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serafaerySuch a gorgeous, busy, productive, fun day. I worked a party, my first kid's birthday party since covid, in my favorite childhood park, it was supposed to rain but it stayed dry for us and the girls were the most magical, sweet, well behaved, charming group of 7 year olds i've ever encountered. Also one boy and they gave me toadstool cupcakes! The girls loved my sparkly fairy attire and my sparkly mask and were so kind and curious and relaxed and just great. the parents were calm and attentive and accommodating and sweet. I danced thriller in the park (alan-itsyk ran class, today), had tasty vegan brunch with my husband (got a bonus vegan pumpkin spicy latte out of it) and happy hour with a friend, ran errands and got other work done. This after dinner with Tyler and Josh last night, in which i made pizza from scratch after a full day yesterday. October is so blissfully distracting. Every time I start to think about my mom's death, or my recent loss of skating or my reconstructed hip or my long deceased father or my childhood suffering being bullied or sex abuse or whatever else, all the other ordeals I've been through and somehow survived, I just redirect to the cat or the rainbow colors in the falling leaves or the way sunshine and rain mingle together or how magical mushrooms can be or I do a Thriller run through or exhaust myself hiking or I just look down at my pumpkin socks or drown myself in a pumpkin spice latte or I bake a pie or i watch What We Do in the Shadows and laugh or i throw myself into hours and hours of sparkling work and I'm fine. Maybe life is just about finding ways to ignore or distract from the painful bits. Of which there are so many. so many.
I wanted to reflect on the fact that twice this week, i bought products from people that i did not want, because i wanted to be supportive of the people who were making/selling them. the first one was not so bad, pickles from someone whose pickles i don't enjoy, but the second one i got full on grifted. there were no prices and she offered and handed me the product which i was interested in just because of the cute name on the label, and thought would be a normal price, but then she announced that i owed her well over twice what i'd ever seen such a product priced at before, and in the moment, in that feeling of "but i want to support this underserved demographic of my community," I just didn't know how to say no, i felt trapped, already holding the item, and handed over the cash for a thing that even at a regular price i didn't really want and definitely didn't need. so, i need to make sure that from now on, i do not buy products that i don't want, even if i respect the work the people are doing who are offering them. i need to stop doing that. I can feel upset but is it right to blame the person for what felt to me like over charging in a sneaky way, or should I blame myself for not having the self respect to stop and say,
"oh, I'm sorry, I won't pay that much, I apologise for assuming it would cost something different." I think that inability to prioritize my own well being is the problem, not the seller's method. Regardless, I hate the thing i bought and don't want to look at it, i need to give it away but to who. anybody want a fairly okay smelling small soy candle? lol.
There was something so exquisitely painful in the emotional turmoil of the 5th episode of Sense8, that finley and i watched together on thursday, that highlighted for me this aspect of reality that i have been acutely struggling with since covid. when covid hit, all of the things i had been doing to try to avoid having any plastic waste in my life completely went to shit. i had to order things online which all come wrapped in plastic. i had to buy bulk food items pre-wrapped in plastic. i had to use plastic gloves. i suddenly started generating twice as much waste as before. i've since been able to reduce that by quite a bit, but it hasn't gone back to pre-pandemic levels. at some point i just decided i have to pick my own battles. i'm tired of dealing with spilling soap in my grocery bag because the bulk container leaked, or going without olive oil because i forgot my glass jar AGAIN, and just got in the habit of buying containers. i also bike less and drive more (although I still bike often), because my city's police literally announced that they are no longer enforcing traffic infractions and between the chaotic, lawless driving, and the transient camps set up in the bike lanes, the massive amount of garbage and glass in the bike lanes, the streets have become way too hazardous for biking regularly, along many of the routes I used to take. I got 2 flats this summer before finally replacing my tire with a high end puncture proof one, something that should just be standard issue in Portland at this point. I was biking across the burnside bridge last weekend after going to the farmers market and courier, and was dodging a transient who had wandered out into the bike lane, dragging his sleeping bag that was half draped over him like a blanket, and I literally hit a glass booze bottle straight on and shattered it with my front tire. I thought for sure my new tire was toast but it held and I somehow magically did not get a flat. so it's really good I got that puncture proof one. sigh.
