look for beauty. trust in love.
Jan. 19th, 2023 10:16 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
serafaerytingling from my nose to my toes.
climbed at the gym with josh tonight, his buddy canceled on him, and i missed silks this week so was itching to climb something.
it was so fun.
i kept a mask on the whole time even though my cold symptoms have completely vanished.
i tried to climb hard things and fell and fell and fell. it was fun to try.
had a fish taco and half a beer at the bar after.
after eating two slices of gluten free toast with miyokos vegan butter, and a cup of my homemade veggie soup for lunch/dinner today. (finally broke my fast around 2pm.) also had an almond milk matcha at mom's bench. where i cried and cried. cute dogs walked past while the sun slowly set, and the little lamp posts along the walking path softly lit themselves. i brought her coffee from her favorite store.
buzzing so pleasantly after climbing with josh.
it's very cold out, the stars are sparkling.
i am so grateful for this little life. and for the woman who brought me here. i miss her. so much. i called her caretaker and chatted with her a bit, while on the bench, tonight. she said she was thinking of us and wants us to come visit and that "we always love you." we feel the same. maybe i can go see her on Sunday.
deep sigh.
grateful for the lingering holiday decorations. mine are still up, too. they will always stay, past this date. the day mom died, those last 24 hrs we were with her, i played and sang xmas music the entire time. i don't know how much she heard, she did not seem very aware or conscious for any of it. but i sang and sang, and we listened and listened. I held her hand and told her how loved she was, over and over.
i feel like an utter failure of a daughter. i don't think i will ever shake that feeling. i was difficult. i was so different from what she wanted or expected and i hated that she wanted to make me into something i could never be. i resisted and she turned on me, it was so awful, at times. but she loved me so fiercely, in her way, and i loved her just as much, in a different, but no less meaningful way. i wish she were still here so that i could make up for all the suffering i caused her. it isn't fair that she had to die that way.
it isn't fair that i will have to die that way.
but. life isn't fair.
and at least, there is beauty, sometimes. and there is always love, somewhere. just gotta keep looking for that.
climbed at the gym with josh tonight, his buddy canceled on him, and i missed silks this week so was itching to climb something.
it was so fun.
i kept a mask on the whole time even though my cold symptoms have completely vanished.
i tried to climb hard things and fell and fell and fell. it was fun to try.
had a fish taco and half a beer at the bar after.
after eating two slices of gluten free toast with miyokos vegan butter, and a cup of my homemade veggie soup for lunch/dinner today. (finally broke my fast around 2pm.) also had an almond milk matcha at mom's bench. where i cried and cried. cute dogs walked past while the sun slowly set, and the little lamp posts along the walking path softly lit themselves. i brought her coffee from her favorite store.
buzzing so pleasantly after climbing with josh.
it's very cold out, the stars are sparkling.
i am so grateful for this little life. and for the woman who brought me here. i miss her. so much. i called her caretaker and chatted with her a bit, while on the bench, tonight. she said she was thinking of us and wants us to come visit and that "we always love you." we feel the same. maybe i can go see her on Sunday.
deep sigh.
grateful for the lingering holiday decorations. mine are still up, too. they will always stay, past this date. the day mom died, those last 24 hrs we were with her, i played and sang xmas music the entire time. i don't know how much she heard, she did not seem very aware or conscious for any of it. but i sang and sang, and we listened and listened. I held her hand and told her how loved she was, over and over.
i feel like an utter failure of a daughter. i don't think i will ever shake that feeling. i was difficult. i was so different from what she wanted or expected and i hated that she wanted to make me into something i could never be. i resisted and she turned on me, it was so awful, at times. but she loved me so fiercely, in her way, and i loved her just as much, in a different, but no less meaningful way. i wish she were still here so that i could make up for all the suffering i caused her. it isn't fair that she had to die that way.
it isn't fair that i will have to die that way.
but. life isn't fair.
and at least, there is beauty, sometimes. and there is always love, somewhere. just gotta keep looking for that.
no subject
Date: 2023-01-20 03:04 pm (UTC)We all make mistakes as parents and as children. I would be proud of you as I must believe your mom would be.
Please allow yourself the grace to forgive yourself as you have her. Love works that way