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when we hold onto negative emotions, it has an effect on how we show up in the world - how we hold ourselves and present ourselves to others. if we can let go of those, we can be present in a more pleasant and relaxed way.
our most important aspect of health is through relationship. if i identify as a wounded victim, i make myself less open and available to others, more frightened, people experience pain more and suffer more heart disease in this state. (arguing against hypervigilance - this is helpful as i tend to be hypervigilant - as many people experience who suffered childhood trauma - and have not considered the physical health detriments of this, only the psychological ones.)
negative emotions have been shown in studies to negatively impact our health. there is much less research on the health effects of positive emotions, but what little there is shows that joy, delight, exuberance, play, etc. have beneficial effects on our physical health.
a helpful hint when feeling unsafe or bad or in conflict or etc: think back to a time when you felt loved. picture it and remember that you are lovable and were lovable. this has a calming effect and people can function from a better place.
this gives us a little more resilience, because we're not as alone and not as scared.
(it's appropriate to be stressed initially, when something bad happens - it's how to process trauma long term that matters more.)
Part of learning to let go of hypervigilance and hurt over past wrongdoings is learning how to trust ones self to cope with the difficulties of life. blame puts all the power outside of your control - to say this happened or this person did this to me so now I can't trust, takes away your ability to control your own feelings in the current moment. (leaves you as a bit of a slave or puppet to other people's behavior.) learning to regulate and stay calm gives us more stability and resilience to handle whatever life throws at us.
(more later, gotta get to werk)
ETA: thinking about the concept of not being beholden to an apology in order to feel better - not giving others power over your nervous system.
Self-pity is just not going to help you long term. (Short term it can be helpful.)
9 steps to forgiveness:
1: reflect on your experience (it can't just be vague - a awareness of what we're forgiving and what it is that is still hurting in the present)
2: make a commitment to yourself to work towards forgiveness - there's a decision (I'm deciding to let this go) and emotional (the inner experience of working on it)
3: understand that forgiveness does not mean trying to make up with the person who harmed you, or forgive their actions. (reconciliation is not forgiveness - both can exist without the other)
4: try to shift your perspective. moving from focusing on the past to being in the present - what am I doing now, what can I change now, how can I be better in my life, now. (it's helpful to take on the view that every single person in the world is doing the best that they can in that moment based on who they are and their life experiences. eg: if I were that person, if I had their parents, their experiences, their education, their resources, their bodies - I would be doing exactly the same thing. It takes practice but can start to become automatic at some point and it gives one so much relief and compassion - forgiveness is a natural outcome of this - instead of registering offense with blame and attack, it offers an opening to your own experience, and an understanding that while flawed, what they did is who they were.
the sense of self, the ego, the "I", thrives on discord. Part of its job is to find ways that it's different from other people, it's special, it's unique - it's also an identification point around suffering. The ego does not necessarily like letting go because it loses its influence. that part of us struggles with forgiveness - like, "yeah you were hurt but so what, everybody is hurt" or "yeah you were hurt by an imperfect human being - join the crowd."
Forgiveness says, that harsh, hostile judgement, of the terribleness of them and the blamelessness of me, I'm moving past that - I'm willing to release that judgement and that blamelessness so that I can be back in my present life. I can accepted that we were both imperfect and I didn't know how to cope with it well. It allows the complexity of life's experience. Not stuck judging or protecting, can have conversations around it - it's a presence and a freedom.
It's not condoning the behavior. And you can even wish them well in their future.
5: when you feel upset about a past harm, try calming exercises.
right now in the present moment you can calm down, open to goodness, and have a good moment. You can't forgive until you have have peace.
6: remember that some things, other people's actions and feelings, are out of your control.
7: try not to dwell on the hurt you experienced.
Instead of saying, "I can't," reframe: "Up until now I haven't been able to," or, "I want to learn how to," or "It's hard for me." When you say you can't, you make sure you can't.
Forgiveness is a skill anyone can learn.
***8: look for the love, beauty, and kindness around you.
We have a natural negativity bias where we're constantly looking for things to go wrong, for people to make mistakes. Unfortunately that bias makes us distort what we see.
When people are hurt, they become very vigilant, to make sure they don't get hurt again. What is missing from that is promoting more positive bias - do you notice when your partner is kind to you, do you notice when people are good-hearted.
If you acknowledge that you are vulnerable sometimes to be hurt, in that space you recognize how vulnerable and open you can be to so much goodness.
If you're not fighting, you see how kind people are to you. When you're willing to be not in control, you can see people's goodness and not be obsessed with people's not-goodness.
Gratitude pre-disposes people to forgiveness. (along with being older or an apology.) the more grateful you are, the more realistically you see things, and the more likely you are to forgive.
counteracts the negativity bias.
9: remind yourself that you made a brave choice to forgive. (change your story - from victim to hero. a story about how you have handled adversity well.)
some things might seem unforgiveable, but some people are able to forgive even the worst things. some people can't forgive the smallest things. try to forgive what you can. the forgiveness is not in the offense, it's in you.
Forgiveness is a hidden human skill that is valuable but hard to access.
In any way you can, remember that you're loved. if you can't connect with love, walk outside and appreciate the beauty of nature.
