i think my coffee is broken

been a little bit of a rough day emotionally. a lot of reading, a lot of chores, not a lot of fun. i really need to finish chores and instead i keep snacking. josh will be home in a couple hours and I would love to at least have the floors done for him. gotta find some spunky tunes and get this done. where is the dopamine when you need it? fr.

I did work on the wednesday dance some, i don't feel like i've made much progress, need to keep flushing out the filler. I mostly want Wednesday shuffle, Wednesday claws, Wednesday shoulder rolls, a couple of Wednesday shimmydowns, and some claps and rawr turns from Thriller, which I think Wednesday would approve of? after ten+ years of teaching the thriller choreo, it feels necessary. not only does it need to fit the vibe, but it also needs to fit the music, AND it needs to feel good, and make sense. it's a lot to ask and i keep trying, but so far have not found quite the right magical combo. I think I have a chance though. I've been flash-mobbing long enough to know the elements i need and how to put them together. just need to fight past the overwhelming self-doubt, bleargh.

i stayed alone all weekend. probably not good for my psyche, and probably part of why i broke down into tears this morning, oops.

(no subject)

oh man, finally was able to put away the snacks and get the floors and kitchen done. The bathroom will just have to wait I guess. That's okay. It's so much better than it was. It's so funny how I promise myself some sort of naughty treat when I start but by the time I'm done, I don't want said treat anymore lol.

I was never taught how to do housework by anyone, so it's really a struggle for me, I don't have the right tools and every time I try a new one I can't figure out how to use it. Avalanche's fur just flies all over the apartment, I get some of it but so much just flutters about when I sweep the hardwoods and linoleum, and flies around everywhere and I can't figure out for the life of me how to pick it up when it's just floating in the air like that. I need some sort of sticky sweeper tool I guess but I don't know what that would be.

The grubby fingerprinty doorframes and appliances need love but I'm the only one who notices that stuff anyway so it's not very motivating to tackle it. Nobody ever comes over anymore, I gave up inviting people, it hurts too much to constantly get turned down or flaked on. Josh will probably not even notice the clean kitchen. People only notice when things are dirty. It felt good to scrub the floor. The new mop is better, but it still takes me three passes to get it to look cleanish. I think the eco-friendly biodegradable soap slows me down a bit.

I'm tired and grouchy. Maybe I need that piece of chocolate after all. Go back to my book.

Avalanche LOVES it when I clean, she gets super happy and playful. I think it changes her world more since she lives lower to the ground. She follows me around and purrs and plays. She's curled up next to me now, she's been velco kitten all day. She reached up and pawed at my feet during my workout earlier. Curled up next to me during breakfast and lunch. sweetest kitten. I'll take her out for evening walkies in a little bit. She didn't want to walk much this morning.