ow.

might need to ease up on the cleaning videos. at first they were relaxing but now they're starting to cause me some stress. I am throwing things away more, and thinking about what to throw away. I like the idea of the "move out/move in" technique of taking everything out of a room, cleaning it, and then putting everything back. But I don't think I'm up for that. culling first might be a better use of my time, especially since we will likely move this fall or winter anyway.

Josh is worried about moving in winter and yeah it would suck but I don't mind wrecking the holidays, holidays suck anyway and it would be a good excuse to skip them. I do love xmas, but just the cookies, tree, music, and a handful of light-hearted things to unwrap. hot cocoa and snow. sweaters and oversleeping. not so much the gatherings and pressure to be festive. I don't feel emotionally safe around my (alcohol-dependent) family and Josh's family is Jewish, so.

...

I'm home because my customer stood me up this morning. She didn't even bother to text me until I texted her when she was 7 minutes late. And didn't even reply when I offered to reschedule, or indicate whether she was going to try to come late or just reschedule, she just didn't answer, after her initial reply that she was having a "weird reaction to a gluten tolerance test" whatever that means. I hope she's okay. It sounds like she's not feeling well and my brain doesn't work in that condition, either, but it's also just so disrespectful to leave me sitting there waiting and not knowing. I hate service work, times like this.

I got really bad cramps again when this happened, I think they are triggered by stress. So I drove home in extreme pain and ate some saltines and granola and now I'm just sitting here trying to relax and not make it worse. I was going to try to vacuum my car in the high-homicide area during my lunch break but now I just can't make myself. Maybe I can just take it to the car washing place and let them do it for me where I don't have to worry about being shot at because I don't look right. There have been *so many* homicides in Portland, lately. People keep telling me it's getting better but I think they are deluded. (This was where we took our car to vacuum it out ourselves when I was a kid, it was not unsafe back then. It's the only way I know how to do it.)

Need to go back to work in half an hour but grateful to be able to just chill for a bit. Not sure what to wear to Shadowplay tonight, I feel so bloated and gross. I'll figure something out. I think dancing later might make me feel better. If this pain would just dissipate.

not a good night.

had kind of a rough day, the moon is full, I am having no luck getting into the shower so I can go dance at the club. I can just go for an hour. I just want to pop in I think. No crazy outfit this week, no crazy dancing, just, be in the space I feel safest for a small while. I can do this. Why is it so hard to move.

I have devolved into a really painful and nonfunctional place psychologically and I'm not sure what to do about it.

In so much pain, and so scared about it. Worried for Josh, whose parents' health are failing in multiple ways simultaneously, and seeing how he can't handle it, and seeing how I am on the same trajectory. He won't be able to handle my decline, either. Neither will I. It's going to get so much worse, and I am so scared.

I think I am still too traumatized from the unbearably slow and unspeakably painful way my mother died to be able to ever feel safe or unafraid.

My brain has not worked at all today.

I keep doing crazy stuff like, grabbing the wrong key for the wrong door, I sat on the toilet before lifting the seat, the voice inside my head keeps calling Avalanche "Willow" (my cat who died in 2011, that Avi sometimes reminds me of, they are the same size and softness and they both trill, but they don't look alike, and Wil has been dead for 14 years, so it scares me when my brain does this).

I have been sleeping since 6pm, I think I just need to go back to bed. I can dance on Sunday instead, it's okay.

I feel very lucky that Brandie texted me about the moon. I am sad that our friendship fizzled, but I appreciate her moon texts, they have been consistent lately. I asked her to do this for me when Madoc died of cancer in 2020, as he was my moon texting friend back then and I missed his messages more than I could bear. You know those people that are just able to find where the two of you meet emotionally, and make space for you there.