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wednesday light
Dec. 13th, 2023 06:49 pmno snow for x-country skiing this weekend, alas, alack. such a late start to the season this year.
my fever is finally gone, though i'm still very fatigued and my ring keeps telling me to slow down and take it easy.
skated this morning. when i got there, i felt giddy and hyper-friendly, something i never feel at any ice rink (so much emotional trauma around skating) and said hi to people i never say hi to and just felt so lucky to be alive. i credit the fact that i started huberman's morning sunshine protocol this week. it's a massive mood-booster for me.
except, except. i went to say hi to tonya, and she didn't recognize me. which is fine, we were never close. and there's lots of reasons to explain this - she is 53 and I am 48, our faces have changed A LOT - if I didn't know her from her skating, I would not have recognized her, either. her face looks unrecognizable - not in a bad way, just soooo much older. the last time she said my name was before lloyd center was remodeled, so probably 2013 or so? ten years ago? so yeah, not surprising and i didn't take offense. she was really sweet to me anyway and i remember so vividly how kind she was to me when we were kids, and i got off the ice to re-lace my skates and just burst into tears. just like, streaming down my face. i think, seeing her triggers a lot of old memories, of my mom, of my childhood, and my coach who died a painful and untimely death, who was like a second mother to me.
later one of the coaches invited me to perform in the spring ice show. "did you see the last one?" she explained with glee that the spring show is movie-themed and gave me options for performances. I'm flattered but I don't feel up for performing. "Yeah i just, don't have any programs. Or a coach. Or a club."
"This is put on my Mountain View and you're one of our skaters," she countered. So sweet of her. I'm so grateful.
It reminds me of several years ago when I met an excessively talented oil painter in Astoria and he asked me to sit for him. I was so stunned that he would ask a 44 year old this question that I couldn't make myself reply. Why would you want to paint an old lady? I have never stopped regretting saying yes to him immediately. Why was I shy about it? I love modeling, it's like., my absolute favorite thing, and I've never had anyone ever ask to paint me, let alone someone extremely talented. so sad. such a missed opportunity. why did I retreat into myself upon his request? I couldn't even look at him. I felt like I didn't deserve it so I robbed myself of a beautiful experience for no reason. I've not found a way to forgive myself for this, yet.
and i also think the tears this morning were partly because i'm hyper-sensitive due to the stuff going on with maria. she had hip surgery this morning, i still don't know if she survived or how she's doing, i've heard nothing. i assume no news is good news? but who knows with these people. i'm struggling with how miserably my step-dad failed her through this, all of us did, really. there is a lawsuit pending at the hospital where she was for a full week and nobody bothered to give her an x-ray. which they also failed to do at the rehab facility. so infuriating.
i didn't know that she would need surgery for her hip, mom didn't get surgery when she broke her pelvis; there are a lot of "i should have"s running through my head and it's just so sad. i feel soooooo terrible over the whole thing. i'm so scared at how easily someone can slip through the cracks. her daughter is just completely distraught.
the tears were cathartic, though, as they cascaded down my face, and i was able to keep skating anyway, after taking a moment to wipe them away and take some deep breaths. i think my physical pain also contributed to the open weeping. my back won't let me jump or do catch-foot spins, but i can do everything else, just have to go slowly and gently. my foot feels pretty good, thankfully.
jaja is full tonight, it's the first time that's happened, so i'm not planning to go to aerial flow. josh is going, he wants me to come with him "just to watch" but maybe also to share equipment, but i might just stay home and bake, not sure yet. i feel so exhausted. i need strength training but i'm also just so tired.
took a bunch of photos and videos of the cat that maria and rolland can no longer care for, when i stopped by my step-brother's to cat-sit today. they tossed her aside like and old rag. "boy she's a pest" my step-dad said with unfiltered hatred. yeah because you completely neglect her. she's such a sweetheart. poor thing.
josh is really hoping natasha gives us avalanche. but we'll see. i don't think she will. avalanche is too perfect. nobody would ever give up that cat. 100% meowser would be in this apartment right now if we weren't holding space for the world's most perfect and beautiful blue-eyed white and grey kitten. josh sees avalanche as perfect, and also protection against a continuous repeat of rescuing old sick neglected cats.
