rough saturday.

crashed pretty hard, today.

skipping the concert. i don't even like that music very much, i don't really like shows. i just like manders and finley. but, finley has been cold and distant and manders has been stoned off her face every time i've seen her this month and i'm just tired of it. it's hard being sober around that. they are upset that i'm not coming. but. you can't have my full energy and adoration if you're checked out when i'm in need of connection.

i feel like i would be okay if i could just like, eat 1000 crispy wafer cookies, or something.

i know a large portion of this is my anemia and hypoglycemia.

will skip easter tomorrow. it has stressed me out beyond belief and i just can't deal. nobody really understands how terrible it feels to feel obligated to play along with a religion i adamantly hate. it's okay for people to believe what they believe, and i'm not here to try to take away anyone's faith, as long as they are not hurting anyone. (in my opinion, my brother's newfound catholic beliefs that things like homosexuality are the roots of all evil is actively harmful to people.) just, getting it jizzed all over me at family events is too much, right now. nobody respects that i'm not christian, nobody cares.

i might just settle in quietly at home and bake hot cross buns and make deviled eggs and maybe even make a pie or a crisp, with the apples, pears, and frozen strawberries i have floating around. or maybe some oat cookies?

still eight pounds overweight, it will not budge. i keep getting massive carb cravings. right now my temp is slightly elevated, and i never stopped bleeding since my period 2.5 weeks ago, which can't be helping my iron levels. sigh. stupid perimenopause.

avalanche is pure delight.

i am blessed with a loving husband and a gentle life that i can just retreat into my room from, when things are too much.

sparkling has been good the last three days, just, a lot. my last customer today would not stop loudly rambling on about her kids and grandbabies and weddings and gatherings and travels and all the stuff they all get together to do all the time and kept showing me videos of her week old grandchild and also the 2 year old grand child, as if anyone wants to watch videos of strange toddlers and undercooked babies. she was jiggling around all over the place while showing me and talking about them excitedly which made it impossible to tie sparkles into her hair. it was absolute hell to be honest. i'm glad she's happy but jesus. i guess it's normal and i'm the weirdo but i just dislike the mindless babymaking, i dunno. this bloodline dies with me. thank goodness.

i also don't have family aside from one abusive brother and some checked out (though relatively harmless) step-brothers and step-dad who is only kinda half here, so cannot relate in the slightest. my niece and nephew on the step-side have never shown any interest in my existence. it's fine.

fuck.

just want to sleep all day. i slept for 11 hours yesterday. might do that again.

josh had to field some painful venting this morning and was not mean to me even though i was in a terrible place, and let me cry a little bit, so that was nice.

natasha is in town, absolutely heartbreaking circumstances (a friend committed suicide, ugh) but i'm excited to see her, she brought taiga and tundra but they are not staying with us this time, i hope i get to see them anyway. i'm sure avalanche will be excited to see her.

avalanche still doesn't react to catnip, i don't think she has the gene. this makes me kind of sad - her mom and dad, taiga and tundra, go absolutely nuts for the stuff. it's really sweet and funny to watch. avalanche and i will just have to be sober together, i guess.