bad night.
Feb. 21st, 2021 02:54 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
serafaeryI messed up pretty badly tonight. i really don't like the way i act when i drink. i need to do something about this. i'm just really embarrassed with how i acted with derrick and cynthia tonight, i was just obnoxious, nothing horrible, but just really stupid. and now it's 3am and i can't sleep and need some water and just to process what i'm feeling but i can't. ugh. i wish i could undo all that. sort of? it's hard. there is a relaxation that alcohol offers that i'm still not willing to totally let go of. i don't know what to do about it. but i don't know how to say no when i'm with drinking buddies (who handle it way better than i do).
we had the most beautiful day skiing, josh and i. it was so perfect. aside from the tears of grief on the way there. the sun rays through the clouds were just too beautiful. it's just too sad that my mother will never see anything beautiful ever again. and soon i won't either, and neither will anyone i ever loved. i'm not.... handling beauty very well, these days.
I think i'll drink a little bit more water and finish this episode of this horrible vampire show and then try to get some sleep.
we had the most beautiful day skiing, josh and i. it was so perfect. aside from the tears of grief on the way there. the sun rays through the clouds were just too beautiful. it's just too sad that my mother will never see anything beautiful ever again. and soon i won't either, and neither will anyone i ever loved. i'm not.... handling beauty very well, these days.
I think i'll drink a little bit more water and finish this episode of this horrible vampire show and then try to get some sleep.
