foot pain and farewell to see see motorcycle coffee

I have so much beauty to write about, about the vampire ball with finley Saturday and rock climbing with my beloved husband on Monday.

But right now I am in so much pain. I had a devastatingly disappointing podiatrist visit (my third attempt to see someone to help me with my foot that has failed), and then I jammed the very toe that was diagnosed with bone spurring and fell on top of my laundry basket which then tumbled over and fell onto me. Nothing is hurt other than my already-hurt toe, but I won't be doing anymore sports this week. My shoulder is flaring, my hip is flaring, in wild shooting pain, both of them, and as much as I know it promotes inflammation, all I can think about is eating comfort food and wishing I could sob it all away - but tears are mostly staying dry, today. I cried a little on the drive home, but nothing cathartic, just pitiful.

Everything hurts too much. I've been asking too much of my body, lately. Days like this I envy people who unconcernedly eat junk food and walk around with 20-30 pounds of extra weight without minding how it looks or feels, or what it might mean for future mobility as they age. I am so afraid of not being able to be out in nature on trails, or up in silks in the sky, or out under the flashing lights on the dance floor. because i don't drink or do drugs, don't enjoy tv, do not binge on junk food or enjoy shows or movies except very sparingly, and don't believe in god or have children, these are the things that bring me the most joy and contentment, the things that make me feel healthy, happy, confident, and alive. if those things get taken away, i don't know who i would be. i guess i would read and write and make wings and be very, very, very, very sad.

I need toast. And maybe some de-acoholized wine. I already had a croissant at the beloved motorcycle coffee shop that is closing this week - i so rarely indulge in pastries, the last time I did was the day i got my blood drawn in March - but it tasted like paper.

health problems related to aging - just a bunch of venting.

Just wanted to make a note about my day, here.

I started bleeding again, a week after my last period, more heavily this time - my entire period last time was very light.

This stage of perimenopause is extremely uncomfortable and I feel like I'm dying a lot of the time, that my body is completely falling apart, or that I'm becoming an entirely different person and it's not anyone I want to be. It feels really awful.

But. Part of this is that I just really need to get on hormone replacement therapy really badly. but in order to do that, I have to swallow my anger and frustration over the last mishap with my attempt to start that, wherein my doctor gave me a waaaaaay too high dose of progesterone claiming it was very light - and it cost me $80, and I need to figure out how to use Fullscript and actually create an account so that I can access the supplements he put on there and try this other version of progesterone that is a fraction of what i tried before. because my estrogen levels show normal in my blood - which is NOT what my symptoms indicate, and there is tons of research around blood tests being totally inaccurate for hormones and that one needs to go by symptoms and not blood tests, but I digress - because my estrogen always comes up normal on my blood draws, he won't give me any UNTIL I'm on progesterone. Because we're supposed to do them in tandom. and it's the only one that ever shows low on my labs. even though it's the last thing I want - it's the make-you-sleepy-and-gain-weight-and-get-more-headaches hormone so it's really the last thing I want, whereas estrogen will help me stop losing bone density and stop getting arthritis which my podiatrist thinks I might have.

I need an actual joint/bone doctor for my foot, but I don't know how to go about finding one at all. I need a scan to see if I actually have arthritis in my foot. Because that's a different matter. And the conventional wisdom of "well you just have it and it's not going away" is not going to fly with me. I refuse to just stop using my body and accept that it is breaking down when there are 90 year olds still running marathons. My body should not just break down at age 49, I refuse to accept this.

kinda angry and overwhelmed and nonfunctional at the moment. But. Hormonal, so it make sense. All I really wanted to do was remind myself that I need to try to figure out how to navigate using Fullscript. Because I've never been able to figure it out. I'll try in the morning when my thoughts are more clear. And maybe ask google or Josh for help if I get stuck again (I've tried before and failed).