touch-starved.
Aug. 31st, 2022 05:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
serafaeryLunar got in on a cancellation. We're going ahead without bloodwork, I think he will be fine, the last blood draw was from like six months ago maybe? I think it'll be fine. He's overall much healthier than he used to be, he rarely vomits anymore and he put on weight like we wanted.
So I take him in at 7am tomorrow. It's very lucky that I was too lazy to get around to scheduling sparkling work for tomorrow. I have two ladies I might sparkle mid-day, but that's it.
Finley is able to meet so I will get up the nerve to talk to him about my needs, what needs to change, and see how he feels about it. I'm so upset with myself over my inability to be clear and direct and honest with him, my level of attraction is so distracting and uncomfortable, my body reacts to the mere thought of him in ways I can't control, I can't even text him without warm flushes in unwanted places. It's lovely but also too much, too much.
Had a really nice coffee date with Timo today. Turns out he doesn't like sugar so I kinda chose the wrong thing, everyone likes sugar but us, ha. Maybe if he's willing to see me again he can choose the place to meet. I am smitten. He also did internet security, exactly what Josh is doing, but he decided to retire during pandemic and just makes music now. He's intelligent and thoughtful and compassionate and gentle and soft spoken but straightforward and worldly and very German (he has a green card) and delicious to hug. I think he may be in his 50s? I find him overwhelmingly attractive and crave more.
Not at the expense of my marriage, of course, of course. All of this seriousness around Finley is based on preserving what I have with Josh at all costs. All costs. I feel like my importance to Finley is lower than his is to mine, so I am terrified that any misstep will lead to his disappearance. I have abandonment issues like whoah. But, now that I've lived through the sever with Tyler, I am aware that I will survive, and Timo is helping to give me evidence that I can create new connections when needed to feed my aching spirit.
Will pick Lunar up at 5pm, traffic will suck but that's fine. It's exactly the same place Wispra took her cat to get a tooth pulled recently, but nobody needs to know that. I'm glad I already know the route, at least. It's not as close as my vet, but not too terribly far.
Need to get out orders but I'm taking my time with it tonight, I am so flustered and exhausted from too much activity this week. Still not caught up on sleep, my a/c is officially dead, this is the sort of week where I find my bra on inside out or my scissors in the spot where the knives go.
I get scared when this sort of thing happens, since dementia runs in my family and my brother is already starting to babble. he has learned to catch himself and cover it up, which is something mom was very good at for a very, very long time. my brother is just over a year away from being the age dad was when he died, but my brother looks a lot older than my dad did, despite the cancer. I think it's because my brother is obese, and dad never was. No one in our family ever was. it's still really strange to see him so heavy. we are slender genetically. but he's starting to exhibit symptoms of diabetes, and heart disease. things not typical for our family. it's so sad for me to witness. i wish i could help. all i can do is try not to abandon him. it's hard sometimes. i expect too much from him sometimes, maybe.
i think i need a nap or something. i was so hungry and then overate and i feel horrible. but it will pass. i am so fortunate. it's a beautiful day. i have clean laundry and a cleaner room, i will get my work done and my cat will finally get better. my life is ridiculously blessed. i am grateful for every miracle that graces my experience, there is one to be found in every single moment.
now to make a vaguepost on insta stories about needing to be pet.
So I take him in at 7am tomorrow. It's very lucky that I was too lazy to get around to scheduling sparkling work for tomorrow. I have two ladies I might sparkle mid-day, but that's it.
Finley is able to meet so I will get up the nerve to talk to him about my needs, what needs to change, and see how he feels about it. I'm so upset with myself over my inability to be clear and direct and honest with him, my level of attraction is so distracting and uncomfortable, my body reacts to the mere thought of him in ways I can't control, I can't even text him without warm flushes in unwanted places. It's lovely but also too much, too much.
Had a really nice coffee date with Timo today. Turns out he doesn't like sugar so I kinda chose the wrong thing, everyone likes sugar but us, ha. Maybe if he's willing to see me again he can choose the place to meet. I am smitten. He also did internet security, exactly what Josh is doing, but he decided to retire during pandemic and just makes music now. He's intelligent and thoughtful and compassionate and gentle and soft spoken but straightforward and worldly and very German (he has a green card) and delicious to hug. I think he may be in his 50s? I find him overwhelmingly attractive and crave more.
Not at the expense of my marriage, of course, of course. All of this seriousness around Finley is based on preserving what I have with Josh at all costs. All costs. I feel like my importance to Finley is lower than his is to mine, so I am terrified that any misstep will lead to his disappearance. I have abandonment issues like whoah. But, now that I've lived through the sever with Tyler, I am aware that I will survive, and Timo is helping to give me evidence that I can create new connections when needed to feed my aching spirit.
Will pick Lunar up at 5pm, traffic will suck but that's fine. It's exactly the same place Wispra took her cat to get a tooth pulled recently, but nobody needs to know that. I'm glad I already know the route, at least. It's not as close as my vet, but not too terribly far.
Need to get out orders but I'm taking my time with it tonight, I am so flustered and exhausted from too much activity this week. Still not caught up on sleep, my a/c is officially dead, this is the sort of week where I find my bra on inside out or my scissors in the spot where the knives go.
I get scared when this sort of thing happens, since dementia runs in my family and my brother is already starting to babble. he has learned to catch himself and cover it up, which is something mom was very good at for a very, very long time. my brother is just over a year away from being the age dad was when he died, but my brother looks a lot older than my dad did, despite the cancer. I think it's because my brother is obese, and dad never was. No one in our family ever was. it's still really strange to see him so heavy. we are slender genetically. but he's starting to exhibit symptoms of diabetes, and heart disease. things not typical for our family. it's so sad for me to witness. i wish i could help. all i can do is try not to abandon him. it's hard sometimes. i expect too much from him sometimes, maybe.
i think i need a nap or something. i was so hungry and then overate and i feel horrible. but it will pass. i am so fortunate. it's a beautiful day. i have clean laundry and a cleaner room, i will get my work done and my cat will finally get better. my life is ridiculously blessed. i am grateful for every miracle that graces my experience, there is one to be found in every single moment.
now to make a vaguepost on insta stories about needing to be pet.
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Date: 2022-09-01 03:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-09-01 05:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-09-02 01:26 am (UTC)