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trying to shake out of a really rough depression.
kind of want to go hiking, saddle or dog?
have not showered in many days.
could do silks, might save that for tomorrow after therapy. foot is still not good enough for ice skates, alas. maybe next week.
i'd like to run tomorrow, too. it'll be nice out so gotta try to get that done in the morning. or evening i suppose, sometimes i manage to rally for that.
having lunch with the step-dad and step-brother, tomorrow, and then sparkling some ladies. this will all happen in my silks outfit but that's fine :) maybe i can run in the evening.
just need to snap out of this mood. i tried to start a book on self-compassion this morning but this was absolutely the wrong book for me. i deleted it after 4 minutes. i need to start way back before self-compassion, and first begin to unpack the depth of my self-loathing. i have to start from a place of trauma, this book was geared for healthy, successful people.
must do werk too, kinda dreading.
should cook something for joshter and take a shower, try to get packed for hiking - it'll be busy as some folks have today off for the holiday, i think.
three things i need to try to attend to in therapy, tomorrow:
* how to not get so spun out by my brother that i avoid entire family holidays just to not have to see him
* how to unpack this deeply health self-hatred and shame whenever i'm not performing up to my own expectations of being a good enough person - and what to do when i am sitting in this place of such severe discomfort that i completely shut-down and withdraw from everyone, and stop caring for myself at all (there is no self-talk that i pick up during these spans of depression, i don't hear myself berating myself or anything, i just feel it. this deep, pervasive, persistent, intense feeling of unworthiness.)
* how to deal with this feeling of nobody understanding where and what i come from and how hard it is just to walk through my day, let alone function - issues of comparison, or am i just clinging to the past too much?
that's too much for one session but i might just let him know off the bat that i want to work on these three things for a bit going forward, along with whatever else comes up in the moment.
what i'm slowly starting to realize is that regardless of diet and exercise and social activity, my emotional stress is my biggest health risk, the stress levels indicated on my biotracker are through the roof and this needs to be addressed. i am not strong enough to just pretend my trauma didn't happen and just announce "that's in the past" like cynthia does. it is ruining my health on a daily basis and i need to find a better way to cope.
okay time to get cooking.
kind of want to go hiking, saddle or dog?
have not showered in many days.
could do silks, might save that for tomorrow after therapy. foot is still not good enough for ice skates, alas. maybe next week.
i'd like to run tomorrow, too. it'll be nice out so gotta try to get that done in the morning. or evening i suppose, sometimes i manage to rally for that.
having lunch with the step-dad and step-brother, tomorrow, and then sparkling some ladies. this will all happen in my silks outfit but that's fine :) maybe i can run in the evening.
just need to snap out of this mood. i tried to start a book on self-compassion this morning but this was absolutely the wrong book for me. i deleted it after 4 minutes. i need to start way back before self-compassion, and first begin to unpack the depth of my self-loathing. i have to start from a place of trauma, this book was geared for healthy, successful people.
must do werk too, kinda dreading.
should cook something for joshter and take a shower, try to get packed for hiking - it'll be busy as some folks have today off for the holiday, i think.
three things i need to try to attend to in therapy, tomorrow:
* how to not get so spun out by my brother that i avoid entire family holidays just to not have to see him
* how to unpack this deeply health self-hatred and shame whenever i'm not performing up to my own expectations of being a good enough person - and what to do when i am sitting in this place of such severe discomfort that i completely shut-down and withdraw from everyone, and stop caring for myself at all (there is no self-talk that i pick up during these spans of depression, i don't hear myself berating myself or anything, i just feel it. this deep, pervasive, persistent, intense feeling of unworthiness.)
* how to deal with this feeling of nobody understanding where and what i come from and how hard it is just to walk through my day, let alone function - issues of comparison, or am i just clinging to the past too much?
that's too much for one session but i might just let him know off the bat that i want to work on these three things for a bit going forward, along with whatever else comes up in the moment.
what i'm slowly starting to realize is that regardless of diet and exercise and social activity, my emotional stress is my biggest health risk, the stress levels indicated on my biotracker are through the roof and this needs to be addressed. i am not strong enough to just pretend my trauma didn't happen and just announce "that's in the past" like cynthia does. it is ruining my health on a daily basis and i need to find a better way to cope.
okay time to get cooking.
