viking build.
Sep. 1st, 2021 09:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
serafaeryerf, 9:15pm and I'm already pretty much spent. I should be dying my hair for my visit to hood river tomorrow but I just want to crash.
tried to take Lunar to the vet this morning but he was in so much distress when we arrived. I tried to take him in, only to find that the door was locked and I had to instead call and have someone come meet me at the car, because they're still doing the distancing thing. he was completely freaked, and it made me feel like his last visit was too traumatizing for him without me there with him. I know other vets have started letting owners in with their pets, so I realized that i just need to find a new vet clinic for him that will allow this. he is declawed and defenseless, and i get the sense that vets don't treat those cats respectfully. the girl he was assigned to was very young and i didn't even get to meet her, but i didn't get a good feeling from her when i saw her passing him to the vet tech on his way out, at his first visit there. He is too new to me to put him through that and not be able to be in there with him. he knew exactly where he was and wanted nothing to do with that place. when i had taken darwin there, he liked it and was always calm and nonplussed when we went in together. the stress Lunar was enduring was worse than the little cold he has, for sure. so I canceled the appt from the car, that I had made just two hours previous, because i refused to re-traumatize him, and they still are billing me for it. so yeah I'm done with that crappy vet. sigh. they were good for darwin, the whole reason i loved it there was because it was always a calm and pleasant experience and darwin never dreaded a visit, even if they had to do unpleasant things sometimes. but i can't be separated from my cat during exams and then have unnecessary and expensive procedures and medications pushed on him. i don't take myself to the doctor for a cold, i won't do that to him again, unless it's effecting his energy or eating habits and such, which it totally isn't, right now. it's just kinda pitiful when he has little sneezies, and he's a little snotty lol.
...
need to post my daily card reading thing. it's been a fun project but it's starting to become a chore. I really need to make time to do hair and makeup if i'm going to show my face and i don't want to. sigh. i am 46 and feel like i have zero business putting my face on the youtubes. but whatevz. i might be done, it was a fun experiment but i don't think it's worth it, i'm not getting that much from it. maybe once a week would be better.
anyway the vet visit messed up the rest of my day. i did get my run in, and got some cushions for the studio, and a new pair of running shorts from the thrift store. and recorded some really bad card reading videos. but that's all i managed to get done and i feel kinda crappy about it.
i cried a lot, today. stuff kept reminding me of my dad.
i have to remind myself sometimes that even bad days are pretty good, for me. considering everything i've been through and everything i've lost.
we're all fighting hard battles, right now.
i was listening to everyone on the news freak out about kids being back in school, and this one teacher was talking about how school needs to be a rich environment for children with art and music and play and creative outlets so that they can have joy. i never experienced joy in school. it was always a place of fear. i always, always dreaded going and couldn't wait to go home. where there were other things to be afraid of but at least there were also dogs and cats and food and tv. sigh.
i did have one best friend in the first grade, Brian. I played with him at recess every single day. (star wars. we were always luke and leia.) we never saw each other outside of school, i didn't understand how to exchange contact info or whatever. the year i started second grade, he and his identical twin brother steven did not return. i never saw them again and never learned where they went. it was the end of anything for me to look forward to, going to school. after they vanished, i was relentlessly bullied until my mom took me out of school in the 5th grade. from a class i disliked but the teacher himself was actually really good. he was putting me on a better path. he forced me to try classes outside of the required ones, which i was terrified to do, but i was more terrified of not doing what he told us to do, so i tried out for music and got accepted and started to practice, i think i went 3 times and was really starting to enjoy it, but mom yanked me out of school altogether, so i never got to learn any music. she thought she could teach me, because she's a music teacher, but i couldn't learn from her, her teaching style drove me crazy because she was my mom. she tried, i just couldn't tolerate it and didn't know how to persevere, at that age. i desperately wanted to learn, just not the way she was teaching me. but she didn't want to spend money on another teacher when she was perfectly capable of teaching music, so, i didn't get any further instruction.
that teacher died of a heart attack a few weeks after mom took me out of his class. i always worried that his stress over my mom taking me out of his class (he was distraught over it) contributed to his death. he was obese and grumpy, but he was caring, too. he meant well. i think i could have done okay in his class. once the music thing got going and i could have maybe had a chance to build some relationships outside of homeroom.
anyway. not to bemoan my fairly privileged childhood. first world problems. i should be so lucky. i just can't imagine school being a place someone would look forward to going to. i am always amazed and perplexed when children say they enjoy school. that they love seeing their friends. that they have projects to be excited about. if i answered 'yes' to someone asking me if i had a good day at school, all that meant was that it was a day when i didn't get picked on or harassed or hit or teased. the day was just not traumatizing, but no one would actually call my experience "good" walking around trying to dodge pain and suffering, except that i thought that's what i was supposed to say.
i wanted to dance kizomba outdoors masked and distanced tonight for jenna's class, but when the time came i just couldn't shake the fear. my throat hurts just a tiny bit, and part of me is too fearful to see people even with that mild of a symptom, that is probably just from lack of sleep and poor self-care. and also maybe from being double-masked all day long yesterday while working - it was really hard to breathe.
