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Dec. 11th, 2023 08:59 pmwas having a confusing talk with Josh today about how it is that i escaped so much of the toxic behaviors of my family members. (not all lol - but my behavior is vastly different from theirs.)
i have wondered this a lot myself, and moreso frequently, as their behavior has been especially ugly and unhealthy recently.
raised in chaos, some embrace it as their only way of existing, and others, like me, reject it entirely.
saw this randomly while scrolling, today:
this is so true for me.
my brother would die of boredom, he admits, he "thrives on drama."
(insert puke emoji.)
there is something about the gifts that my parents were able to give, even in their crippled addictive states, that my brother didn't get. i came along much later, they were more mature and more generous with me. mom was 22 when she had my brother, and 33 when she had me. dad was 21/32. huge difference. they were different people. still very unhealthy, but they had more resilience, i think, in their 30s.
but some of it might just be innate qualities. my personality type is atypical. most girls, when they suffer the kind of prepubescent sexual abuse I experienced, become hypersexualized, and act out wildly. i turned inward and quiet, burying myself in baggy flannel mens shirts and oversized jeans, unkempt hair and no makeup, living in fantasy worlds of my own imagination and contemplating the tiny lives of bugs on blades of grass. i was teased for constantly "looking at [my] toes" as a child/adolescent/teen.
but i found countless four leafed clovers.
i found magic.
i became a faery.
unfurled my wings slowly, in my own time, in other ways.
hid from the world, until i was ready to reach out, tentatively, cautiously, politely.
never wanting to hurt anyone or anything.
whereas, my brother saw gentleness as weakness, he saw that "good guys finish last" and decided being "an asshole" was the only way to succeed. and he turned so much of that hatred and resentment inward, it seems, when he found AA and learned to "be of service."
not really sure how or why. how does one figure out the answer to such a question?
I am just endlessly grateful that i had the tools or skills or strength to learn how to break those cycles, to choose another path. People who stepped into my life and dramatically shifted my course, for the better.
Angels. In human form.
They still come to me, new ones find me still, old ones stick by my side. I am so blessed and humbled by their presence and their kindness, it's overwhelming and I never feel like I can thank them properly for all the wisdom and gifts they bestow on me.
I have had more struggles than one could reasonably expect to survive, let alone flourish, but also a vast amount of blessings, and I do everything I can to celebrate and honor the blessings and not take them for granted. My gratitude practice helps so much. To not get buried or held down or held back too much by the bad things. But to still honor my pain and difficulties. My behavior is not entirely healthy. But it's so much better than it was, and I am working hard to improve all of the time, and I think I have the resources to continue to get better. All I can do is keep trying.
i have wondered this a lot myself, and moreso frequently, as their behavior has been especially ugly and unhealthy recently.
raised in chaos, some embrace it as their only way of existing, and others, like me, reject it entirely.
saw this randomly while scrolling, today:
this is so true for me.
my brother would die of boredom, he admits, he "thrives on drama."
(insert puke emoji.)
there is something about the gifts that my parents were able to give, even in their crippled addictive states, that my brother didn't get. i came along much later, they were more mature and more generous with me. mom was 22 when she had my brother, and 33 when she had me. dad was 21/32. huge difference. they were different people. still very unhealthy, but they had more resilience, i think, in their 30s.
but some of it might just be innate qualities. my personality type is atypical. most girls, when they suffer the kind of prepubescent sexual abuse I experienced, become hypersexualized, and act out wildly. i turned inward and quiet, burying myself in baggy flannel mens shirts and oversized jeans, unkempt hair and no makeup, living in fantasy worlds of my own imagination and contemplating the tiny lives of bugs on blades of grass. i was teased for constantly "looking at [my] toes" as a child/adolescent/teen.
but i found countless four leafed clovers.
i found magic.
i became a faery.
unfurled my wings slowly, in my own time, in other ways.
hid from the world, until i was ready to reach out, tentatively, cautiously, politely.
never wanting to hurt anyone or anything.
whereas, my brother saw gentleness as weakness, he saw that "good guys finish last" and decided being "an asshole" was the only way to succeed. and he turned so much of that hatred and resentment inward, it seems, when he found AA and learned to "be of service."
not really sure how or why. how does one figure out the answer to such a question?
I am just endlessly grateful that i had the tools or skills or strength to learn how to break those cycles, to choose another path. People who stepped into my life and dramatically shifted my course, for the better.
Angels. In human form.
They still come to me, new ones find me still, old ones stick by my side. I am so blessed and humbled by their presence and their kindness, it's overwhelming and I never feel like I can thank them properly for all the wisdom and gifts they bestow on me.
I have had more struggles than one could reasonably expect to survive, let alone flourish, but also a vast amount of blessings, and I do everything I can to celebrate and honor the blessings and not take them for granted. My gratitude practice helps so much. To not get buried or held down or held back too much by the bad things. But to still honor my pain and difficulties. My behavior is not entirely healthy. But it's so much better than it was, and I am working hard to improve all of the time, and I think I have the resources to continue to get better. All I can do is keep trying.
