painful morning.

just a little venting to say that I really dislike this culture of having to ingest toxic sludge in order so socialize with certain people.

I am sick from mother's day dinner. this restaurant revamped after pandemic and i didn't know. they filled food that used to be healthy with rice and canola oil. they put giant pita bread at eye level so you literally can't resist it practically being held to your mouth at the table.

I had vicious chronic pain for 22 years, and one of the major puzzle pieces of solving my unending physical pain was getting off of the Standard American Diet (SAD).

My mood is tanked, my stomach hurts, I feel angry and sick and so fucking frustrated that these places profit by purposefully poisoning people.

i hate that this is the only restaurant that people in their 70s with metabolic disease will join us at - the only way to see them is to expose myself to toxic waste, and my willpower is such that i literally cannot resist this stuff when it's laid out in front of me. it's why i never buy this stuff for the house. I can't sit in front of it and not eat it. it's a complete nightmare and I'm so angry with myself and the world right now.

I really thought I could have lentil soup and sure eat a little bit of bread and maybe some hummus and be okay, but the soup has changed so it's mostly white rice which is toxic to my system, and it was just too much bread. the hummus was maybe okay but I can't tell because everything else was so bad.

never going there again, even if it means I never get to go to dinner with Josh's parents again.

(the restaurant i wanted to go that actually has a few semi-healthy vegetable options to was too crammed for mother's day, of course, of course.)

I worry sooooo much about friends with chronic diseases who eat like this. I know it doesn't make everyone sick, but it sure does make me terribly, terribly ill. everyone's body is different and reacts to things differently, I never tell anyone what to eat or how to live their lives. But I worry that are overweight to the point that it causes pain and difficulty walking, people with gout and degenerative diseases and such like Josh's parents, are worsening their quality of life by eating this way. I keep quiet. except to vent in my journal.

i'll post happy stuff one day i promise.

meanwhile, i need to find a way to detox. I can't even stomach the idea of healthy food right now, I'm still so nauseated and headachy.

I'm hoping a gentle workout will help me feel better.

tough day.

cannot figure out what i need to feel better but snacks are not helping for any longer than it takes me to eat the snack lol

got my scheduling done at least, that is always so difficult for me. i am so mad at myself for not actually raising my prices like I thought i would this year, other than the minimum getting raised by a whopping $10 wow great job. no wonder I'm not motivated to work. i feel taken advantage of and undervalued. but it's my own fault. which makes it feel even worse.

i love my work. i would just like to get compensated fairly for it. i have a several extremely sensitive and understanding customers who tip me out to the point that it is fair, but for each of them there is another who doesn't tip at all, so. yeah.

i think i'm just tired and feeling a little lonely and neglected.

not by my husband though. he is amazing, continually, i am so grateful.

still not drinking alcohol! i cling to this. drank quite a few NoMos at the beach lol.

Age

Someone please inform Martha Stewart that she is not allowed to be 81.

I don’t feel well.