serafaery

had kind of a rough day, the moon is full, I am having no luck getting into the shower so I can go dance at the club. I can just go for an hour. I just want to pop in I think. No crazy outfit this week, no crazy dancing, just, be in the space I feel safest for a small while. I can do this. Why is it so hard to move.

I have devolved into a really painful and nonfunctional place psychologically and I'm not sure what to do about it.

In so much pain, and so scared about it. Worried for Josh, whose parents' health are failing in multiple ways simultaneously, and seeing how he can't handle it, and seeing how I am on the same trajectory. He won't be able to handle my decline, either. Neither will I. It's going to get so much worse, and I am so scared.

I think I am still too traumatized from the unbearably slow and unspeakably painful way my mother died to be able to ever feel safe or unafraid.

My brain has not worked at all today.

I keep doing crazy stuff like, grabbing the wrong key for the wrong door, I sat on the toilet before lifting the seat, the voice inside my head keeps calling Avalanche "Willow" (my cat who died in 2011, that Avi sometimes reminds me of, they are the same size and softness and they both trill, but they don't look alike, and Wil has been dead for 14 years, so it scares me when my brain does this).

I have been sleeping since 6pm, I think I just need to go back to bed. I can dance on Sunday instead, it's okay.

I feel very lucky that Brandie texted me about the moon. I am sad that our friendship fizzled, but I appreciate her moon texts, they have been consistent lately. I asked her to do this for me when Madoc died of cancer in 2020, as he was my moon texting friend back then and I missed his messages more than I could bear. You know those people that are just able to find where the two of you meet emotionally, and make space for you there.