Practice forgiveness - it takes practice.
our most important aspect of health is through relationship. if i identify as a wounded victim, i make myself less open and available to others, more frightened, people experience pain more and suffer more heart disease in this state. (arguing against hypervigilance - this is helpful as i tend to be hypervigilant - as many people experience who suffered childhood trauma - and have not considered the physical health detriments of this, only the psychological ones.)
negative emotions have been shown in studies to negatively impact our health. there is much less research on the health effects of positive emotions, but what little there is shows that joy, delight, exuberance, play, etc. have beneficial effects on our physical health.
a helpful hint when feeling unsafe or bad or in conflict or etc: think back to a time when you felt loved. picture it and remember that you are lovable and were lovable. this has a calming effect and people can function from a better place.
this gives us a little more resilience, because we're not as alone and not as scared.
(it's appropriate to be stressed initially, when something bad happens - it's how to process trauma long term that matters more.)
Part of learning to let go of hypervigilance and hurt over past wrongdoings is learning how to trust ones self to cope with the difficulties of life. blame puts all the power outside of your control - to say this happened or this person did this to me so now I can't trust, takes away your ability to control your own feelings in the current moment. (leaves you as a bit of a slave or puppet to other people's behavior.) learning to regulate and stay calm gives us more stability and resilience to handle whatever life throws at us.
(more later, gotta get to werk)
ETA: thinking about the concept of not being beholden to an apology in order to feel better - not giving others power over your nervous system.
Self-pity is just not going to help you long term. (Short term it can be helpful.)
9 steps to forgiveness:
1: reflect on your experience (it can't just be vague - a awareness of what we're forgiving and what it is that is still hurting in the present)
2: make a commitment to yourself to work towards forgiveness - there's a decision (I'm deciding to let this go) and emotional (the inner experience of working on it)
3: understand that forgiveness does not mean trying to make up with the person who harmed you, or forgive their actions. (reconciliation is not forgiveness - both can exist without the other)
4: try to shift your perspective. moving from focusing on the past to being in the present - what am I doing now, what can I change now, how can I be better in my life, now. (it's helpful to take on the view that every single person in the world is doing the best that they can in that moment based on who they are and their life experiences. eg: if I were that person, if I had their parents, their experiences, their education, their resources, their bodies - I would be doing exactly the same thing. It takes practice but can start to become automatic at some point and it gives one so much relief and compassion - forgiveness is a natural outcome of this - instead of registering offense with blame and attack, it offers an opening to your own experience, and an understanding that while flawed, what they did is who they were.
the sense of self, the ego, the "I", thrives on discord. Part of its job is to find ways that it's different from other people, it's special, it's unique - it's also an identification point around suffering. The ego does not necessarily like letting go because it loses its influence. that part of us struggles with forgiveness - like, "yeah you were hurt but so what, everybody is hurt" or "yeah you were hurt by an imperfect human being - join the crowd."
Forgiveness says, that harsh, hostile judgement, of the terribleness of them and the blamelessness of me, I'm moving past that - I'm willing to release that judgement and that blamelessness so that I can be back in my present life. I can accepted that we were both imperfect and I didn't know how to cope with it well. It allows the complexity of life's experience. Not stuck judging or protecting, can have conversations around it - it's a presence and a freedom.
It's not condoning the behavior. And you can even wish them well in their future.
5: when you feel upset about a past harm, try calming exercises.
right now in the present moment you can calm down, open to goodness, and have a good moment. You can't forgive until you have have peace.
6: remember that some things, other people's actions and feelings, are out of your control.
7: try not to dwell on the hurt you experienced.
Instead of saying, "I can't," reframe: "Up until now I haven't been able to," or, "I want to learn how to," or "It's hard for me." When you say you can't, you make sure you can't.
Forgiveness is a skill anyone can learn.
***8: look for the love, beauty, and kindness around you.
We have a natural negativity bias where we're constantly looking for things to go wrong, for people to make mistakes. Unfortunately that bias makes us distort what we see.
When people are hurt, they become very vigilant, to make sure they don't get hurt again. What is missing from that is promoting more positive bias - do you notice when your partner is kind to you, do you notice when people are good-hearted.
If you acknowledge that you are vulnerable sometimes to be hurt, in that space you recognize how vulnerable and open you can be to so much goodness.
If you're not fighting, you see how kind people are to you. When you're willing to be not in control, you can see people's goodness and not be obsessed with people's not-goodness.
Gratitude pre-disposes people to forgiveness. (along with being older or an apology.) the more grateful you are, the more realistically you see things, and the more likely you are to forgive.
counteracts the negativity bias.
9: remind yourself that you made a brave choice to forgive. (change your story - from victim to hero. a story about how you have handled adversity well.)
some things might seem unforgiveable, but some people are able to forgive even the worst things. some people can't forgive the smallest things. try to forgive what you can. the forgiveness is not in the offense, it's in you.
Forgiveness is a hidden human skill that is valuable but hard to access.
In any way you can, remember that you're loved. if you can't connect with love, walk outside and appreciate the beauty of nature.
Practice forgiveness - it takes practice.
