bonhomme de neige

Last day off before hitting the grind again, I want to maximize it and I also want to sleep it away, but will try to find something between those that makes me feel productive but not wear me out.

One order to complete, that'll help.

I would like to visit the library, and I may take a giant electric blanket and my giant knee length goose down coat to donate. I haven't used the coat since I moved back home from Boston, it's overkill here. I haven't used the blanket in years, it's lovely and even has separate controls for each side, it's king sized I think? A gift from an ex's mom. But overkill.

I need to do some writing around grief I think. Because I tried a meditation and it didn't feel right. I cried a lot but I didn't feel better. There is too much loss, too many compounded layers of loss, the confusion and pain and permanence is too much to get through by just getting quiet and trying to be kind to myself. I need more evidence that I deserve this kindness. I think writing might help me unearth some of that.

Maybe I need to go back and finish Grandma's book today.

I'd bike in this beautiful sunshine but it's so cold. A walk makes more sense.

(Out of order, I made Josh lunch and myself a lovely breakfast.)

Avoiding house work. Now that Josh's trip is a week away, I might just wait one more week so that I can do it when he's gone. At least the bulk of it. I can do a few little things today - brush off the cat trees, sweep the kitchen, wipe down a bathroom or three.

I think I saw a flea on Avalanche last night. The only place I think she could get one would be the rats? Unless I picked one up petting that giant Burmese/doodle at the coast? Hard to imagine in winter. But I am pretty sure I saw what I saw. Just a black dot that vanished into her fur when I tried to grab it. But I know that vanishing act.

But I can't find any evidence on her - there was a tiny bit of dirt at the base of her tail but that could just be from her rolling around on the patio. Nothing telltale flea-dirt-shaped. I heard her scratching last night but only a little, and cats scratch sometimes even if they don't have fleas. Really hard to imagine in winter. But. It's been so warm and sunny, until recently, when it turned frigid and sunny. Still not lower than 30 at night yet.

Maybe Taiga brought them? Natasha doesn't know about fleas yet. But, unlikely. It's even more wintery where they live.

What if Avi gets plague from the rats' fleas? :(

Mostly I'm paranoid of them moving into the house, now that we have carpet. :(((

I just, I see zero signs on her. It's so hard to get down to her skin with the kind of incredibly thick soft undercoat she has, but I should see flea dirt somewhere if there is even just one or two fleas. I know the spots they like and I keep checking them and there's nothing. They can run from the flea comb but their dirt can't. I dunno. I don't want to poison her for no reason. I might wait a couple more days and keep checking, keep watching for scratching, erf, stressful.

...

Got all my bills paid and more addresses updated. Feels good to get through a pile of papers I was avoiding.

Still working on the student loan recert, will finish that on the 1st just to make it easier, 90 days is easier to calculate in calendar months. I did this last year, too. I can recert the way it is easily, so no issues.

So the next big hurdle will be taxes. Oof.

I will wait to begin to tackle that, I think. I could at least build a spreadsheet? Uuugghhh.

Still ignoring my store website and my entire personal living space, but, it just feels too hard right now?

If I do donations today, I could drop off maybe the velvet cloak as well if I still have it. It's just so heavy. There are some shops I need to check out in that area I could visit after. A stationery shop (I need colored pens for the bird calendar I finally hung at my desk today) and a gift shop that could be a potential sparkling spot (although I think Symposium would also be fine for this, at least sometimes). And the chocolate shop, perhaps?

My whole body is sore from all the super fun physical activity of yesterday, but I still need to do my PT. I feel kind of paralyzed, here, it's soooooo hard to motivate when sore. Maybe I can just go lightly, today?

How nice would a soak in the hot tub at the gym be right now? Maybe I need to go there later. Or sooner.

...

Josh and I went to a country bar for two-step dancing with Cynthia and her friends Wendy and Cindy. Cindy is nice but kind of obnoxious? Wendy is lovely and we were basically there to be supportive of her. The bar was PACKED for some reason, and when the lesson finally got started, there were so many women that I couldn't see the instructors, and when one of them coughed a wet, gross cough behind me right into my ear, I walked away immediately and left the group without even turning around. I went across the street to the gas station and they blessedly had disposable masks for sale, I bought one and put it on and came back in and watched the lesson from a stool, with my weird non-alcoholic cerveza. There were maybe 60+ people in this bar of all ages and it's superflu season and not a single person was in a mask? Aside from myself? I was very unhappy. I tried to dance with Josh but he wouldn't dance on time and the movement hurts my hips. I think because he doesn't know the dance/doesn't know how to lead it yet. This only happens when we try new-to-us dances. But OUCH. Not my thing. Josh had fun and he was still happy that we got dressed up and went out. He got to wear the bolo tie he got from a coworker in Texas, a gift from his last work trip there.

