childhood reflections.
Sep. 30th, 2021 11:16 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
serafaeryPoor Lunar didn't get a walk today, I was working too much this morning and had to rush and was almost late to werk, and when I got home it was pouring rain and never stopped. We'll have walkies tomorrow.
Had 5 candy corns, some chai, and edited my Halloween videos from Freddies and New Seasons. Super happy about it, I'll get them posted tomorrow. My software did try to bork but hopefully it'll export/upload okay. We'll see.
Was thinking more about some of the conversation with Tyler when climbing Dog Mountain yesterday. Somehow we got on the topic of grade school, and I mentioned bullying. He was surprised to hear that I had been bullied. Severely. I don't know, I guess when it happens to you, you assume other people understand that it's a thing kids go through, but when I started to describe my experiences, he was completely shocked. My nose was broken in the first grade. I still remember getting sent to the principal's office for it, as if I had done something wrong for getting sucker punched in the face brutally by some stranger for absolutely no reason. I had blood gushing out of my face. Did we not have a school nurse, or did nobody care? I don't remember. I just remember sitting there wondering why it wasn't the other kid in trouble. I got picked up by my parents and taken home and it was never spoken of again. I don't remember if I even knew who had done it.
my nose still has a giant lump on it. It's why all of my selfies are taken at a certain angle. parents never bothered to get my nose re-set or fix it later. I guess I could have gotten plastic surgery later as an adult if it had bothered me enough, but I had no money as a young adult. Or a middle aged adult for that matter. I dunno, whatever. That was not the worst of my bullying experiences. I barely scratched the surface describing my ordeals and Tyler was so put off I felt like I needed to back off. I have buried a lot of those memories, and they were starting to trickle back as we walked silently for a while. The time I was standing by the track and a kid who was running punched me in the belly as he ran past so hard I collapsed. The incessant teasing. I remember being in a hallway waiting for the door to the classroom to open, and some "popular" kid pointing out my bony wrists, and bony everything, and the entire hall was staring at me and gawking and laughing and pointing out other weirdnesses about my joints. My joints were fucked up, turns out - I do have mild hypermobility in several of my joints and I had hip dysplasia (I was also relentlessly teased about my pigeon toes, to the point that I taught myself to walk in a way that disguised it). but I didn't know that, then, I thought it was just senseless cruelty because they just were senselessly cruel.
I had poor kid clothes and poor kid hair and got publicly called out about it regularly.
Tyler said nobody ever said anything mean to him until about the sixth grade, when someone told him he sucked at basketball and he was so devastated and shocked he almost started to cry.
Can you imagine never being bullied until age 12?
That wasn't even bullying! It was just a random insult. can you imagine NEVER being bullied??!!?!?!? ugh. jealous.
I got beat to a pulp by a little black girl in the hall in between classes at age 8. I got scratched and got my hair pulled by girls all the time, and constantly, constantly insulted. The girls were the worst. I got hit by balls, excluded from everything, told things like "you're hair is too stupid" when I tried to join groups, insulted for not playing games right in gym, when I avoided passing or engaging with the sport because I didn't want to offend anyone by taking their ball or whatever, it was awful. so, so awful.
My mom was kind of a bully, too. And was entirely unhelpful with my issues. She would just say, "what they think doesn't matter," I remember her getting SO MAD at me when she found out that I stopped letting her put my hair in a half pony because someone called it stupid. But, the advice of, "what other people think doesn't matter" just is not true to a seven year old trying to survive groups of other seven year olds all day long. Not caring what others think is not a part of group survival as children, and it's not a coping mechanism for a seven year old being bullied in school. It was disempowering and belittling and dismissive of my experience and my pain.
I am always shocked at the confidence and joy in the children I sparkle. They love school, their friends there, they look forward to it, they go on and on about all the good things that happen at school when they are little, how much fun they have learning new things, playing games, singing songs, this is like age 7 or 8. I can't imagine feeling anything but nausea and paralyzing fear over going to school at that age. I pretended to be sick so much to get out of school that I literally made myself ill, frequently. I thought everyone hated school. It's weird to realize maybe I was the odd one out.
I had no friends in school after first grade, when I lost Brian. (He just didn't come back, one year.)