anyway, at some point during the show i was noticing how most of the characters had to do crime in order to get buy or survive, or do some sort of harmful activity in order to thrive, and it made me think about all the little ways my existence causes harm to the world. fossil fuels being burnt every time i turn on a light or a computer, charge my phone. which has parts mined from distant parts of the world that causes pollution, exploits workers, and burns more fossil fuels to ship to wherever the computer or phone was manufactured. every time i buy a new piece of clothing, which if synthetic is plastic pollution with probably toxic dyes and other processes; if cotton, then glysophate soaked and again an exploitative industry - i do buy organic cotton when I can but it's rarely available for clothing - i have a few shirts, socks, and a set of sheets that are organic cotton. i get tense when i buy synthetic or paraffin candles instead of beeswax or soy, but all of those things cause some amount of damage to some environment or other or the poor bees, sigh. makeup, it's vegan and hemp but still full of who knows what in terms of coloring, dishes, everything i own basically is harmful. every time i get into my car i'm causing harm to the earth. every time i get a latte even if it's organic fair trade shade grown bird friendly coffee (which i can only find in the green beans that i roast myself), the shipping is wasteful, sigh. I do use my own mugs for coffee orders, to the point that if it's a piace that doesn't allow personal cups, I won't buy coffee, if a to-go cup is the only option. but then there's the almond milk in the box that gets thrown away, or the creamer in the non-recyclable packaging. erg. I was doing only canned coconut milk for creamer at home for the longest time, because tin is the most easily recyclable material, but during pandemic switched back to dairy creamer after learning that the type of fat in grassfed milk is actually healthier for us than coconut fat. (and it tastes so much better.) but poor cows. and again all the shipping.
i still thrift most of my clothing and halloween decorations and stuff like that, i've yet to buy any furniture that wasn't used, but i'm worse than i was before about buying new things and it's so easy to fall into a habit of convenience. but then i feel like, why can i only thrive and feel comfort when it's at the expense of others or my environment? ugh, so frustrating. it seems like human life just simply means causing harm and doing damage with every step, every breath, every moment of our existence. but in a weird, bittersweet way, it does make death seem a little bit more gentle - at least when i am dead, i can do no more harm.
sad.
and this was one of my more happy, lighthearted weeks, ha! lookit me, so positive.
i've just been really grateful for everything. and high af from spending such quality time with finley, and tyler. Tyler let me snuggle him last night and poked at my muscles and suggested i eat more - i've managed to at least maintain and not gain anymore weight (not counting today's binge on brunch, birthday cupcakes, fun size candies, and french fries and beer at hh, oops lol). Josh and I had some words about my needs and I realized that as always, most of the problem is that I just don't communicate what I want and stand up for myself. If I demand what I need, I will get it - I just have to ask. He won't magically know what to do without instruction, but with instruction, he's the world's most perfect husband.
i'm in a shitton of pain, tonight. scared of silks tomorrow. but i will try to do some stretching and work it out a bit.
have been really lazy this week, physically. i got a ton of things done, professionally and socially, but I ignored my body and did not go hiking, kind of ignored my brain a lot, too. not much nurturing in terms of learning new things. i need to pick spanish back up, and try out one of those history lectures tyler suggested so kindly. or read my grandmother's book.
mom's ashes are finally ready to pick up. i feel like our order just got lost or forgotten. but they arrived, finally. i will get them tomorrow. i have silks class, tomorrow, and i want to take a walk around trillium lake and visit the birbs, even though it will be cold and snowy on the mountain. i want to scout it out for a possible photo shoot.
maybe a run in the morning to wake myself up. laundry definitely needs to happen (I'm wearing christmas underwear today lol).
but with the emotional heaviness of picking up my mother's ashes, tomorrow, i will not expect much of myself, tomorrow, or this week at all, really.
I wanted to reflect on the fact that twice this week, i bought products from people that i did not want, because i wanted to be supportive of the people who were making/selling them. the first one was not so bad, pickles from someone whose pickles i don't enjoy, but the second one i got full on grifted. there were no prices and she offered and handed me the product which i was interested in just because of the cute name on the label, and thought would be a normal price, but then she announced that i owed her well over twice what i'd ever seen such a product priced at before, and in the moment, in that feeling of "but i want to support this underserved demographic of my community," I just didn't know how to say no, i felt trapped, already holding the item, and handed over the cash for a thing that even at a regular price i didn't really want and definitely didn't need. so, i need to make sure that from now on, i do not buy products that i don't want, even if i respect the work the people are doing who are offering them. i need to stop doing that. I can feel upset but is it right to blame the person for what felt to me like over charging in a sneaky way, or should I blame myself for not having the self respect to stop and say,
"oh, I'm sorry, I won't pay that much, I apologise for assuming it would cost something different." I think that inability to prioritize my own well being is the problem, not the seller's method. Regardless, I hate the thing i bought and don't want to look at it, i need to give it away but to who. anybody want a fairly okay smelling small soy candle? lol.