(but that's what i do.)
i feel weird not hiking or skiing or doing any big cardio workouts this week, and i also missed silks. but that's what happens when you get sick. my arms have wasted away, they look so scrawny. it will take a few weeks to rebuild my strength. i should probably make myself go to jaja. i'm just so cold. i just want hot homemade non-boozy eggnog and veggie quiche for tomorrow. and cookies and pie and and and. wish i didn't have to work the next three days, just want to be home cooking. it's good, i love my job, i love sparkling, i keep buying xmas gifts so i need the income, i just wish it didn't take time away from domestic comforts and sports.
one happy thing - i finally found a replacement insulated pint glass for the one i stole from cynthia. i was determined to replace it for some reason, but they don't make it anymore and the only one i could find was $30. i got it anyway. it's not a present, i'm just replacing what i stole. i only just recently realized how valuable it was. just as a useful tool. it keeps hot drinks hot. it's amazing. life changing. i should not have taken it so casually (even though she gave me permission to keep it). will bring it to her xmas eve and just stick it in her cupboard, she doesn't even have to know. maybe she doesn't even care, and she'll just give it away to someone else. (whose life will be changed forever, like mine was when i discovered putting lattes in an insulated cup.) it doesn't matter. i will feel better for not taking advantage of my friend's generosity. she does too much for others as it is. people need to do more for her. it's time i stepped up. i've been actively trying, by gifting her random things and making her food frequently. taking her to the corn maze and such. I will keep working on being a better friend to her. she deserves it, and then some.
i was so blissed out on my walk with my coffee this morning, everything looked so shockingly beautiful in the chilled winter sunlight, it was taking my breath away. i love december. no matter what.
my fever is finally gone, though i'm still very fatigued and my ring keeps telling me to slow down and take it easy.
skated this morning. when i got there, i felt giddy and hyper-friendly, something i never feel at any ice rink (so much emotional trauma around skating) and said hi to people i never say hi to and just felt so lucky to be alive. i credit the fact that i started huberman's morning sunshine protocol this week. it's a massive mood-booster for me.
except, except. i went to say hi to tonya, and she didn't recognize me. which is fine, we were never close. and there's lots of reasons to explain this - she is 53 and I am 48, our faces have changed A LOT - if I didn't know her from her skating, I would not have recognized her, either. her face looks unrecognizable - not in a bad way, just soooo much older. the last time she said my name was before lloyd center was remodeled, so probably 2013 or so? ten years ago? so yeah, not surprising and i didn't take offense. she was really sweet to me anyway and i remember so vividly how kind she was to me when we were kids, and i got off the ice to re-lace my skates and just burst into tears. just like, streaming down my face. i think, seeing her triggers a lot of old memories, of my mom, of my childhood, and my coach who died a painful and untimely death, who was like a second mother to me.
later one of the coaches invited me to perform in the spring ice show. "did you see the last one?" she explained with glee that the spring show is movie-themed and gave me options for performances. I'm flattered but I don't feel up for performing. "Yeah i just, don't have any programs. Or a coach. Or a club."
"This is put on my Mountain View and you're one of our skaters," she countered. So sweet of her. I'm so grateful.