...
maybe i can get up extra early and dye my hair and shower before i go see natasha. i'm supposed to fill out a waiver and i suppose i need her address and/or the aerial studio's address so i know where i'm headed. my grey roots make me look soooooooo much like my mother. who i thought was the most beautiful woman in the world, when she was my age. so i guess that's not so bad. but it makes me uncomfortable.
life is meant to be lived. it's okay to have the ice cream. but man carrying around this extra bulge in my belly is really embarrassing. i want to shrink myself down to a wisp of a thing. but i've never been wispy. at 5'8" with 38" shoulders, i don't think it's possible.
i'm trying to figure out if my desire to be thin is toxic or not. most of it is about how i feel, but there is an aspect of appearance, definitely. and i don't know if it's for me or for other people. i don't even know what i consider attractive anymore.
the homework for the Worthy Project front door thing is really difficult. I am supposed to look at a photo of my front door, study it for clues that show a disregard of true self, and hold this mindset: "What do you love? What do you desire? How would you be represented, here?" Then determine a few small changes that you can make to the door to reinforce the idea that your true self is worth your time, attention, and energy.
It's just kinda funny because here at this apartment complex, we're not allowed to do anything to our front doors. we can't put a welcome mat in the hallway, we can't paint or put a nail in the door to hang something from. I suppose I could hang something from the doorknob? What would that be? I did tuck a tiny orange silk butterfly into the number 57 that is screwed onto the front of the door. That I feel is a very serafaery thing to do. I used this number 57 to finagle spiders at halloween and snowflakes at christmas, but just tiny things because that's all that can really hang from the numbers screwed into the wooden door. But maybe it's telling that this butterfly is a thrifted item, or that I didn't try to do more to express myself here. (Note though that not a single other door in the entire complex has any sort of decoration on it that I've ever seen. Does everyone here hate themselves? I think it's just the rules of the complex.) So, not sure how this front door exercise might help me. The idea is to decorate in a way that reminds you every time you go in and out that your true self is worthy of your time, attention, and energy, but how do I do that? Maybe I can get some sort of doorknob hanging thingie with some cute saying on it about coffee or some such, I dunno.
unfortunately this idea ended up permeating into the rest of the apartment which is why i started frantically adding halloween throw blankets into my ebay cart. i want to make the apartment more cozy and more mine. i don't know. i really should just clean up my desk before i buy anything. maybe the blankets can be a reward for taking steps such as: 1) putting all the receipts into a folder, 2) organizing shipping supplies, 3) going through mail, 4) putting away or finding homes for supplies that are currently homeless (I have no idea where to put camping things like bug spray and jet boil fuel or binoculars, or cleaning supplies like goo gone, or faery costume supplies like face paint more makeup or ears, or fairy lights that need new batteries or hair sparkle samples from other companies, or random trinkets from people that i have no place for. sigh.
the neglect i have for my living space is very telling, i think. these massive pile-ups of messes. this is a covid thing. i've always been a little bit messy in places, but this is out of control and it's everywhere. except the kitchen, but even there i've started to struggle to keep up. i need to prune my closet and dresser and desk dramatically, i know i need to do this in two steps because i'm terrified of getting rid of things i later might realize i want, so i have to box/bag things up and keep them in storage 6 months before actually getting rid of them. but i can do that, i know how, i've done it before, i just need to find the willpower to believe that i am worth the time and energy it takes to create an uncluttered, breathable, attractive environment. i grew up in a messy dirty house, this feels more normal. i feel too overwhelmed by all of it to even start to tackle the issues. i'm so tired just thinking about it. i've been sleeping on the couch just to avoid looking at my closet and dresser.
what do i do with this box of rock climbing shoes that either don't fit or are broken? or the extra moleskin that i need every time i skate or ski or go on a long hike? there is so much crap that has no place to go.
