eye injury.

trying to decide whether to bike or drive to the farmers market, and whether to get coffee there or drink some here.

normally I would bike, but I burned my eye really severely with bleach the other day, and ended up at the doctor yesterday, and my eye is still really messed up. air hurts it, so I imagine a bike ride would be too painful. buuuuuuuuuuuuut, my saturday morning bike ride to the farmers market has been one of my favorite weekly activities and I really don't want to drive. maybe i can just go really slow? I will try.

i could not handle the pain, it was swollen and closing it hurt as much as opening it, it was so awful. it still stings and is red and painful, but not anywhere near as painful as it was the last two days. I had to cancel work, I couldn't see. bright light still makes me nauseated. which is another reason why the bike ride makes me nervous, I can't wear my contacts so I'll have glasses on with sunglasses over them and that might be awkward with a helmet. It's going to be really difficult but I really want to try. I think if I do my hydrating eye drops right before, and just take it easy, I can do it.

I comfort-ate all day for two days straight (bread and tortillas) and couldn't exercise at all and am now trying to detox. I gained 4lbs. the joys of perimenopause, I can't make *any* mistakes in my food intake without immediately paying for it. i'm embarrassed at what my belly looks like, all of my weight goes directly to my middle ("cortisol belly" aka stress/menopause belly aka inflammation) and i get so self-conscious about how it sticks out over my waistband. I will literally walk around with my hand over it. I look permampreg. even though i'm 5'8" and super muscular from circus and only 130lbs. I basically have to be underweight to look normal. It's genetic, my whole family has this, people used to ask me if my mom was pregnant all of the time (when 20lbs overweight and only 5'4", hers was a lot more pronounced).

I did walk for an hour in circles around the courtyard last night. I will up my movement today but I don't think I can run yet.

so stressful to be hurt.

I will be so happy to have my eye back to normal.




...




I had to cat-sit for my brother while injured and thought I was going to throw up while driving, before I realized how bad my eye really was.

I've been thinking about how to handle his bigotry (he thinks all societal ills are due to our acceptance of gay and trans lifestyles - this is *not* how we were raised and is the influence of a lady he is obsessed with but only has a telephone relationship with, he is converting to Catholicism for her even though in my opinion she is stringing him along) and suddenly he has all this hate. he's also one of those "all lives matter" people but that was before this lady thing - I think it's the influence of his current friend group. bunch of 60-something AA/sober white dudes who like to "go Jeeping" or go on cruises or play frisbee golf or whatever. It's frustrating when the best caretaker mom ever had before she died was a black family and my brother seemed to love them - somehow loving them doesn't conflict with his "all lives matter" attitude which just further confuses me.

mom would have been appalled. I'm glad she's not here to see it. Although like me, she would probably just go along with it while in his presence, because he can't tolerate criticism or conflicting feedback of any kind without flipping out and he has a vicious temper.

I hate that I have to do that, it makes me feel sick, but I also don't feel like confronting him would be worth it - I know i'm not going to change his mind. he knows I've been an atheist since I was 14 and he still talks to me about god as if it is fact. he is disrespectful and dismissive about my beliefs. but i have to tolerate his. he's a bully in this respect. but i love him and i don't want to lose that relationship. he's the only person left who remembers our mom and dad, before they were sick, and loves them. my step-damily remembers somewhat, but it's different and more superficial and my dad is probably a faint memory to them at this point. but it makes me so physically ill to be around my brother at this point. it's so hard to watch him kill himself slowly with food and work, while his words about "getting healthier" conflict wildly with his behaviors. i don't know what to do. it's such a helpless feeling. all i want to do is avoid him.

still too hurt to function properly

ugh, cannot bike, could barely keep my eyes open at the market. Got a coffee, eggs, the zucchini I've been craving for days, some tomatoes and a purple cabbage and then had to bail.

I miss basking in sunshine.

my eye still hurts so much.

was too hopeful and anxious to be better after my first full night's sleep since this injury happened.

sigh.

healing sunlight

could not stand being stuck in the apartment anymore and got on my bike - it was totally fine? so weird because driving causes severe dizziness and nausea and eye pain, even being a passenger in a car causes this? but the bike feels great? If anything my eye feels better now? even though it's very intense warm sunshine today? Whatever I'll take it.

ate a pan of veggies and some sardines to try to get my omega 3 fatty acids - i just can't force myself to take my supplements right now - but now i'm nauseated again fron too much oil i think, not sure what to do about it.

just kinda want to lie down and give up.

i rode up to my childhood park and hung out on mom's memorial bench for a while.

went to a thrift store and bought a few items that might become crafty projects hopefully.

somehow managed not to get ice cream on the way back.

sometimes all of the hardship and losses come crashing down on me all at once and i feel like i can't move. my grandparents both had such sad deaths (i never met my father's parents, i was told they were both dead before i was born) that i didn't know how to process as an adolescent. watching my parents die in my 20s and 30s penniless and destitute with cancer and dementia was unbearable. trying to take care of them when i could barely take care of myself. my step-dad crashing in my basement after abandoning my mom. it's all too much to think about sometimes.

nobody my age that i know can relate, except maybe cynthia, but even cynthia still has her mom, even though she knows she is gearing up to become her caretaker in the next ten or so years.

i feel so aliened from and afraid of Josh's family, my in-laws terrify me. josh's niece and nephew had luxury cars purchased for them at age 16, sydney even got a second one after totaling the first. meanwhile i have never had a manicure and still don't get my hair cut or buy new clothing, limp along with an old used car, cringe at the thought of spending forty dollars on makeup once every two years. josh's parents lament that the grandkids don't thank them for paying their way through college or even for gifts. it's gag-inducing to witness. they entertain themselves with trips to europe or hawaii and then complain about them. i don't even know how to be present for that. they are not bad people but they are fully asleep.

at least they're not a bunch of addicts like my family.

my step-brothers and step-sister-in-law (if that's a thing) at least are hard working and kind and loving. their kids are sweet. i am so grateful for them. but still struggle to relate.

i miss my skating coach who died of cancer, i miss my friend who died of cancer, i miss feeling like i had a home, i miss my cat.

it's nice that my habit of drinking when these feelings come up is no longer there. i don't feel any cravings at the moment, actually. just deep sadness and loneliness.

josh got so anxious when i got hurt. he started whining and scrinching his eyes shut in distress and told me to go to the doctor (which I already said I was going to do). he's so useless in any health emergency. it makes me feel profoundly on my own, even while married. i am so tired of taking care of everyone around me even when i am the one in the most physical distress. it's exhausting.

it's hard to fight feelings of flight, times like this. even ten years into this relationship i can feel very trapped and cagey and like i want out. i know i won't feel this way when things stabilize. i will get through it. i know he means well and he works hard to take care of me in other ways. just not every way. which nobody can be expected to do. that's what friends are for. and chosen family.

part of me wants to propose to cynthia. haha.