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chilly tuesday.
Mar. 10th, 2026 07:42 pmwas able to get a decent amount of work done on taxes today, I'm nowhere near done but I made some slow but steady progress. Also got another central air conditioner quote. still a lot to sift through and consider before we choose a contractor and unit and whether or not to save money ahead of time and upgrade our furnace (it's about half the cost of the furnace to add a new one to the a/c install, vs wait for it to die and do it separately later) or just try to limp along with what we have (it's 26 years old), but gathering all the info I can, feels arduous and very adult.
I just wish I felt better.
Everything still feels like it did before Las Vegas and during Las Vegas. Every day, all day, feels like swimming against the current. I had a really bad day at work Monday, my first two ladies are wonderful but the rest of the day folks just really raked me over the coals, it's hard to explain but sometimes people just sap every ounce of energy from me and then they somehow take more. Afterward something happened with my period that I won't go into but just let's put it this way, my ladybits are totally foreign to me and do things that have never happened before and spring very uncomfortable surprises on me that ruin my day and my underwear and render me unable to take a necessary decompression walk in the park because I have an accident to deal with in my pants. It really is like puberty in reverse sometimes. Whose boob is this. Whose crotch is this. Whose saggy face is this. Whose swollen arthritic fingers are these. This feels terrible and alien and unpleasant. And we wonder why I don't have a sex drive.
...
I couldn't make myself do silks today and I just didn't have it in me to take the window of no rain to ride my bike. I know exercise is good for me but I felt like I just needed a down day. I will do silks tomorrow and hopefully find a way to walk or something, even if it's rainy. It's too stormy to go to the mountain or the coast and it's threatening to freeze. But. I have a raincoat.
I want to decompress with some wildlife videos and then maybe roast a winter squash that's been on my porch since October. It's in perfect shape, but I don't know if this breed of pumpkin is very tasty? Or if six months is too long for the flavor to last. It's a really pretty pale blue color, from the organic pumpkin patch.
...
I got sad the other day because I was doing one of my self-care app exercises, "think of a favorite memory" and an image of getting drunk with cynthia and natasha popped up. No more of that for meeeeee. I wondered for a few hours if maybe sobriety is the wrong choice for me, but instead I think better to say, a) I'm happy to have those memories, and b) I can drink occasionally and pick and choose my indulgence with alcohol if I really want to. I am handling it really well and I think I can manage that. Last year I drank 3 times. None of those pushed me over any sort of edge. I got this. I do just have to remember that my tolerance is nowhere near what it once was, not only because of the sobriety but because of menopause and my age.
...
Need a grief meditation sesh tonight I think. Been thinking too much about mom and death too much again, all the people I've lost, it's too much. It never stops and I am acutely aware of my mortality at all times, but sometimes it gets worse.
...
I'm grateful to be home with my kitty.
I just wish I felt better.
Everything still feels like it did before Las Vegas and during Las Vegas. Every day, all day, feels like swimming against the current. I had a really bad day at work Monday, my first two ladies are wonderful but the rest of the day folks just really raked me over the coals, it's hard to explain but sometimes people just sap every ounce of energy from me and then they somehow take more. Afterward something happened with my period that I won't go into but just let's put it this way, my ladybits are totally foreign to me and do things that have never happened before and spring very uncomfortable surprises on me that ruin my day and my underwear and render me unable to take a necessary decompression walk in the park because I have an accident to deal with in my pants. It really is like puberty in reverse sometimes. Whose boob is this. Whose crotch is this. Whose saggy face is this. Whose swollen arthritic fingers are these. This feels terrible and alien and unpleasant. And we wonder why I don't have a sex drive.
...
I couldn't make myself do silks today and I just didn't have it in me to take the window of no rain to ride my bike. I know exercise is good for me but I felt like I just needed a down day. I will do silks tomorrow and hopefully find a way to walk or something, even if it's rainy. It's too stormy to go to the mountain or the coast and it's threatening to freeze. But. I have a raincoat.
I want to decompress with some wildlife videos and then maybe roast a winter squash that's been on my porch since October. It's in perfect shape, but I don't know if this breed of pumpkin is very tasty? Or if six months is too long for the flavor to last. It's a really pretty pale blue color, from the organic pumpkin patch.
...
I got sad the other day because I was doing one of my self-care app exercises, "think of a favorite memory" and an image of getting drunk with cynthia and natasha popped up. No more of that for meeeeee. I wondered for a few hours if maybe sobriety is the wrong choice for me, but instead I think better to say, a) I'm happy to have those memories, and b) I can drink occasionally and pick and choose my indulgence with alcohol if I really want to. I am handling it really well and I think I can manage that. Last year I drank 3 times. None of those pushed me over any sort of edge. I got this. I do just have to remember that my tolerance is nowhere near what it once was, not only because of the sobriety but because of menopause and my age.
...
Need a grief meditation sesh tonight I think. Been thinking too much about mom and death too much again, all the people I've lost, it's too much. It never stops and I am acutely aware of my mortality at all times, but sometimes it gets worse.
...
I'm grateful to be home with my kitty.
