unkempt

taking josh to the airport soon.

finley is mia again, sigh. hope he's doing okay.

had a nice walk with cynthia this morning. got my rush package into the main post office for jess, it should reach her by tomorrow.

henna on my head.

it's cold and rainy and i have a weak headache and am in need of snurgles.

i texted timo and i think it was a lame text and now i have regrets. need to develop my tact, maybe.

or i can just accept that i'm always going to be a little bit messy around the edges. maybe that's okay.

would love to dedicate the rest of the day to cleaning and decorating, i'm tired of work.

i realized i don't actually have saturday off this week - i work every single one of the nice weather days except wednesday and i'm saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. but at least i can enjoy the warm evenings. and i do have wednesday. i'll figure it out and still make it fun, somehow.

i have the following week off, not sure why but there it is, lol. timing is off but what can you do. at least friday the 13th is saved for VNV Nation, can't wait can't wait. need to mock up some outfit ideas for that. my darkangel persona. that song hits deep.

still reeling from the sadness yesterday and some hard memories of life twelve years ago. mom losing her house and her mind and her health and her her-ness. me losing my cat and a (horrible) boyfriend and not having any place that really felt like home aside from the Lovecraft bar. the fear and pain and uncertainty and lostness of it all - i cried every day. my rabbit year this year has been incredible. apparently they swap back and forth every 12 years that way, traditionally - it's either a year of massive change and difficulty or a year of celebration and bliss. i'm really enjoying the latter.

still haven't had a moon cake for harvest, need to remedy that somehow. dunno where to get them since i'm loathe to go downtown anymore these days. i drove through today but did not stop by powells for a book or courier for coffee like i would have five or ten years ago. nope, too scary, not stopping. sadness. i grieve for my city.

cold cold, needs more sweaters and hotter coffeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

slow healing.

fell asleep hard dang, wasn't expecting that. i guess i'm really kinda messed up.

maybe a sugar crash from that cake I snuck from the freezer oops.

i overate sweet potatoes also, not sure what is up with me right now, just, a lot of ow.

i'm sad it's dark now and i got zero cleaning done.

but, if i put my laundry away and take a shower, that's better than nothing. my hair is dyed and i can try again tomorrow. and the soft rain is really nice. i'm happy anyway, just wish i didn't hurt so much. begrudging my life choices at the moment ha. life is still pretty wonderful. especially compared to what it was like before.

the episodes huberman did with dr conti are so amazing. he offered an analogy to therapy that was similar to someone coming to the hospital with an abscess. it was really good and made me think about why my therapist is always trying to stop me and address what i have become so adept at running away from, burying, keeping just under the surface but not addressed, while it effects every aspect of my life, like a low-grade fever. everything is harder than it has to be and we can fix this. but the draining/treatment procedure is going to take time and it's going to be painful at times. that's okay. that's a good thing.

it makes me wonder how obvious it is to others that i'm walking around severely wounded but limping along as if everything is fine. my brother does this. it's glaringly obvious to me but maybe that's because i know him so well. maybe others don't notice so much. but maybe a skilled professional would.

i'm really grateful to have started that process and i'm hopeful it will bring me more health and fulfillment overall. i can stop getting in my own way or depriving myself of things because i think i don't deserve them or whatever.

he also talked about not making ourselves special because one certain aspect of our life has been difficult for us. if we do well in other areas, it stands to reason that we can do well in that aspect, too - we just need to apply the same skills we used in the other ones. i like this a lot. "don't make it so special" was his offering, or wall yourself off from that one thing for some arbitrary reason that doesn't actually make any sense. i'm excited to apply this going forward, too.