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can't control the tears.
Sep. 30th, 2026 10:13 amJust met with a psychiatrist. She was really very sweet, like a lil angel. She is older than me. I feel so lucky. She is new to the hospital system I am in so she has a lot of availability, kind of like what happened when I found my current therapist - he was just getting started. Right place at the right time kind of thing. I am very grateful.
So just decompressing from that a little bit. I am going to cook something for Josh in a few minutes, and then try to get a bike ride in. After some rain in the wee hours, it's shaping up to be a beautiful mostly overcast/partly sunny day.
So much I want to do before the lookout tower. I would like to get my hair henna done, do some laundry, ship an order, clean my room. (More housework is needed but not going to put pressure on myself around it right now.)
Gretchen will watch Avalanche for us, she's being so kind. Avalanche went right to her when she came over last night, a very good sign.
Need to get some groceries. I wonder if I should surprise Josh with Thai food for lunch. I've been making him the same thing for lunch every day. He likes it and it's really easy (a bowl of rice that, when there are five minutes of cooking time left, I throw in onion, beans, broccoli, tomatoes, carrots, and/or whatever veggies looked good at the coop (sometimes it's beets or bok choy or peppers or radishes or whatever) salsa, and I top it with cheese after the veggies steam for five or so minutes - I cook some sort of meat or fish on the side to go with it), so it's hard to get out of the rut I guess. Sometimes I sauté tofu and veggies but that is a lot more work, so are tacos, and protein pasta requires sauce and noodles that I don't think I have at the moment - I'll check. Sometimes I do lentils or split peas but he doesn't like that as much. There is a potato and pinto beans with cheese recipe that he found that I do occasionally, but the potatoes take forever. He loves toasted garbanzo beans, which I can put on salad, but it's messy and high labor to season them well, toast them correctly, and sliver the carrots, onions, and beets for the salad. The beans and rice with veggies is just so easy.
baked the first apple/pear crisp of the season yesterday. It is so perfect and comforting.
K trying to get my day straight here.
* cook for Josh
* ship order
* groceries - don't forget water for GRLO
* maybe return goodwill (I think I'm going to not work on the moss dragon just yet, it doesn't feel right) items and look for Halloween stuff?
* bike ride?
* henna hair
* laundry
* clean/tidy room, organize stationery/create stationery area
* group therapy at 2:15
* ride with Cynthia after work?
* walk at Bull Mt park?
* set appts for the next month and create web post and email for end-of-October (limited) sparkle work schedule
* pay naturopath invoices and review labs (did a whole bunch of medical stuff yesterday, but not this one yet)
* I want to buy zinnia and california poppy seeds even though I know nothing about growing anything. The internet keeps telling me it's not too late to sew them. We are having an incredibly mild fall, so far. I want to try.
I found out that my reaction to my pneumo-vax is very common, the nurse I talked to had just seen this in another patient, nothing to worry about. yay. I should expect the same thing with the shingles vaccine, which she suggested I wait a month or two to get to let my body recover from this one. Fun times.
Gretchen refuses to let me pay her for cat sitting. I should get her a gift or something. sigh. She's helping out a bunch with her daughter Audrey's vending over the spooky season, it's sweet. She is the kindest most loving person. I always wonder if people who are like this had, or have, familial support, emotional and/or financial, that I never had, that makes it so easy for them to be so generous and thoughtful. I am working on it. I used to be an over-giver and I dialed it back too far. Trying to reach a happy medium, where I can be kind and helpful without hemorrhaging needed resources and time for my own well-being.
I was feeling kind of okay this morning but after the appt I feel really bad. It's just, really hard, to have to explain my depression symptoms to people. I can't control the tears.
I've been doing short walks in the morning during sunrise, just around the neighborhood, it's 9 minutes (I timed it this morning), today during the walk Merlin picked up 21 birds. (And I'm pretty sure it skipped a couple.) Migration season in full effect.
I had my window open for much of the night last night because I was roasting - I guess I put my comforter on my bed too soon - and heard the most unusual call at around 3am that I've never heard before. It started as almost a kind of snarly trill that would evolve into a beautiful long three toned whistle/call, with a longer tone on the last one. It was the same every time. I heard it at least a dozen times, but it was very faint, and Merlin couldn't hear it. I guess perhaps it wasn't a bird, being the middle of the night and not registering on Merlin, but I can't imagine what else would make a sound like that. It sounded otherworldly. It was not a dream.
I want to take the rest of October off (I'm booked through the 15th so I mean after that), to rebuild my website and do some marketing for it, take new product photos, maybe start some new youtube content, to fix my calendaring systems, to work on my art and wings, to reset my house and figure out how to clean and decorate it. I haven't taken any extended time off since the surgery last winter. I also desperately want to continue to declutter (and create some youtube content around that), I want less stuff. It's too much, but it's so scary to let go. I have done so much work around this and it's so much better than it was, but I want to do better.
Wish I could find a new book to read. Need more comfort material on audible. Something rich but gentle. I tried to start Middlemarch but I think that would to better as not-audio, as a paper book to read, and I am not in the mood to follow the details of victorian social nuances down to the buttons on people's outfits and what that signifies about their social standing. my brain loves that stuff, just, not right now. (My younger brain loved that stuff. Maybe it's too late for me.)
That feeling of sun on my face feeling like sun hitting a polluted gutter. It's warm and full of life and not received in the way I wish I could.
Tinnitus like a hot electric pink cloud of auditory pain.
