has a sad.

this morning on my way to work i saw a woman pushing a stroller in a fluffy gigham pink sundress, with thick thighs and curly brown hair in a half pony, and she looked so calm and relaxed in the sun with her oversized carriage for her little, and it made me feel weirdly jealous for a moment. how lovely would it be to just be a woman, completely engrossed in the care for her children, with no care about sex appeal or trying to appear any certain way other than what is comfortable and appropriate for yourself. i've always been this twisting morphing chameleon, trying to bend myself into what i think people will like. this is due to a severe amount of trauma as a child, being raised by parents who needed me to regulate their emotions and pay attention to their needs, so i never learned to hear my own voice. it hurts. a lot. i don't know how to fix it. i know it's just a momentary blip but i am in so much psychological and physical distress, this week, i am tired and miserable and i just want a break. i want a vacation from trying to be what others want. but my hypervigilance will not relent.

i keep thinking, maybe one day i will like myself enough to work on my skin issues.

maybe one day i will like myself enough to book a facial (i never did).

maybe one day i will like myself enough to let someone other than myself cut my hair.

maybe one day i will like myself enough to take more than a week off of work.

maybe one day i will like myself enough to whiten my teeth and get my leaky cosmetic filling replaced that my dentist has been asking me to come in for since last year.

maybe one day.

maybe i can talk to my doctor about looking for a therapist.