bad teachers are the worst.

had a really bad time in the rock climbing class yesterday and soooooooooooooooo dreading another 3 hours with that asshole of a teacher, but it's the only way for me to have any chance at passing the lead climbing test so that i can belay josh in the gym so.............. fuck.

there are some valuable things to learn but i don't care about more than half of it since i don't plan to ever lead climb outside. but they force us to do the climbing in order to pass the belay test. which really, really sucks.

the teacher also has only 3 students, clearly thinks he's too good for us, and is totally ignoring alex and i and is completely focused on cassie, a muscular, 20-something female boulderer who is "trying to get over here fear of heights" and wants to participate in more outdoor climbing with friends that involve ropes.

i'm actually looking forward to the falling today, that i was dreading originally, because at least it's better than sitting on the floor listening to some asshole talk about what he thinks is important for hours. he tells stories to kill time since there are only three of us, instead of actually letting us practice techniques that are brand new to us and require repetition in order to understand and get good at. it's so stupid. it's so stupid. i've only been in one other worse class where the instructor was so into himself that he got mad at us when we all turned around to look at a bobcat (this was at Yosemite). I didn't tip that guy and I definitely won't tip this one either.

he does make me feel my age which is oddly validating in its way. being ignored and made to feel invisible by younger males is something i expect more of at my age. i need practice. i've heard older women say it's a magical superpower, they are so invisible they can do whatever they want because nobody sees them anyway. (there was a cute story on npr about a lady who rescued bats in texas during that freak storm last year, she was picking hundreds of chilled bats up off the ground and people just walked right past her with no clue or concern about what she was doing.)

at least the falling will wake me out of my boredom.

he's bringing brownies but i'm going to bring my own cookies that josh made and not eat what he offers, i don't want anything of his inside my body honestly. i really hate this guy ha. to be fair, he was really dismissive and patronizing to me. at one point, i clipped something backwards and he said "close," when there are clearly only two ways to do it - correctly and incorrectly. there is no "close," there is right and there is wrong, and yes i got it wrong on my first try ever but i am not quite senile yet. i know it wasn't "close." it was "wrong" and that's actually fine when people are learning, turns out, you don't have to placate them and treat them like children.

I feel guilty for being alive

class went better today. I still don't like the instructor but i think he finally realized I wasn't stupid, just out of my element, and things got a lot better. cassie struggled a lot today and alex and i sailed through, so, it was fine. I did hurt my ankle a little on some very abrupt falls into the wall but at least i know that's a thing that can happen, now. I said the F word in front of a lot of children on my first really big fall (maybe 20-25 feet?), haha.

i still have some finesse to work on with clipping and one issue with letting go with my top hand while belaying if my climber falls, but i can work on that this week and maybe try to test next week, we'll see.

josh and i ran this morning and it felt really good. i was super cranky last night and this morning but pretty sure i'm starting my period so that has a big factor in my mood.

i'm very very tired.

we had tacos after class at tacovore which was really nice. then hung out with Derrick and Cynthia for a little bit and heard all about their trip to the Dominican Republic, which sounded pretty amazing. I'm glad they had such a cool experience. Such cool photos. Looked really fun.

They had this incredible experience taking a boat through a river in the jungle to get to this restaurant which was basically a wooden table outside with no electricity so everything was cooked over open fire. the owner asked how the group found out about the place, and both Derrick and his buddy said they each independently had seen a youtube video about it and thought it looked cool. The owner said, "Oh! What's youtube?" lolololol.

I gave cynthia a $50 bottle of my favorite tequila. not for any particular reason other than it's spooky season now and my desire for chamucos is getting too strong to bear and I don't want it in my kitchen anymore. I bought it for myself as a gift for getting some major work thing accomplished, before I quit drinking, and never opened it, it's just been sitting there. It's one of her favorites, too, so she immediately opened it and made herself a cocktail. :)

my friends are starting to argue over who gets to be the person to drink with me first in 2024, when I am finally through my year long trial period of sobriety. it's a fun game. I may end up doing it alone tbh - I don't want anyone to feel like it's their "fault" that I started drinking again, i guess? In february. Who will be my drinky valentine? lol.

hopefully it won't reinstall itself into my life as a regular habit. it's too hard on my body for that, really.

need to post photos from my coast trip. i think i can breathe a little and see through the haze of having freshly lost kara, things don't look quite so blurry and charred around the edges. death feels like it's breathing down my neck whenever this happens, i see death reflected in everything that i love, the temporariness of existence becomes highlighted and stark and scary and oppressive and insistent. it clogs the air and saps me of energy and i cry over the most random things, suddenly and unexpectedly gasping for breath. the clenching feeling in my chest is starting to release, and I'm wondering how to honor kara and support her husband, now that she is gone. and how to keep putting one foot in front of the other, despite every life that passes. I feel guilty for being alive, when so many beautiful people have died.