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gentle saturday.
Feb. 1st, 2025 07:00 pmLess tearful today, but still some.
I'm so grateful for the thoughtful comments on my last post, I will go back and write individual responses, but just wanted to write that I was overwhelmed with gratitude and comfort and I appreciate the kindness and thoughtfulness, so much.
I've been working in therapy on childhood trauma, and cPTSD, and one of the things I've learned is that my oversharing is a trauma response, and that when people can see it and respond with kindness instead of shame, it builds a sense of safety that I am seeking. So, it's really meaningful, impactful action to send me kind words, it improves my life, going forward, and I am so grateful for that.
For my kind of therapy needs, the only thing that works is years of being with the same person and feeling safe while working through things together, it almost doesn't matter the content, it matters that we are together and that he doesn't abandon me, regardless of whatever I do or say. It is long haul therapy and I am so here for it. I get so much comfort from seeing him every week, and Josh is fully funding this process and I am forever grateful to him for helping me build a stronger sense of self, as I move forward through this life. I am past the halfway point in my fleeting little wisp of time I get on this planet and it feels urgent to figure out a way to suffer less, to be able to support both myself and others in more healthy ways.
Josh and I are beside ourselves with gratitude for each other. We're doing really well. He is patient and kind when I need space, and I give him as much support and attention as I can, whenever I have the strength. Neither of us can believe our good luck in having found one another. I can't believe how much he loves me. How he still finds me so beautiful and enticing. How much he appreciates the food I make for us. I found him a trekking show and he's been binging on it, he's so grateful, it's so cute. He found a racquetball league he loves and he's over the moon about that as well. He's an accomplished player! I didn't realize he had such skill in this area.
...
Josh's sister gave us these silly little usb mushroom string lights for xmas, and I am enjoying their soft glow above my desk, as I haphazardly wrapped them around an unused Frog's Breath candle that sits in front of my computer speakers on a little shelf.
...
Avalanche asked to go outside today, for the first time in months. For context: Avalanche was too afraid to go back outside on her leash after getting attacked by our upstairs neighbor's pitbull in September, which happened in our apartment while we were coming in from a walk, she was still on her leash and Howie was let off leash and forced his way into the apartment and grabbed her by the ribcage. I have still not fully recovered from complications from the wounds inflicted while I separated them to rescue my cat from my neighbor's unleashed, invading dog.
It's damp and 40 degrees but she has a thick coat and doesn't care. (I froze! Was very awake after that walk - which is just me standing around watching her sniff things and stare at birds.) We only stayed out a little while but she didn't get spooked or panic at all, I am so proud of her.
...
Did some work today, lit a small candle for Imbolc. I wanted to work through some clutter but I think that can wait until tomorrow, I am tired and want popcorn and movies with the husband now, I think.
...
I've been putting this on full screen and having it on in the background in my room when I'm not using the laptop for other things, it's been comforting, during these emotional last couple of days.
I'm so grateful for the thoughtful comments on my last post, I will go back and write individual responses, but just wanted to write that I was overwhelmed with gratitude and comfort and I appreciate the kindness and thoughtfulness, so much.
I've been working in therapy on childhood trauma, and cPTSD, and one of the things I've learned is that my oversharing is a trauma response, and that when people can see it and respond with kindness instead of shame, it builds a sense of safety that I am seeking. So, it's really meaningful, impactful action to send me kind words, it improves my life, going forward, and I am so grateful for that.
For my kind of therapy needs, the only thing that works is years of being with the same person and feeling safe while working through things together, it almost doesn't matter the content, it matters that we are together and that he doesn't abandon me, regardless of whatever I do or say. It is long haul therapy and I am so here for it. I get so much comfort from seeing him every week, and Josh is fully funding this process and I am forever grateful to him for helping me build a stronger sense of self, as I move forward through this life. I am past the halfway point in my fleeting little wisp of time I get on this planet and it feels urgent to figure out a way to suffer less, to be able to support both myself and others in more healthy ways.
Josh and I are beside ourselves with gratitude for each other. We're doing really well. He is patient and kind when I need space, and I give him as much support and attention as I can, whenever I have the strength. Neither of us can believe our good luck in having found one another. I can't believe how much he loves me. How he still finds me so beautiful and enticing. How much he appreciates the food I make for us. I found him a trekking show and he's been binging on it, he's so grateful, it's so cute. He found a racquetball league he loves and he's over the moon about that as well. He's an accomplished player! I didn't realize he had such skill in this area.
...
Josh's sister gave us these silly little usb mushroom string lights for xmas, and I am enjoying their soft glow above my desk, as I haphazardly wrapped them around an unused Frog's Breath candle that sits in front of my computer speakers on a little shelf.
...
Avalanche asked to go outside today, for the first time in months. For context: Avalanche was too afraid to go back outside on her leash after getting attacked by our upstairs neighbor's pitbull in September, which happened in our apartment while we were coming in from a walk, she was still on her leash and Howie was let off leash and forced his way into the apartment and grabbed her by the ribcage. I have still not fully recovered from complications from the wounds inflicted while I separated them to rescue my cat from my neighbor's unleashed, invading dog.
It's damp and 40 degrees but she has a thick coat and doesn't care. (I froze! Was very awake after that walk - which is just me standing around watching her sniff things and stare at birds.) We only stayed out a little while but she didn't get spooked or panic at all, I am so proud of her.
...
Did some work today, lit a small candle for Imbolc. I wanted to work through some clutter but I think that can wait until tomorrow, I am tired and want popcorn and movies with the husband now, I think.
...
I've been putting this on full screen and having it on in the background in my room when I'm not using the laptop for other things, it's been comforting, during these emotional last couple of days.