I remember telling my ice skating coach about my mom taking me out of school at age ten, and how I thought I would have become a very different person if I had continued to go. I thought middle school would have turned me into a very bitter, angry person. I was much happier not going, even though I felt I was missing out on socialization and education. (My friend Stephanie told me about outdoor school, and taught me some of the songs, and told me all about her adventures and how fun the counselors were to be around. I was sick at the thought of being away from home for an entire week, at the mercy of strange children my age with only teenagers to turn to for help, god no.) I remember my coach weeping listening to me describe this to her, this feeling that i was developing better by not being in such a toxic, scary, painful environment. I wasn't sure if she was weeping because she was relieved that I didn't have to go through that torture, or if she was sad for another reason? Maybe she was just sad for me that school was such a horrific ordeal, when her experience had been so different. She had been a rose festival princess, after all.
I miss her so much. She died in 2005. I was looking at photos of her recently. ugh, my heart.
she stood up for me. she taught me so much. she helped me become a better person. I owe her so much of who I am.
I wasn't bullied in high school. even though I probably deserved it. kids at lincoln were nice to me.
I was still afraid of people and didn't keep those high school friends, and never made any friends in collage, either.
I'm still afraid of people.
I mused to Tyler, that I don't know if the bullying made me so shy and afraid, or if my shyness and fearfulness caused the bullying. I don't know how much it changed me as a person, or if it was just my default personality that caused it. I guess I'll never know.
(having been sexually abused by an adult at age 8 did not help any of this, of course. of course.)
things are better, now. but i have this overhanging fear all of the time, this unrelenting feeling of inadequacy, and this feeling of stumbling through life, completely blind and unaware of so much that could help me navigate, if i could only see, or understand, what i was missing. it feels like i'm missing 90% of the world, all of the time, and i don't know how to fix it. tyler feeds me little spoonfuls of help, little crumbs. here's a way that could be better, he gently reveals. these little crumbs of guidance have changed my life more than any other influence. i can't imagine what it must be like to be so functional.
trying, i'm trying to be better. trying to figure this out. it's all i can do.
tired of feeling so helpless and useless.
Had 5 candy corns, some chai, and edited my Halloween videos from Freddies and New Seasons. Super happy about it, I'll get them posted tomorrow. My software did try to bork but hopefully it'll export/upload okay. We'll see.
Was thinking more about some of the conversation with Tyler when climbing Dog Mountain yesterday. Somehow we got on the topic of grade school, and I mentioned bullying. He was surprised to hear that I had been bullied. Severely. I don't know, I guess when it happens to you, you assume other people understand that it's a thing kids go through, but when I started to describe my experiences, he was completely shocked. My nose was broken in the first grade. I still remember getting sent to the principal's office for it, as if I had done something wrong for getting sucker punched in the face brutally by some stranger for absolutely no reason. I had blood gushing out of my face. Did we not have a school nurse, or did nobody care? I don't remember. I just remember sitting there wondering why it wasn't the other kid in trouble. I got picked up by my parents and taken home and it was never spoken of again. I don't remember if I even knew who had done it.
my nose still has a giant lump on it. It's why all of my selfies are taken at a certain angle. parents never bothered to get my nose re-set or fix it later. I guess I could have gotten plastic surgery later as an adult if it had bothered me enough, but I had no money as a young adult. Or a middle aged adult for that matter. I dunno, whatever. That was not the worst of my bullying experiences. I barely scratched the surface describing my ordeals and Tyler was so put off I felt like I needed to back off. I have buried a lot of those memories, and they were starting to trickle back as we walked silently for a while. The time I was standing by the track and a kid who was running punched me in the belly as he ran past so hard I collapsed. The incessant teasing. I remember being in a hallway waiting for the door to the classroom to open, and some "popular" kid pointing out my bony wrists, and bony everything, and the entire hall was staring at me and gawking and laughing and pointing out other weirdnesses about my joints. My joints were fucked up, turns out - I do have mild hypermobility in several of my joints and I had hip dysplasia (I was also relentlessly teased about my pigeon toes, to the point that I taught myself to walk in a way that disguised it). but I didn't know that, then, I thought it was just senseless cruelty because they just were senselessly cruel.
I had poor kid clothes and poor kid hair and got publicly called out about it regularly.
Tyler said nobody ever said anything mean to him until about the sixth grade, when someone told him he sucked at basketball and he was so devastated and shocked he almost started to cry.
Can you imagine never being bullied until age 12?
That wasn't even bullying! It was just a random insult. can you imagine NEVER being bullied??!!?!?!? ugh. jealous.
