant whatever I wanted - my only goal was to feed the birds and bees, so I planted sunflowers, wildflowers, and millet, and it was such a delight to watch it all explode out of the earth in the spring. She tended to our roses, including a huge mini rose bush of the palest pink that always had an endless amount of blossoms every summer.

* Her appreciation of the beauty of nature. She could get lost in the silhouette of a tree or the shapes in the clouds, snow was especially breathtaking for her, any sort of snow. She knew the names of all of the trees and common plants and shrubs, something I still struggle with a ton and keep trying to catch up on.

* Her joyful celebration of any and all holidays, she found endless ways to make them fun.

* Her sewing and craftiness - she hand-made all of my Halloween costumes as a kid, and skating dresses for ice skating tests and competitions. They were the envy of all the other skaters - they were wonderful, always. She always did what I asked and then some. She even made me the most spectacular full Sylvester the Cat fursuit for the ice, for a duo Sylvester and Tweetie program I did with another skater, something I still own, 30+ years later.

* Her love of reading and learning - she was always reading books and eager to learn new things.

* Her hard work ethic and discipline - she worked so hard, long hours, never stopping, she never really stopped moving during the day until dinner time, when she would finally rest and let herself each rich foods and watch TV (usually OPB or romantic movies). She worked so hard at piano and was so extremely skilled and talented at that instrument. She was one of the very rare adults to pass her 10th Syllabus test, the highest possible, in Portland. She trained herself and practiced for it for hours and hours over the course of several years. It was so impressive. (She played all three movements of Moonlight Sonata for this test.)

* Her care and desire for me to feel loved. When I went away to graduate school, she sent me most thoughtful gifts. Beautiful clothing and jewelry, nice dishes for my little studio apartment kitchen, she helped pay for extra expenses sometimes even though she didn't have to.

* The way she kept contact and kept friendly with my dad after their divorce, including him in family gatherings when he was around, inviting him on trips when my step-dad couldn't go, including dad's new girlfriend in family events, and never making it feel out of ordinary or in any way strange. He was always welcome and always beloved.

* The way she shyly asked me if I would teach her how to ride a bike, in her 50s. She had never learned. She was so embarrassed. She wanted to try. She thought it might be a fun new way to get exercise. She learned! She did great! It only took a couple of weeks. She never took to biking regularly, but I was so proud of her for being brave enough to learn at that age.

* Her walking. She loved walking. She walked everywhere. She walked several miles every day, rain or shine. She did this even after she developed dementia and went into a care facility. It was what we did together every time I visited her, until the end. She would look around during every walk and always, every single time, no matter the day, find something beautiful in the experience, and exclaim, every time, "It's a beautiful day!"

self care, taxes, grief, gentleness, love.

loosely planning for the day whilst sipping a second cup of coffee.

already downloaded all of my business account statements and opened up my tax log, ready to do some data entry.

once I've done at least one month of data entry, and started some notes, I can make a Wayfair purchase. (I need a storage item and a sleeping pad for the studio.)

When I've completed all 12 months of expense tracking, maybe I can buy those red contacts for the club/vampire ball.

Once I've done an hour or so of taxes today, I'd like to take a shower, go get groceries.

Will save downtown trip for REI and Powell's books and such until my throat is all the way better. I do already feel so much better though.

Then some room cleaning, and whatever other chores from the list I made yesterday that I feel up to the task for.

Still headachey, erf.

fed josh the most beautiful lunch. gorgeous handmade gluten free sourdough bread, lentil soup, elk with black rice and veggies. he's so happy and grateful. what a sweetheart. i love my husband to the moon and back.

I still haven't eaten, not feeling at all hungry yet.

...

optional task list....

* get back on PT exercises

* morning workout with josh

* taxes setup

* 1 hr tax data entry

* cleaning bathroom/kitchen sinks

* gratitude list for mom

* clean room/office in whatever small way possible

* set up health insurance online account

* cull photos and videos on photo app on phone and google photos (I started this, not done yet)

* groceries

* happy notes

* bath?

* thank you love notes valentines/post holidays? start a list?

* teeth care

* josh's belay present

* make pumpkin pie

look for beauty. trust in love.

tingling from my nose to my toes.

climbed at the gym with josh tonight, his buddy canceled on him, and i missed silks this week so was itching to climb something.

it was so fun.

i kept a mask on the whole time even though my cold symptoms have completely vanished.

i tried to climb hard things and fell and fell and fell. it was fun to try.

had a fish taco and half a beer at the bar after.

after eating two slices of gluten free toast with miyokos vegan butter, and a cup of my homemade veggie soup for lunch/dinner today. (finally broke my fast around 2pm.) also had an almond milk matcha at mom's bench. where i cried and cried. cute dogs walked past while the sun slowly set, and the little lamp posts along the walking path softly lit themselves. i brought her coffee from her favorite store.

buzzing so pleasantly after climbing with josh.

it's very cold out, the stars are sparkling.

i am so grateful for this little life. and for the woman who brought me here. i miss her. so much. i called her caretaker and chatted with her a bit, while on the bench, tonight. she said she was thinking of us and wants us to come visit and that "we always love you." we feel the same. maybe i can go see her on Sunday.

deep sigh.

grateful for the lingering holiday decorations. mine are still up, too. they will always stay, past this date. the day mom died, those last 24 hrs we were with her, i played and sang xmas music the entire time. i don't know how much she heard, she did not seem very aware or conscious for any of it. but i sang and sang, and we listened and listened. I held her hand and told her how loved she was, over and over.

i feel like an utter failure of a daughter. i don't think i will ever shake that feeling. i was difficult. i was so different from what she wanted or expected and i hated that she wanted to make me into something i could never be. i resisted and she turned on me, it was so awful, at times. but she loved me so fiercely, in her way, and i loved her just as much, in a different, but no less meaningful way. i wish she were still here so that i could make up for all the suffering i caused her. it isn't fair that she had to die that way.

it isn't fair that i will have to die that way.

but. life isn't fair.

and at least, there is beauty, sometimes. and there is always love, somewhere. just gotta keep looking for that.