holiday stressors.
Dec. 13th, 2021 10:11 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
serafaeryMonday, day off, time to do some self-care and get moving.
A bit hungover but not too terrible. I'm really grateful to Karissa for listening to me last night, even if it didn't accomplish anything.
Josh and I are not in a good place, but it's better than it was. we agreed to give each other a break for a month and just get through the holidays. We are moving this weekend, and Josh starts his new job Monday, his last day at his current job is tomorrow. It's all just really terrible timing. The emotional trauma of losing my mom is becoming unbearable. I find myself holding my face in my hands a lot. Just paralyzed. At my desk, or in my car.
I've seen elderly people sitting outside, also holding their faces in their hands. The loss, the grief, the trauma, the sadness, the fear. The loss of loved ones and the comfort and joy we used to share over the holidays and how it has morphed into mourning and pain. It's all just too much for us.
I desperately want to stop eating, and I did for a day, but this morning and last night i've forced myself to eat healthy things, and a decent amount of food. Depression leads to starvation in this body and it's not healthy. I am actively trying to make healthy choices, despite all the stress.
Things with Finley have me on edge. I might need to step back from him for a bit, as much as I don't want to. I hope I can see him at least one more time before the holiday. Even if only briefly.
...
Tyler called me this morning. That was really nice. We will ski this week together, hopefully. Josh wants to go maybe Thursday.
But for today, I want to....
* do morning chores
* morning workout stuff
* change and put away some laundry
* meditate
* run 3 miles, on the track of necessary
* pick up u-haul boxes
* bank deposit and buy quarters for laundry machines
* xmas cards, start writing and sending
* put up tree
* clean up desk area
* bake pie and cookies
* start slowly packing the stuff that I can.
A bit hungover but not too terrible. I'm really grateful to Karissa for listening to me last night, even if it didn't accomplish anything.
Josh and I are not in a good place, but it's better than it was. we agreed to give each other a break for a month and just get through the holidays. We are moving this weekend, and Josh starts his new job Monday, his last day at his current job is tomorrow. It's all just really terrible timing. The emotional trauma of losing my mom is becoming unbearable. I find myself holding my face in my hands a lot. Just paralyzed. At my desk, or in my car.
I've seen elderly people sitting outside, also holding their faces in their hands. The loss, the grief, the trauma, the sadness, the fear. The loss of loved ones and the comfort and joy we used to share over the holidays and how it has morphed into mourning and pain. It's all just too much for us.
I desperately want to stop eating, and I did for a day, but this morning and last night i've forced myself to eat healthy things, and a decent amount of food. Depression leads to starvation in this body and it's not healthy. I am actively trying to make healthy choices, despite all the stress.
Things with Finley have me on edge. I might need to step back from him for a bit, as much as I don't want to. I hope I can see him at least one more time before the holiday. Even if only briefly.
...
Tyler called me this morning. That was really nice. We will ski this week together, hopefully. Josh wants to go maybe Thursday.
But for today, I want to....
* do morning chores
* morning workout stuff
* change and put away some laundry
* meditate
* run 3 miles, on the track of necessary
* pick up u-haul boxes
* bank deposit and buy quarters for laundry machines
* xmas cards, start writing and sending
* put up tree
* clean up desk area
* bake pie and cookies
* start slowly packing the stuff that I can.