i still never did my foot care or called about my broken skates or the missing urns or the glasses that never showed up or anything. ugh. i make my own stomach hurt with how much i fail at life.
tried to take Lunar to the vet this morning but he was in so much distress when we arrived. I tried to take him in, only to find that the door was locked and I had to instead call and have someone come meet me at the car, because they're still doing the distancing thing. he was completely freaked, and it made me feel like his last visit was too traumatizing for him without me there with him. I know other vets have started letting owners in with their pets, so I realized that i just need to find a new vet clinic for him that will allow this. he is declawed and defenseless, and i get the sense that vets don't treat those cats respectfully. the girl he was assigned to was very young and i didn't even get to meet her, but i didn't get a good feeling from her when i saw her passing him to the vet tech on his way out, at his first visit there. He is too new to me to put him through that and not be able to be in there with him. he knew exactly where he was and wanted nothing to do with that place. when i had taken darwin there, he liked it and was always calm and nonplussed when we went in together. the stress Lunar was enduring was worse than the little cold he has, for sure. so I canceled the appt from the car, that I had made just two hours previous, because i refused to re-traumatize him, and they still are billing me for it. so yeah I'm done with that crappy vet. sigh. they were good for darwin, the whole reason i loved it there was because it was always a calm and pleasant experience and darwin never dreaded a visit, even if they had to do unpleasant things sometimes. but i can't be separated from my cat during exams and then have unnecessary and expensive procedures and medications pushed on him. i don't take myself to the doctor for a cold, i won't do that to him again, unless it's effecting his energy or eating habits and such, which it totally isn't, right now. it's just kinda pitiful when he has little sneezies, and he's a little snotty lol.
...
need to post my daily card reading thing. it's been a fun project but it's starting to become a chore. I really need to make time to do hair and makeup if i'm going to show my face and i don't want to. sigh. i am 46 and feel like i have zero business putting my face on the youtubes. but whatevz. i might be done, it was a fun experiment but i don't think it's worth it, i'm not getting that much from it. maybe once a week would be better.
anyway the vet visit messed up the rest of my day. i did get my run in, and got some cushions for the studio, and a new pair of running shorts from the thrift store. and recorded some really bad card reading videos. but that's all i managed to get done and i feel kinda crappy about it.
i cried a lot, today. stuff kept reminding me of my dad.
i have to remind myself sometimes that even bad days are pretty good, for me. considering everything i've been through and everything i've lost.
we're all fighting hard battles, right now.
i was listening to everyone on the news freak out about kids being back in school, and this one teacher was talking about how school needs to be a rich environment for children with art and music and play and creative outlets so that they can have joy. i never experienced joy in school. it was always a place of fear. i always, always dreaded going and couldn't wait to go home. where there were other things to be afraid of but at least there were also dogs and cats and food and tv. sigh.
i did have one best friend in the first grade, Brian. I played with him at recess every single day. (star wars. we were always luke and leia.) we never saw each other outside of school, i didn't understand how to exchange contact info or whatever. the year i started second grade, he and his identical twin brother steven did not return. i never saw them again and never learned where they went. it was the end of anything for me to look forward to, going to school. after they vanished, i was relentlessly bullied until my mom took me out of school in the 5th grade. from a class i disliked but the teacher himself was actually really good. he was putting me on a better path. he forced me to try classes outside of the required ones, which i was terrified to do, but i was more terrified of not doing what he told us to do, so i tried out for music and got accepted and started to practice, i think i went 3 times and was really starting to enjoy it, but mom yanked me out of school altogether, so i never got to learn any music. she thought she could teach me, because she's a music teacher, but i couldn't learn from her, her teaching style drove me crazy because she was my mom. she tried, i just couldn't tolerate it and didn't know how to persevere, at that age. i desperately wanted to learn, just not the way she was teaching me. but she didn't want to spend money on another teacher when she was perfectly capable of teaching music, so, i didn't get any further instruction.
that teacher died of a heart attack a few weeks after mom took me out of his class. i always worried that his stress over my mom taking me out of his class (he was distraught over it) contributed to his death. he was obese and grumpy, but he was caring, too. he meant well. i think i could have done okay in his class. once the music thing got going and i could have maybe had a chance to build some relationships outside of homeroom.
anyway. not to bemoan my fairly privileged childhood. first world problems. i should be so lucky. i just can't imagine school being a place someone would look forward to going to. i am always amazed and perplexed when children say they enjoy school. that they love seeing their friends. that they have projects to be excited about. if i answered 'yes' to someone asking me if i had a good day at school, all that meant was that it was a day when i didn't get picked on or harassed or hit or teased. the day was just not traumatizing, but no one would actually call my experience "good" walking around trying to dodge pain and suffering, except that i thought that's what i was supposed to say.
i wanted to dance kizomba outdoors masked and distanced tonight for jenna's class, but when the time came i just couldn't shake the fear. my throat hurts just a tiny bit, and part of me is too fearful to see people even with that mild of a symptom, that is probably just from lack of sleep and poor self-care. and also maybe from being double-masked all day long yesterday while working - it was really hard to breathe.
