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Aug. 24th, 2024 09:27 pmIt's so strange, Tyler called and invited me to go mushrooming with him tomorrow on the mountain, and I don't want to go? I desperately need to get outside, I desperately need to socialize, this is the perfect setup, I am going to try to force myself to go even though I don't want to. But I want to just stay home and do laundry and sweep the floors while Josh is gone, and not much else.
So depressed. So isolated. I did it to myself.
I was trying to get some friends to go see Alien: Romulus with me tomorrow night, I don't want that to get messed up by mushrooming, but maybe Alien can happen another night. Tyler is important to me. I'm just afraid of spending quiet time alone with him in my current fragile mental state. I'm so tired of him trying to fix my foot as if he is a doctor. His foot condition is different than mine and his approach to healing (e.g. he avoids it and just gets steroid shots which is not actually healing at all, it's just erasing the pain temporarily while the joint continues to degrade) is also entirely different. Maybe erasing pain so that one can pretend everything is fine is best so that activities that stabilize mood can continue, but I'd like to at least make a concerted effort to preserve the joint and address the root cause if at all possible, before I give up and resort to that. I should not be losing joint function at my age. I need to fix the underlying issue, so that I can continue to do activities that make me healthy and happy as I continue to age.
anyway.
Finished my book. Mink River. Re-reading sections because I loved it so much. I will write them here, those favorite selected passages. (Like the one about the crow friend that Moses lost to suicide.) Josh says I should find more books by the author and he will get them for me. Brian Doyle died in 2016 of some sort of cancer, in his 50s. soooooooooooooo sad. But there are a couple more novels, I think. This was his first and won all sorts of awards. He is a nature writer and also has some shorter form writings and non-fiction works.
I think this is the first physical book I have read since pandemic. All the screens have made it very difficult for me to keep my attention on a physical page. But that book held me. I got a little vexed at some of the melodramatic violence, but I suppose these days no novel will be published without some bloodshed and lost feathers.
I feel very disconnected and sad about finley. he gave me a sweet hug yesterday, in passing. i have sent him sweet little notes. but i am in pain.
My tinnitus is so distressing.
I need to find a functional medicine doctor. A better one, my online one is too dismissive and unhelpful.
Josh is being very clingy and it is a bit suffocating. But I cherish his love more and more. He's wonderful. He is so cute about making sure he always has his wedding band on when we go out, or when he goes out without me, or when he is at work, or when he socializes. He loves being married to me and it fills my heart with peace and warmth and gratitude. He does not cause me pain. I just get tired of washing all of his dishes, sometimes. And I wish my depression didn't make him so sad. I do my best to hide it, but it isn't enough.
Maybe one day we will have a dishwasher.
It's been cold and grey and rainy. This usually happens during the summer at some point. But it's like, *really* cold. Like 50s at night. I made sweet potato pancakes for lunch today. with blueberries and strawberries. And ran my hands under hot water just to get warm. I am wearing a tank top, t-shirt, sweater, and hoodie, and put a jacket over all of it to walk the cat. It'll be 90 next weekend. I will excitedly bask in the sun.
So depressed. So isolated. I did it to myself.
I was trying to get some friends to go see Alien: Romulus with me tomorrow night, I don't want that to get messed up by mushrooming, but maybe Alien can happen another night. Tyler is important to me. I'm just afraid of spending quiet time alone with him in my current fragile mental state. I'm so tired of him trying to fix my foot as if he is a doctor. His foot condition is different than mine and his approach to healing (e.g. he avoids it and just gets steroid shots which is not actually healing at all, it's just erasing the pain temporarily while the joint continues to degrade) is also entirely different. Maybe erasing pain so that one can pretend everything is fine is best so that activities that stabilize mood can continue, but I'd like to at least make a concerted effort to preserve the joint and address the root cause if at all possible, before I give up and resort to that. I should not be losing joint function at my age. I need to fix the underlying issue, so that I can continue to do activities that make me healthy and happy as I continue to age.
anyway.
Finished my book. Mink River. Re-reading sections because I loved it so much. I will write them here, those favorite selected passages. (Like the one about the crow friend that Moses lost to suicide.) Josh says I should find more books by the author and he will get them for me. Brian Doyle died in 2016 of some sort of cancer, in his 50s. soooooooooooooo sad. But there are a couple more novels, I think. This was his first and won all sorts of awards. He is a nature writer and also has some shorter form writings and non-fiction works.
I think this is the first physical book I have read since pandemic. All the screens have made it very difficult for me to keep my attention on a physical page. But that book held me. I got a little vexed at some of the melodramatic violence, but I suppose these days no novel will be published without some bloodshed and lost feathers.
I feel very disconnected and sad about finley. he gave me a sweet hug yesterday, in passing. i have sent him sweet little notes. but i am in pain.
My tinnitus is so distressing.
I need to find a functional medicine doctor. A better one, my online one is too dismissive and unhelpful.
Josh is being very clingy and it is a bit suffocating. But I cherish his love more and more. He's wonderful. He is so cute about making sure he always has his wedding band on when we go out, or when he goes out without me, or when he is at work, or when he socializes. He loves being married to me and it fills my heart with peace and warmth and gratitude. He does not cause me pain. I just get tired of washing all of his dishes, sometimes. And I wish my depression didn't make him so sad. I do my best to hide it, but it isn't enough.
Maybe one day we will have a dishwasher.
It's been cold and grey and rainy. This usually happens during the summer at some point. But it's like, *really* cold. Like 50s at night. I made sweet potato pancakes for lunch today. with blueberries and strawberries. And ran my hands under hot water just to get warm. I am wearing a tank top, t-shirt, sweater, and hoodie, and put a jacket over all of it to walk the cat. It'll be 90 next weekend. I will excitedly bask in the sun.