I feel like a pile of sludge and I just want to watch Sleepy Hollow (Tim Burton version) and do nothing. But it's too sunny and there is too much to do.
So just decompressing from that a little bit. I am going to cook something for Josh in a few minutes, and then try to get a bike ride in. After some rain in the wee hours, it's shaping up to be a beautiful mostly overcast/partly sunny day.
So much I want to do before the lookout tower. I would like to get my hair henna done, do some laundry, ship an order, clean my room. (More housework is needed but not going to put pressure on myself around it right now.)
Gretchen will watch Avalanche for us, she's being so kind. Avalanche went right to her when she came over last night, a very good sign.
Need to get some groceries. I wonder if I should surprise Josh with Thai food for lunch. I've been making him the same thing for lunch every day. He likes it and it's really easy (a bowl of rice that, when there are five minutes of cooking time left, I throw in onion, beans, broccoli, tomatoes, carrots, and/or whatever veggies looked good at the coop (sometimes it's beets or bok choy or peppers or radishes or whatever) salsa, and I top it with cheese after the veggies steam for five or so minutes - I cook some sort of meat or fish on the side to go with it), so it's hard to get out of the rut I guess. Sometimes I sauté tofu and veggies but that is a lot more work, so are tacos, and protein pasta requires sauce and noodles that I don't think I have at the moment - I'll check. Sometimes I do lentils or split peas but he doesn't like that as much. There is a potato and pinto beans with cheese recipe that he found that I do occasionally, but the potatoes take forever. He loves toasted garbanzo beans, which I can put on salad, but it's messy and high labor to season them well, toast them correctly, and sliver the carrots, onions, and beets for the salad. The beans and rice with veggies is just so easy.
baked the first apple/pear crisp of the season yesterday. It is so perfect and comforting.
K trying to get my day straight here.
* cook for Josh
* ship order
* groceries - don't forget water for GRLO
* maybe return goodwill (I think I'm going to not work on the moss dragon just yet, it doesn't feel right) items and look for Halloween stuff?
* bike ride?
* henna hair
* laundry
* clean/tidy room, organize stationery/create stationery area
* group therapy at 2:15
* ride with Cynthia after work?
* walk at Bull Mt park?
* set appts for the next month and create web post and email for end-of-October (limited) sparkle work schedule
* pay naturopath invoices and review labs (did a whole bunch of medical stuff yesterday, but not this one yet)
* I want to buy zinnia and california poppy seeds even though I know nothing about growing anything. The internet keeps telling me it's not too late to sew them. We are having an incredibly mild fall, so far. I want to try.
I found out that my reaction to my pneumo-vax is very common, the nurse I talked to had just seen this in another patient, nothing to worry about. yay. I should expect the same thing with the shingles vaccine, which she suggested I wait a month or two to get to let my body recover from this one. Fun times.
Gretchen refuses to let me pay her for cat sitting. I should get her a gift or something. sigh. She's helping out a bunch with her daughter Audrey's vending over the spooky season, it's sweet. She is the kindest most loving person. I always wonder if people who are like this had, or have, familial support, emotional and/or financial, that I never had, that makes it so easy for them to be so generous and thoughtful. I am working on it. I used to be an over-giver and I dialed it back too far. Trying to reach a happy medium, where I can be kind and helpful without hemorrhaging needed resources and time for my own well-being.
I was feeling kind of okay this morning but after the appt I feel really bad. It's just, really hard, to have to explain my depression symptoms to people. I can't control the tears.
I've been doing short walks in the morning during sunrise, just around the neighborhood, it's 9 minutes (I timed it this morning), today during the walk Merlin picked up 21 birds. (And I'm pretty sure it skipped a couple.) Migration season in full effect.
I had my window open for much of the night last night because I was roasting - I guess I put my comforter on my bed too soon - and heard the most unusual call at around 3am that I've never heard before. It started as almost a kind of snarly trill that would evolve into a beautiful long three toned whistle/call, with a longer tone on the last one. It was the same every time. I heard it at least a dozen times, but it was very faint, and Merlin couldn't hear it. I guess perhaps it wasn't a bird, being the middle of the night and not registering on Merlin, but I can't imagine what else would make a sound like that. It sounded otherworldly. It was not a dream.
I want to take the rest of October off (I'm booked through the 15th so I mean after that), to rebuild my website and do some marketing for it, take new product photos, maybe start some new youtube content, to fix my calendaring systems, to work on my art and wings, to reset my house and figure out how to clean and decorate it. I haven't taken any extended time off since the surgery last winter. I also desperately want to continue to declutter (and create some youtube content around that), I want less stuff. It's too much, but it's so scary to let go. I have done so much work around this and it's so much better than it was, but I want to do better.
Wish I could find a new book to read. Need more comfort material on audible. Something rich but gentle. I tried to start Middlemarch but I think that would to better as not-audio, as a paper book to read, and I am not in the mood to follow the details of victorian social nuances down to the buttons on people's outfits and what that signifies about their social standing. my brain loves that stuff, just, not right now. (My younger brain loved that stuff. Maybe it's too late for me.)
That feeling of sun on my face feeling like sun hitting a polluted gutter. It's warm and full of life and not received in the way I wish I could.
Tinnitus like a hot electric pink cloud of auditory pain.
I feel like a pile of sludge and I just want to watch Sleepy Hollow (Tim Burton version) and do nothing. But it's too sunny and there is too much to do.