There was something so exquisitely painful in the emotional turmoil of the 5th episode of Sense8, that finley and i watched together on thursday, that highlighted for me this aspect of reality that i have been acutely struggling with since covid. when covid hit, all of the things i had been doing to try to avoid having any plastic waste in my life completely went to shit. i had to order things online which all come wrapped in plastic. i had to buy bulk food items pre-wrapped in plastic. i had to use plastic gloves. i suddenly started generating twice as much waste as before. i've since been able to reduce that by quite a bit, but it hasn't gone back to pre-pandemic levels. at some point i just decided i have to pick my own battles. i'm tired of dealing with spilling soap in my grocery bag because the bulk container leaked, or going without olive oil because i forgot my glass jar AGAIN, and just got in the habit of buying containers. i also bike less and drive more (although I still bike often), because my city's police literally announced that they are no longer enforcing traffic infractions and between the chaotic, lawless driving, and the transient camps set up in the bike lanes, the massive amount of garbage and glass in the bike lanes, the streets have become way too hazardous for biking regularly, along many of the routes I used to take. I got 2 flats this summer before finally replacing my tire with a high end puncture proof one, something that should just be standard issue in Portland at this point. I was biking across the burnside bridge last weekend after going to the farmers market and courier, and was dodging a transient who had wandered out into the bike lane, dragging his sleeping bag that was half draped over him like a blanket, and I literally hit a glass booze bottle straight on and shattered it with my front tire. I thought for sure my new tire was toast but it held and I somehow magically did not get a flat. so it's really good I got that puncture proof one. sigh.
anyway, at some point during the show i was noticing how most of the characters had to do crime in order to get buy or survive, or do some sort of harmful activity in order to thrive, and it made me think about all the little ways my existence causes harm to the world. fossil fuels being burnt every time i turn on a light or a computer, charge my phone. which has parts mined from distant parts of the world that causes pollution, exploits workers, and burns more fossil fuels to ship to wherever the computer or phone was manufactured. every time i buy a new piece of clothing, which if synthetic is plastic pollution with probably toxic dyes and other processes; if cotton, then glysophate soaked and again an exploitative industry - i do buy organic cotton when I can but it's rarely available for clothing - i have a few shirts, socks, and a set of sheets that are organic cotton. i get tense when i buy synthetic or paraffin candles instead of beeswax or soy, but all of those things cause some amount of damage to some environment or other or the poor bees, sigh. makeup, it's vegan and hemp but still full of who knows what in terms of coloring, dishes, everything i own basically is harmful. every time i get into my car i'm causing harm to the earth. every time i get a latte even if it's organic fair trade shade grown bird friendly coffee (which i can only find in the green beans that i roast myself), the shipping is wasteful, sigh. I do use my own mugs for coffee orders, to the point that if it's a piace that doesn't allow personal cups, I won't buy coffee, if a to-go cup is the only option. but then there's the almond milk in the box that gets thrown away, or the creamer in the non-recyclable packaging. erg. I was doing only canned coconut milk for creamer at home for the longest time, because tin is the most easily recyclable material, but during pandemic switched back to dairy creamer after learning that the type of fat in grassfed milk is actually healthier for us than coconut fat. (and it tastes so much better.) but poor cows. and again all the shipping.
i still thrift most of my clothing and halloween decorations and stuff like that, i've yet to buy any furniture that wasn't used, but i'm worse than i was before about buying new things and it's so easy to fall into a habit of convenience. but then i feel like, why can i only thrive and feel comfort when it's at the expense of others or my environment? ugh, so frustrating. it seems like human life just simply means causing harm and doing damage with every step, every breath, every moment of our existence. but in a weird, bittersweet way, it does make death seem a little bit more gentle - at least when i am dead, i can do no more harm.
sad.
and this was one of my more happy, lighthearted weeks, ha! lookit me, so positive.
i've just been really grateful for everything. and high af from spending such quality time with finley, and tyler. Tyler let me snuggle him last night and poked at my muscles and suggested i eat more - i've managed to at least maintain and not gain anymore weight (not counting today's binge on brunch, birthday cupcakes, fun size candies, and french fries and beer at hh, oops lol). Josh and I had some words about my needs and I realized that as always, most of the problem is that I just don't communicate what I want and stand up for myself. If I demand what I need, I will get it - I just have to ask. He won't magically know what to do without instruction, but with instruction, he's the world's most perfect husband.
i'm in a shitton of pain, tonight. scared of silks tomorrow. but i will try to do some stretching and work it out a bit.
have been really lazy this week, physically. i got a ton of things done, professionally and socially, but I ignored my body and did not go hiking, kind of ignored my brain a lot, too. not much nurturing in terms of learning new things. i need to pick spanish back up, and try out one of those history lectures tyler suggested so kindly. or read my grandmother's book.
mom's ashes are finally ready to pick up. i feel like our order just got lost or forgotten. but they arrived, finally. i will get them tomorrow. i have silks class, tomorrow, and i want to take a walk around trillium lake and visit the birbs, even though it will be cold and snowy on the mountain. i want to scout it out for a possible photo shoot.
maybe a run in the morning to wake myself up. laundry definitely needs to happen (I'm wearing christmas underwear today lol).
but with the emotional heaviness of picking up my mother's ashes, tomorrow, i will not expect much of myself, tomorrow, or this week at all, really.
no subject
Date: 2021-10-12 12:06 am (UTC)