holiday stressors.
Dec. 13th, 2021 10:11 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
serafaeryMonday, day off, time to do some self-care and get moving.
A bit hungover but not too terrible. I'm really grateful to Karissa for listening to me last night, even if it didn't accomplish anything.
Josh and I are not in a good place, but it's better than it was. we agreed to give each other a break for a month and just get through the holidays. We are moving this weekend, and Josh starts his new job Monday, his last day at his current job is tomorrow. It's all just really terrible timing. The emotional trauma of losing my mom is becoming unbearable. I find myself holding my face in my hands a lot. Just paralyzed. At my desk, or in my car.
I've seen elderly people sitting outside, also holding their faces in their hands. The loss, the grief, the trauma, the sadness, the fear. The loss of loved ones and the comfort and joy we used to share over the holidays and how it has morphed into mourning and pain. It's all just too much for us.
I desperately want to stop eating, and I did for a day, but this morning and last night i've forced myself to eat healthy things, and a decent amount of food. Depression leads to starvation in this body and it's not healthy. I am actively trying to make healthy choices, despite all the stress.
Things with Finley have me on edge. I might need to step back from him for a bit, as much as I don't want to. I hope I can see him at least one more time before the holiday. Even if only briefly.
...
Tyler called me this morning. That was really nice. We will ski this week together, hopefully. Josh wants to go maybe Thursday.
But for today, I want to....
* do morning chores
* morning workout stuff
* change and put away some laundry
* meditate
* run 3 miles, on the track of necessary
* pick up u-haul boxes
* bank deposit and buy quarters for laundry machines
* xmas cards, start writing and sending
* put up tree
* clean up desk area
* bake pie and cookies
* start slowly packing the stuff that I can.
A bit hungover but not too terrible. I'm really grateful to Karissa for listening to me last night, even if it didn't accomplish anything.
Josh and I are not in a good place, but it's better than it was. we agreed to give each other a break for a month and just get through the holidays. We are moving this weekend, and Josh starts his new job Monday, his last day at his current job is tomorrow. It's all just really terrible timing. The emotional trauma of losing my mom is becoming unbearable. I find myself holding my face in my hands a lot. Just paralyzed. At my desk, or in my car.
I've seen elderly people sitting outside, also holding their faces in their hands. The loss, the grief, the trauma, the sadness, the fear. The loss of loved ones and the comfort and joy we used to share over the holidays and how it has morphed into mourning and pain. It's all just too much for us.
I desperately want to stop eating, and I did for a day, but this morning and last night i've forced myself to eat healthy things, and a decent amount of food. Depression leads to starvation in this body and it's not healthy. I am actively trying to make healthy choices, despite all the stress.
Things with Finley have me on edge. I might need to step back from him for a bit, as much as I don't want to. I hope I can see him at least one more time before the holiday. Even if only briefly.
...
Tyler called me this morning. That was really nice. We will ski this week together, hopefully. Josh wants to go maybe Thursday.
But for today, I want to....
* do morning chores
* morning workout stuff
* change and put away some laundry
* meditate
* run 3 miles, on the track of necessary
* pick up u-haul boxes
* bank deposit and buy quarters for laundry machines
* xmas cards, start writing and sending
* put up tree
* clean up desk area
* bake pie and cookies
* start slowly packing the stuff that I can.
no subject
Date: 2021-12-13 06:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-12-13 06:51 pm (UTC)Sometimes strength comes from allowing yourself weakness and the room to hurt. I know this must seem hokey but there's an old Amy Grant song "How can we see that far" which has immeasurable wisdom in its lines.
"We might die
We might live
We could hurt each other badly
Do things, things so hard to forgive
Ooh, and if time is not our friend
Your mind might forget me before the end
And oh, I cannot
I cannot look that far
But like your daddy said
The same sun that melts the wax can harden clay (how can we see that far?)
And the same rain that drowns the rat will grow the hay
And the mighty wind that knocks us down
If we lean into it
Will drive our fears away"
I'm wishing the best for you.
no subject
Date: 2021-12-13 09:37 pm (UTC)