It reminds me of several years ago when I met an excessively talented oil painter in Astoria and he asked me to sit for him. I was so stunned that he would ask a 44 year old this question that I couldn't make myself reply. Why would you want to paint an old lady? I have never stopped regretting saying yes to him immediately. Why was I shy about it? I love modeling, it's like., my absolute favorite thing, and I've never had anyone ever ask to paint me, let alone someone extremely talented. so sad. such a missed opportunity. why did I retreat into myself upon his request? I couldn't even look at him. I felt like I didn't deserve it so I robbed myself of a beautiful experience for no reason. I've not found a way to forgive myself for this, yet.
and i also think the tears this morning were partly because i'm hyper-sensitive due to the stuff going on with maria. she had hip surgery this morning, i still don't know if she survived or how she's doing, i've heard nothing. i assume no news is good news? but who knows with these people. i'm struggling with how miserably my step-dad failed her through this, all of us did, really. there is a lawsuit pending at the hospital where she was for a full week and nobody bothered to give her an x-ray. which they also failed to do at the rehab facility. so infuriating.
i didn't know that she would need surgery for her hip, mom didn't get surgery when she broke her pelvis; there are a lot of "i should have"s running through my head and it's just so sad. i feel soooooo terrible over the whole thing. i'm so scared at how easily someone can slip through the cracks. her daughter is just completely distraught.
the tears were cathartic, though, as they cascaded down my face, and i was able to keep skating anyway, after taking a moment to wipe them away and take some deep breaths. i think my physical pain also contributed to the open weeping. my back won't let me jump or do catch-foot spins, but i can do everything else, just have to go slowly and gently. my foot feels pretty good, thankfully.
jaja is full tonight, it's the first time that's happened, so i'm not planning to go to aerial flow. josh is going, he wants me to come with him "just to watch" but maybe also to share equipment, but i might just stay home and bake, not sure yet. i feel so exhausted. i need strength training but i'm also just so tired.
took a bunch of photos and videos of the cat that maria and rolland can no longer care for, when i stopped by my step-brother's to cat-sit today. they tossed her aside like and old rag. "boy she's a pest" my step-dad said with unfiltered hatred. yeah because you completely neglect her. she's such a sweetheart. poor thing.
josh is really hoping natasha gives us avalanche. but we'll see. i don't think she will. avalanche is too perfect. nobody would ever give up that cat. 100% meowser would be in this apartment right now if we weren't holding space for the world's most perfect and beautiful blue-eyed white and grey kitten. josh sees avalanche as perfect, and also protection against a continuous repeat of rescuing old sick neglected cats.
(but that's what i do.)
i feel weird not hiking or skiing or doing any big cardio workouts this week, and i also missed silks. but that's what happens when you get sick. my arms have wasted away, they look so scrawny. it will take a few weeks to rebuild my strength. i should probably make myself go to jaja. i'm just so cold. i just want hot homemade non-boozy eggnog and veggie quiche for tomorrow. and cookies and pie and and and. wish i didn't have to work the next three days, just want to be home cooking. it's good, i love my job, i love sparkling, i keep buying xmas gifts so i need the income, i just wish it didn't take time away from domestic comforts and sports.
one happy thing - i finally found a replacement insulated pint glass for the one i stole from cynthia. i was determined to replace it for some reason, but they don't make it anymore and the only one i could find was $30. i got it anyway. it's not a present, i'm just replacing what i stole. i only just recently realized how valuable it was. just as a useful tool. it keeps hot drinks hot. it's amazing. life changing. i should not have taken it so casually (even though she gave me permission to keep it). will bring it to her xmas eve and just stick it in her cupboard, she doesn't even have to know. maybe she doesn't even care, and she'll just give it away to someone else. (whose life will be changed forever, like mine was when i discovered putting lattes in an insulated cup.) it doesn't matter. i will feel better for not taking advantage of my friend's generosity. she does too much for others as it is. people need to do more for her. it's time i stepped up. i've been actively trying, by gifting her random things and making her food frequently. taking her to the corn maze and such. I will keep working on being a better friend to her. she deserves it, and then some.
i was so blissed out on my walk with my coffee this morning, everything looked so shockingly beautiful in the chilled winter sunlight, it was taking my breath away. i love december. no matter what.
