cold tea. sad heart.
Apr. 13th, 2021 08:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
serafaeryfeelin' bad. not sure journalling will help at all. it might just be general malaise/crummy feeling from the vaccine. but i'm just kinda pissy and hopeless feeling at the moment. i'm really frustrated with my feelings about pam and tyler right now. she called me and it was a very brief and unpleasant call. tyler asked to call while i was hiking yesterday, and then never replied when i tried to reconnect after i turned my phone back on, which is beyond frustating. and there is this deep gnawing feeling that the boys wanted to keep me away from their mom when she really needed support, because they felt they knew how to support her better, or just need to keep me at arm's length for whatever reason, and i'm so hurt by it. i understand that family is family and that stuff is hard, but the dismissiveness was intense and it's worse now. and pam said something this morning about feeling bad that she didn't "do anything" for me for christmas, which i mean, the last thing i want her to feel is obligated to me for some reason. so now i just feel like a burden to that entire family, and an annoyance, and a curiosity that they vaguely wish would go away. pam is asking when i'll visit and it's just suddenly absolutely the very last thing i want to do, now. i don't want her to feel bad about how i'm feeling, either. so. i guess i'll just see how i'm feeling in the morning, if i'm still too sick for the drive, i'll stay here.
i gorged on way too much food yesterday after the vaccine, still stress eating. i am so fat omg. it's really hard to care much rn though. it'll get better eventually. food is yummy in the meantime. i'll feel healthy again one day. my feet are torn to shreds from my skates, and i'm so achey and fatigued. i just feel awful. but i'm sure it will pass, eventually. i should not have drunk so much at karissa's on saturday, i feel like such a terrible friend for just drunkenly babbling at her all night. one day i will learn how to stop drinking. i really, really don't like myself when i drink more than a single beverage. i can handle one. one is perfect.
i might have one now. between this headache and joint pain and just such sadness, i can't imagine feeling any worse, and maybe it would help numb it a little bit, i don't know. i ate too much today though, maybe i should just call it good, here. i cooked some really beautiful food at least. lots of veggies. nettle stems with purple onions and broccoli raab and purple collards, carrots and a sprinkle of ground flax seeds and olive oil and shitake mushroom powder. this morning was steel cut oats with raisins, goji berries, pecans, mango, and fresh shredded turmeric and ginger. apples and oranges and vegan cheese for snacks. and the best veggie tacos, beans and tofu and veggies and vegan cheese with miso on almond flour tortillas. all wonderful things. it's okay that i overdid it and snuck some chocolate too lol. i want to eat ten more chocolate bars but i'm not. i want to eat an entire container of vegan whipped cream but i'm not. i want a box of crackers but i'm not. i want rosemary toast with vegan butter. but. i'm. not.
got my orders out. work area is still a wreck and i'm out of clothes if i don't do laundry tomorrow. need to make more video content and i hate my face too much to even think about filming.
can't register for v-safe for the vaccine because it requires a phone app and my phone cannot run any more apps. so tired of everyone doing everything on their phones. i'm the last person that uses a laptop i swear. bc my phone sucks.
read up on the J&J Thrombotic Thrombocytopenia issue and basically as long as I'm not given heparin as a treatment if I get thromboses I'll be fine. There is about a one in a million chance this will happen to me so. Not terribly worried. But there is a small part of me that wants to plan for my sudden death. Like writing down passwords for the husband. We don't have anything jointly, he wouldn't know how to access anything of mine. I should really make a will. Want desperately to clean out the garage for Josh so he doesn't have to deal with it. One day. desk area is so much more important. I lost my earbuds for two hours today. They were just on the floor. With all my other crap that's just on the floor, under my chair. sigh.
wish there was a way to keep my tea warm.
i gorged on way too much food yesterday after the vaccine, still stress eating. i am so fat omg. it's really hard to care much rn though. it'll get better eventually. food is yummy in the meantime. i'll feel healthy again one day. my feet are torn to shreds from my skates, and i'm so achey and fatigued. i just feel awful. but i'm sure it will pass, eventually. i should not have drunk so much at karissa's on saturday, i feel like such a terrible friend for just drunkenly babbling at her all night. one day i will learn how to stop drinking. i really, really don't like myself when i drink more than a single beverage. i can handle one. one is perfect.
