wee hours yesterday morning.
Dec. 16th, 2021 10:38 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
serafaeryOh I forgot to mention the MRI. It was so not a big deal that I kinda spaced it. It turned out to only be 20 minutes so being stuck in the waiting room for half an hour was worse than the actual scan.
I had worked really hard in the rock gym with josh the night before in an attempt to get my shoulder in the most inflamed state possible, since in my experience with my hip, 20 years ago, the mri showed inflammation but not a tear in my labrum (it's possible my shoulder also has a torn or inflamed labrum, who knows).
the contraption they wrapped around my shoulder didn't hurt.
It was a little weird being shoved in a tube but once I relaxed into it, it was almost soothing.
I had to get up really early though, and be at the hospital for a long time, and I had to reward myself when I left with my first peppermint mocha in years, since it's so rare that I will actually go to get scans like this done.
Because Josh is changing jobs, we lose health insurance at the end of the month, so I won't be able to do anything with the info from the scan until February anyway, when his new benefits kick in, whatever those will be (we don't know yet).
It's really funny how different my reaction to my shoulder pain is when I intentionally hurt it. I did everything I could in the gym to mess up my shoulder and it definitely worked, I'm in a lot of pain now, but I'm just amused by it, instead of upset? It's not upsetting me in the slightest, mood-wise. It's really funny how different my psychological reaction to this is, I need to make note of this and figure out how to tap into it for the future.
I have a sneaking suspicion that the scan will reveal nothing and I will just be stuck with a messed up shoulder for the rest of my life. So be it. I will have to find a way to cope.
It was weird in the waiting room. I watched these really cool fish in a fish tank for 20 minutes. Their bodies are like little shimmery flowers. There was one that propelled using its vertical top and bottom fin, like a sun fish, and it was purple and blue with a stunningly pretty purple crescent moon for a tail. And a little puffer fish, and a couple of shiny stripy things. I looked around the waiting room, and every single other person in there, even the nurses, were staring at their phones.
...
I went to Tiny's, a local cafe, for my peppermint mocha, after my scan, and they recently started allowing people to sit inside again. The place was PACKED. We are all so desperate for this. The poor barista is usually so bored on Wednesday mornings that she sits and reads, and it took her 15 minutes to get to my mocha. I didn't care, I was just happy to be done, and the coconut milk half sweet peppermint mocha as the best thing that had ever happened to me.
...
I am dealing with the fact that I want to connect with my step-niece and step-nephew (I don't call them that, but they are not blood relatives) differently, and that the reason for this is because I've accepted the fact that I am going to die before they do, and we will probably know each other for the rest of my life, and i just kinda want to foster that connection. I'm not sure what to do with this feeling, it's awkward and embarrassing and I don't think they will mind, but they will be confused by my sudden interest in their lives, I think. I guess I'm confused, too. And scared.
I used to love the holidays.
I had worked really hard in the rock gym with josh the night before in an attempt to get my shoulder in the most inflamed state possible, since in my experience with my hip, 20 years ago, the mri showed inflammation but not a tear in my labrum (it's possible my shoulder also has a torn or inflamed labrum, who knows).
the contraption they wrapped around my shoulder didn't hurt.
It was a little weird being shoved in a tube but once I relaxed into it, it was almost soothing.
I had to get up really early though, and be at the hospital for a long time, and I had to reward myself when I left with my first peppermint mocha in years, since it's so rare that I will actually go to get scans like this done.
Because Josh is changing jobs, we lose health insurance at the end of the month, so I won't be able to do anything with the info from the scan until February anyway, when his new benefits kick in, whatever those will be (we don't know yet).
It's really funny how different my reaction to my shoulder pain is when I intentionally hurt it. I did everything I could in the gym to mess up my shoulder and it definitely worked, I'm in a lot of pain now, but I'm just amused by it, instead of upset? It's not upsetting me in the slightest, mood-wise. It's really funny how different my psychological reaction to this is, I need to make note of this and figure out how to tap into it for the future.
I have a sneaking suspicion that the scan will reveal nothing and I will just be stuck with a messed up shoulder for the rest of my life. So be it. I will have to find a way to cope.
It was weird in the waiting room. I watched these really cool fish in a fish tank for 20 minutes. Their bodies are like little shimmery flowers. There was one that propelled using its vertical top and bottom fin, like a sun fish, and it was purple and blue with a stunningly pretty purple crescent moon for a tail. And a little puffer fish, and a couple of shiny stripy things. I looked around the waiting room, and every single other person in there, even the nurses, were staring at their phones.
...
I went to Tiny's, a local cafe, for my peppermint mocha, after my scan, and they recently started allowing people to sit inside again. The place was PACKED. We are all so desperate for this. The poor barista is usually so bored on Wednesday mornings that she sits and reads, and it took her 15 minutes to get to my mocha. I didn't care, I was just happy to be done, and the coconut milk half sweet peppermint mocha as the best thing that had ever happened to me.
...
I am dealing with the fact that I want to connect with my step-niece and step-nephew (I don't call them that, but they are not blood relatives) differently, and that the reason for this is because I've accepted the fact that I am going to die before they do, and we will probably know each other for the rest of my life, and i just kinda want to foster that connection. I'm not sure what to do with this feeling, it's awkward and embarrassing and I don't think they will mind, but they will be confused by my sudden interest in their lives, I think. I guess I'm confused, too. And scared.
I used to love the holidays.