...

I had the most amazing time on silks yesterday, still high from that. My lines are not clean but I'm back to doing all of my usual moves again, I'm so happy.

...

Josh and I had the funniest moment this morning, we were greeting each other in French and trying to engage in small-talk, so when mentioning Avalanche (le chat blanc) going outside to chase the rats, I asked Siri how to say "rat" in French and the word is spelled the same but the sound is like someone choking on their own spit. I burst out laughing, while Josh complained that there was no structure to that sound, it just sounded like a throat problem. "That's what their R and A sound like and you don't say the T!" I laughed. He was not impressed. I was soooooo tickled. I thought perhaps it is an onomatopoeia for them, because it sounds like something you'd use to express aversion, like "ugh" lol.

...

There is a chance it will snow on Thursday. It is not in the forecast but I can feel it. Not taking my light up snowman down off the porch until it snows. My little good luck bonhomme de neige.

it's full of stars.

ran out of steam, but accomplished some things. I would love to bake a pie and dye my hair but I think I will curl up and attempt another grief meditation.

I mailed my order and address updates, paid bills, donated my precious knee length down coat from my years in Boston, that kept me safe and warm when my dad died, kept me safe and warm after 9/11 (I was in Boston the day the towers fell and since the planes came from Logan airport, there was an especially dark cloud over the city and a deafening quiet in the sky for weeks, as air traffic was entirely halted), kept me safe and warm when I got my hip reconstructed, when I lost my first lover, who had my entire heart and soul. I still miss him. We were together for 6.5 years. He was 7 years my junior. It didn't matter. We were amazing together. I hope he is happy and well, wherever he is. He came back from deployment with damaged hearing and some spiritual wounds that I doubt will heal, but I hope someone out there is loving the utter hell out of him, he deserves it.

He is the reason I have made this much progress trying to become a better person. He taught me how to be better, how to love, how to function without inflicting pain on those who tried to love me. He brought me everything good in my life. Indirectly, through a mutual friend, he brought me Josh and Tyler. It doesn't matter that I put him on a pedestal, I will never see him again. So he will stay there all shiny and perfect and untouchable.

If I do ever see him, I will not let him leave without a kiss.

He would be... 43? What a hottie, I bet.

I walked under the sliver moon for too long and got too chilled and can't get warm.

Checked out some gift shops, bought Josh some single source award winning chocolate, bought myself some colorful pens for calendaring and washi tape with bunnies on it.

The gift shop won't work for sparkling, alas. But Symposium still may. We shall see.

Or maybe I can rent space somewhere else. I will keep my eyes open.

Back to work tomorrow, and then Shadowplay.

Maybe I can dye my hair in the morning. Or not.

I am tired but happy.

I also donated my electric blanket, a gift from Preston's mom, a different ex. Preston was marriage material too, like John, but, Josh is a better fit for me. Preston was wonderful and fun and exactly what I needed at the time, but, he had a temper. I am too delicate for being berated and treated as if I am stupid when I make mistakes.

I still want to smash my entire body against his every time I see him (I haven't seen him in years, but still). This will never go away.

I am so in love with everyone and everything right now. Is this what it feels like to not be depressed? The laughing ducks. The quiet shadowy nutria swimming in the chilled creek in the darkening dusk. The bare tree branches against the twilit sky. The cheerful pub lights in the distance. Afternoon coffee. My sweet silly cat. Little space heaters to take the chill off. Salty crunchy snacks. It's all just so perfect and miraculous.

It was really, really hard letting go of those items that kept me warm and safe during really hard times. But Josh keeps me warm and safe, now. I keep myself warm and safe. My friends keep me warm and safe. I will be okay without them.

I kept the floor length wool coat, and the down comforter, for now. I eventually should be able to release them, too, but, let's give it a little while longer. I can't go too fast and hard too soon on this new chapter of releasing emotionally hoarded items. It has to be slow and gentle and steady. Baby steps. The only way I've ever successfully improved as a human.