a hopeful tuesday.

Natasha was able to get her passport, she had really nice photocopies of all of her stolen identification and that was more than enough for them, they didn't need me at all and sort of balked at my presence. But. She, like me, is a rule-follower, and the websites clearly stated that copies of documents were not sufficient and that a "human identification" friend was, so I went. I did drive most of the way, since she needed to do work meetings on her laptop, and for some reason the passport folks were all very concerned about her driving with an ID so were glad I was there? But, she's still legal to drive, even without possession of a physical license, it's not like it got suspended or something. Anyway, yes. It was not necessary for me to go but I was happy to help and to be there just in case, and maybe for moral support.

I took a very cheap train ride home on amtrak. The first half of the ride was upsetting because *everyone* was sick and I did not think to bring a mask (none of the coughing, sneezing people did either), and it smelled like fritos and bad cologne, so I pulled my sweater up over my face and tried to read, but it hurt my arthritic hands to hold my book, my breath was fogging up my glasses, and my audiobook was just not what I wanted at that moment, so after maybe an hour of trying to listen to it, I just tried to sleep. (I got up at 5am to make her appointment by 9:45am.)

But the second half of the train ride I spent in the cafe car, which I should have just gone to in the first place, so nice! Lots of open space, big windows, no one coughing or sneezing. Beautiful sunshine, hot coffee with real cream. I felt very relaxed and happy once I was in there. The train had been so crowded I'd just assumed the cafe car would be just as bad as the coach seating, but it was not at all.

When I got to the train station in Portland, the sky was so beautiful I didn't want to go home yet. I had been sitting inside vehicles the entire day, and wanted to walk, even though it was cold. So I walked from Union Station to Pioneer Square, streets I've been intimately familiar with since I was 12. In the early 90s, we had the highest homicide rate in the country in this very strip of the city, due to gangs being forced out of SoCal. But I walked these areas fearlessly anyway. I don't know if I had good instincts or if I was just lucky. But on this day, despite the rampant homelessness and obvious criminal activity on all sides, I walked confidently and felt not at all afraid or out of place, even walking through groups of suspicious looking people. We nod, I have zero concern for their dealings and they can tell I'm not lost.

It was profoundly sad, though. The smell of feces and BO and desperation everywhere. It has not gotten better. I walked across Burnside, making a bee-line for a cute little bar I used to visit with an old ex-boyfriend, but it was shuttered and black. In place of beloved storefronts like London Underground and designer import shops, are things like Verizon and weed dispensaries. Surrounding the high end hotels. The city really profoundly mismanaged this problem. It's heartbreaking.

But, Pioneer Square was the same. I stopped in the trimet office and used the cleanest bathrooms in the city (the train's bathrooms did not smell inviting so I did not sample them), and enjoyed the half-disassembled christmas tree and lingering decorations and lights all around, as golden hour fell over the city. It was lovely. I would have stayed for the crows - we get this massive influx of something like half a million crows roosting downtown at night, they fill the streets with their complicated, important chatter, and blacken all of the branches of all of the trees as they settle in to roost - it's *breathtaking* - but I wanted to get home to Avalanche.

My lyft driver was quiet and did not play any music, he drove exquisitely (I'm a very good driver and I notice these things), and he said softly when we pulled into our street, in what sounded to me like an Amharic accent (I've known a few Ethiopian families), "nice area, nice home." I said, yes, we are very lucky, tipped him in cash which almost startled him, and my eyes teared up as I walked up the walkway to my door. I don't think I've had anyone tell me this yet, about my house. These sorts of opinions depend very much on one's individual perspective and experience, but to me, I don't know, at this moment from this gentle-mannered person, it just really mattered a lot. I don't know why but I took Avalanche outside into the backyard to watch the sunset with me and wept quietly at the thought that someone like my lyft driver would see our house as a nice home in a nice area.

Josh had a new rock-climbing buddy over to visit tonight and he also said, "I like your home!" which was really nice. I know Cynthia and Hanne both mentioned they liked the house, from the photos or just seeing the outside, but, I don't know why, I guess I just feel like I can't know if that's their honest opinion because they would never say otherwise, even if they hated it, because they are such kind-hearted friends. They are rich in comparison to us and have much more expensive, fancier houses in highly desirable neighborhoods so it feels like a pity-compliment, coming from them. Natasha, who has a super ritzy house in a high end tourist area, didn't even say she liked our house, she just said, "You guys have so much more space!" And she did note that the backyard is great for the cats.

..