...
maybe i can get up extra early and dye my hair and shower before i go see natasha. i'm supposed to fill out a waiver and i suppose i need her address and/or the aerial studio's address so i know where i'm headed. my grey roots make me look soooooooo much like my mother. who i thought was the most beautiful woman in the world, when she was my age. so i guess that's not so bad. but it makes me uncomfortable.
life is meant to be lived. it's okay to have the ice cream. but man carrying around this extra bulge in my belly is really embarrassing. i want to shrink myself down to a wisp of a thing. but i've never been wispy. at 5'8" with 38" shoulders, i don't think it's possible.
i'm trying to figure out if my desire to be thin is toxic or not. most of it is about how i feel, but there is an aspect of appearance, definitely. and i don't know if it's for me or for other people. i don't even know what i consider attractive anymore.
the homework for the Worthy Project front door thing is really difficult. I am supposed to look at a photo of my front door, study it for clues that show a disregard of true self, and hold this mindset: "What do you love? What do you desire? How would you be represented, here?" Then determine a few small changes that you can make to the door to reinforce the idea that your true self is worth your time, attention, and energy.
It's just kinda funny because here at this apartment complex, we're not allowed to do anything to our front doors. we can't put a welcome mat in the hallway, we can't paint or put a nail in the door to hang something from. I suppose I could hang something from the doorknob? What would that be? I did tuck a tiny orange silk butterfly into the number 57 that is screwed onto the front of the door. That I feel is a very serafaery thing to do. I used this number 57 to finagle spiders at halloween and snowflakes at christmas, but just tiny things because that's all that can really hang from the numbers screwed into the wooden door. But maybe it's telling that this butterfly is a thrifted item, or that I didn't try to do more to express myself here. (Note though that not a single other door in the entire complex has any sort of decoration on it that I've ever seen. Does everyone here hate themselves? I think it's just the rules of the complex.) So, not sure how this front door exercise might help me. The idea is to decorate in a way that reminds you every time you go in and out that your true self is worthy of your time, attention, and energy, but how do I do that? Maybe I can get some sort of doorknob hanging thingie with some cute saying on it about coffee or some such, I dunno.
unfortunately this idea ended up permeating into the rest of the apartment which is why i started frantically adding halloween throw blankets into my ebay cart. i want to make the apartment more cozy and more mine. i don't know. i really should just clean up my desk before i buy anything. maybe the blankets can be a reward for taking steps such as: 1) putting all the receipts into a folder, 2) organizing shipping supplies, 3) going through mail, 4) putting away or finding homes for supplies that are currently homeless (I have no idea where to put camping things like bug spray and jet boil fuel or binoculars, or cleaning supplies like goo gone, or faery costume supplies like face paint more makeup or ears, or fairy lights that need new batteries or hair sparkle samples from other companies, or random trinkets from people that i have no place for. sigh.
the neglect i have for my living space is very telling, i think. these massive pile-ups of messes. this is a covid thing. i've always been a little bit messy in places, but this is out of control and it's everywhere. except the kitchen, but even there i've started to struggle to keep up. i need to prune my closet and dresser and desk dramatically, i know i need to do this in two steps because i'm terrified of getting rid of things i later might realize i want, so i have to box/bag things up and keep them in storage 6 months before actually getting rid of them. but i can do that, i know how, i've done it before, i just need to find the willpower to believe that i am worth the time and energy it takes to create an uncluttered, breathable, attractive environment. i grew up in a messy dirty house, this feels more normal. i feel too overwhelmed by all of it to even start to tackle the issues. i'm so tired just thinking about it. i've been sleeping on the couch just to avoid looking at my closet and dresser.
what do i do with this box of rock climbing shoes that either don't fit or are broken? or the extra moleskin that i need every time i skate or ski or go on a long hike? there is so much crap that has no place to go.
i still never did my foot care or called about my broken skates or the missing urns or the glasses that never showed up or anything. ugh. i make my own stomach hurt with how much i fail at life.