I got beat to a pulp by a little black girl in the hall in between classes at age 8. I got scratched and got my hair pulled by girls all the time, and constantly, constantly insulted. The girls were the worst. I got hit by balls, excluded from everything, told things like "you're hair is too stupid" when I tried to join groups, insulted for not playing games right in gym, when I avoided passing or engaging with the sport because I didn't want to offend anyone by taking their ball or whatever, it was awful. so, so awful.
My mom was kind of a bully, too. And was entirely unhelpful with my issues. She would just say, "what they think doesn't matter," I remember her getting SO MAD at me when she found out that I stopped letting her put my hair in a half pony because someone called it stupid. But, the advice of, "what other people think doesn't matter" just is not true to a seven year old trying to survive groups of other seven year olds all day long. Not caring what others think is not a part of group survival as children, and it's not a coping mechanism for a seven year old being bullied in school. It was disempowering and belittling and dismissive of my experience and my pain.
I am always shocked at the confidence and joy in the children I sparkle. They love school, their friends there, they look forward to it, they go on and on about all the good things that happen at school when they are little, how much fun they have learning new things, playing games, singing songs, this is like age 7 or 8. I can't imagine feeling anything but nausea and paralyzing fear over going to school at that age. I pretended to be sick so much to get out of school that I literally made myself ill, frequently. I thought everyone hated school. It's weird to realize maybe I was the odd one out.
I had no friends in school after first grade, when I lost Brian. (He just didn't come back, one year.)
I remember telling my ice skating coach about my mom taking me out of school at age ten, and how I thought I would have become a very different person if I had continued to go. I thought middle school would have turned me into a very bitter, angry person. I was much happier not going, even though I felt I was missing out on socialization and education. (My friend Stephanie told me about outdoor school, and taught me some of the songs, and told me all about her adventures and how fun the counselors were to be around. I was sick at the thought of being away from home for an entire week, at the mercy of strange children my age with only teenagers to turn to for help, god no.) I remember my coach weeping listening to me describe this to her, this feeling that i was developing better by not being in such a toxic, scary, painful environment. I wasn't sure if she was weeping because she was relieved that I didn't have to go through that torture, or if she was sad for another reason? Maybe she was just sad for me that school was such a horrific ordeal, when her experience had been so different. She had been a rose festival princess, after all.
I miss her so much. She died in 2005. I was looking at photos of her recently. ugh, my heart.
she stood up for me. she taught me so much. she helped me become a better person. I owe her so much of who I am.
I wasn't bullied in high school. even though I probably deserved it. kids at lincoln were nice to me.
I was still afraid of people and didn't keep those high school friends, and never made any friends in collage, either.
I'm still afraid of people.
I mused to Tyler, that I don't know if the bullying made me so shy and afraid, or if my shyness and fearfulness caused the bullying. I don't know how much it changed me as a person, or if it was just my default personality that caused it. I guess I'll never know.
(having been sexually abused by an adult at age 8 did not help any of this, of course. of course.)
things are better, now. but i have this overhanging fear all of the time, this unrelenting feeling of inadequacy, and this feeling of stumbling through life, completely blind and unaware of so much that could help me navigate, if i could only see, or understand, what i was missing. it feels like i'm missing 90% of the world, all of the time, and i don't know how to fix it. tyler feeds me little spoonfuls of help, little crumbs. here's a way that could be better, he gently reveals. these little crumbs of guidance have changed my life more than any other influence. i can't imagine what it must be like to be so functional.
trying, i'm trying to be better. trying to figure this out. it's all i can do.
tired of feeling so helpless and useless.
no subject
Date: 2021-10-04 08:11 pm (UTC)Srsly. I think I was kinda perceived as a "weird" kid in kindergarten and first grade, but people mostly left me alone so far as I remember. It was after I skipped second grade and was in third grade at only age 7 that it really started. By sixth grade (age 10) I was so fed up I threatened to bring a knife to school and of course having made the threat I had to make good on it because the alternative would be worse, so I picked the largest one out of the block in the kitchen one morning. Got suspended for that as you might imagine. (We had already had a trip to Disneyland planned for that weekend, since my mother was in some bowling tournament down in SoCal, and went anyway soooo that was kinda weird lol.) Had to go to therapy afterwards, I guess so they could assess if I was really turning into a problem. From my perspective it worked, though - the kids I went forward with into 7th grade apparently remembered it because they didn't bully me anymore.
no subject
Date: 2021-10-05 01:59 am (UTC)