i might have one now. between this headache and joint pain and just such sadness, i can't imagine feeling any worse, and maybe it would help numb it a little bit, i don't know. i ate too much today though, maybe i should just call it good, here. i cooked some really beautiful food at least. lots of veggies. nettle stems with purple onions and broccoli raab and purple collards, carrots and a sprinkle of ground flax seeds and olive oil and shitake mushroom powder. this morning was steel cut oats with raisins, goji berries, pecans, mango, and fresh shredded turmeric and ginger. apples and oranges and vegan cheese for snacks. and the best veggie tacos, beans and tofu and veggies and vegan cheese with miso on almond flour tortillas. all wonderful things. it's okay that i overdid it and snuck some chocolate too lol. i want to eat ten more chocolate bars but i'm not. i want to eat an entire container of vegan whipped cream but i'm not. i want a box of crackers but i'm not. i want rosemary toast with vegan butter. but. i'm. not.
got my orders out. work area is still a wreck and i'm out of clothes if i don't do laundry tomorrow. need to make more video content and i hate my face too much to even think about filming.
can't register for v-safe for the vaccine because it requires a phone app and my phone cannot run any more apps. so tired of everyone doing everything on their phones. i'm the last person that uses a laptop i swear. bc my phone sucks.
read up on the J&J Thrombotic Thrombocytopenia issue and basically as long as I'm not given heparin as a treatment if I get thromboses I'll be fine. There is about a one in a million chance this will happen to me so. Not terribly worried. But there is a small part of me that wants to plan for my sudden death. Like writing down passwords for the husband. We don't have anything jointly, he wouldn't know how to access anything of mine. I should really make a will. Want desperately to clean out the garage for Josh so he doesn't have to deal with it. One day. desk area is so much more important. I lost my earbuds for two hours today. They were just on the floor. With all my other crap that's just on the floor, under my chair. sigh.
wish there was a way to keep my tea warm.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-14 08:46 pm (UTC)Srsly. Most people are not back on campus at my work yet, but they are using an app to trace what buildings people entered and when so that if a case of COVID turns up, they have the data to do the necessary contact tracing the county requires. Dandy, but what you are supposed to do is scan a QR code when you enter a building, answer the health questionnaire if you didn't do it in advance on the website, and then it sends you back a "badge". When they were piloting this last summer, several of us said "what about people who don't have suitable phones?" and IT said "yes, it's an equity issue, we'll need to look into it." Apparently they did not come up with any alternative (other than to email your supervisor a list of your whereabouts the old-fashioned way) because my raising of this question again at recent online meetings discussing return-to-campus in spring/summer/fall was met with "well, you really need to have a phone." Yeah? Well then the district is going to have to supply me with one, pal.
"If you can't scan the QR code, just text to the number!" The problem isn't (mostly) sending a text, it's that my ancient Samsung flip phone can't do anything with the response Optimum wants to send. It does not run apps, I cannot visit websites, and besides that today's texts tend to be email-like and contain enough data to span several actual messages as far as my phone is concerned (for which I have to pay 10 cents apiece, yes I know that is the dark ages, but I have a prepaid plan - and I am not pleased by the idea that I should have to pay to enter my building at work!).
"Do you have an iPad you could use instead?" Ah, because obviously someone who doesn't have a modern smartphone will have a pricey tablet, why didn't I think of that. (As it happens I do have an iPad, but 1. Only because it was won in a raffle, or I would still probably be using my 2015 Kindle Fire which has limited internet capabilities; and 2. It's not 4G, so unless I happen to be in wifi range I'm still not going to be able to do the thing you want me to do with it - and I think we all know what wifi coverage is like on campus, cough cough.)
Sorry, rant mode off. I'm just exasperated by this.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-14 09:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-04-14 11:15 pm (UTC)It's not even that I couldn't afford it, really - I just don't want to jump from $10/month to ~$100/month (plus nontrivial device purchase, probably) for the 1 phone call and tiny handful of texts a month that I actually need, so I've refused to do so as long as I have any alternative. (Which is probably not for long since carriers are moving towards dismantling the 3G network my phone can talk to, but that's another issue.) The idea that I would not have a phone at all if I didn't prefer to have it available in case of emergency just leaves people completely nonplussed and they seem to wonder how I can even live like that. ;)
It hasn't come to a head yet because still very few people are on campus and I guess none of them fell in this category, but I'm kind of hoping some people who don't have such a phone because they really can't afford it will surface, and we'll see what they do then.