Today was really nice. I decided to go try silks, and it went shockingly well. I've been in too much pain up until yesterday to even think about silks. But after spending some time examining my swelling and the source of the pain and reading up on it, the recommendation besides NSAIDs - which I avoid - is a hot compress. So I fell asleep with a heating pad on my breast last night, and woke up feeling a lot better. I put it on again this morning and felt worlds better, which made me decide to sign up for open gym, just to see what I could do.

I maybe went a little too hard, because once I climbed the silks and realized it wasn't going to hurt, other than all the soreness of my shoulder and neck from over-working to protect the area, I just went for it. It felt so good. It was so much fun. Yay.

( body image stuff )

Avalanche is snoring softly, it's so cute. She braved the rain outside tonight for a bit, and let our visitor pet her, so proud of her.

Shipped off an order, managed to cook Josh a beautiful lunch before I left for silks, got some errands done, feeling very productive and happy.

Catching up with a friend after PT tomorrow, might try to swim after?

Post-op visit Thursday, sparkling Thurs/Fri/Saturday. I'd love to try to ski Sunday but the forecast calls for it to go back to rain after dumping snow this week, alas.

Maybe it will be dry enough to hike next week, if there's still no snow. We'll see.

I miss Tyler. He's doing a CNA program all month that's all day long every day. I'm proud of him for working so hard, but, siiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

Been watching some decluttering videos, and, well, thinking about resolutions. My birb app suggested, "what's one thing you want to focus more on this month, and one thing you want to think about less?" I don't have answers for either of these prompts?

Should I try to do a vision board? I feel like barely surviving is enough right now.

But I'm also vaguely aware that I have no idea what I want. Other than to not be so sad and afraid, so much of the time.

( more body image stuff. )

At least, for today, I feel relatively at peace. This is an accomplishment, as I woke up feeling very anxious and upset.(Forgive me for turning off the news. I know very upsetting unbelievable things are happening, but I also know I have no control over these events.) I made a very conscious attempt not to feed that feeling. It's not often I can fend it off like I did, today. Something to make note of. A little win. Baby steps are the only way I've ever made real lasting substantial progress.

I still want to visit the whales, one day. I got my passport for a reason. I do not like to fly but. I wonder if I could take trains to the Baja peninsula.

little projects

one other thing I meant to write about was how happy I am that we finally got that little protective wooden railing up for Avalanche along the outside of the landings that are overlooking the main floor from upstairs. There are two very high, exposed platforms that I was super worried about, and needed to protect in case she ever tried to jump up there. I worked really hard to plan out a way to get this done, after researching a ton and experimenting with different materials. I eventually landed on thin planks of a soft, very pretty wood I found at Home Depot, and even with initially purchasing the wrong size wood, and having to get several different sizes of brackets and wood screws to find the right combo, we were able to complete the project together for about $50. I hand-cut the pieces we needed, Josh bravely leaned over the side (it's a 20 foot drop) to screw them into place, and we got it all done before Natasha and Taiga arrived, so we finally have those areas cleared and cat-safe.

Funnily, Avalanche has not once tried to jump up to either platform. But Taiga did, once, and I was not the slightest bit worried as there was a protective barrier in place to keep him safe.

Yay!

To hire a handyperson to do this would have cost several hundred dollars in materials, and probably a lot of noise and difficulty as they would have had to bring in a very tall ladder in order to do the installation properly protected (rather than leaning over the side like Josh did). Josh made a comment about it being half-assed, but although yes the wood is not perfectly straight and doesn't match the white trim it's screwed to, it does the job perfectly and it looks fine.

I'm super super proud of myself for figuring this out. It was hard and we got it done. (Josh's drill helped a lot.)

It seems like a little thing but it's kind of a big deal.

My brother has a condo with a ledge that his cats have fallen off of. He's lucky it happened when they were kittens and they did not get seriously injured. He'll be lucky if it never happens when they are older, as they still go up on that ledge. I would never be okay with putting my pets at risk like that. But looking back, he's lost cats in neglectful, very sad circumstances a number of times. I've realized my mom treated her cats this way too, some people just don't have the capacity to protect their animals in a way that I would consider responsible. I'm trying not to morally judge, some people use cats as working animals (barn cats, to protect grain) and that's what they were originally bred to do, who am I to say if that's right or wrong, but it does make me aware that he is not a person I would trust to care for my cat. In my world, a companion animal needs more protection than that. But that's just me.

Anyway. Every time I walk up the stairs and look at our railing that we built together I feel a warm fuzzy feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment and peace of mind that I don't have to worry about Avalanche ever falling from there. It was a worry when we purchased the house, and I worked really hard to fix it. It's fixed. It wouldn't keep a small child safe but it's perfect for Avi. Feels good. :)