maybe part of the source of my current pain.

[serafaery]

Why people endlessly see me as childish, I'm pretty convinced, even as I stare down the barrel of turning 50 two years from now.

Emotionally immature and vacant parents can really do a number on kids. When a child takes responsibility to monitor a parent's feelings: keeping them feeling "okay" and worrying whether things are going to fall apart, they don't get the inner sense of security that's necessary to move out into the world like an adult. Finding your tribe, making a living, discovering your talents and gifts. These are all so important to a good life.

But when that black hole in your childhood drained away all the guidance, all the teaching by example, all the sense of structure that you were supposed to get, you can end up in your adulthood feeling like your life isn't real, yet. And you're waiting, you're waiting for someone [or something] to come and put you back on track, back on the path of your actual life.

-Crappy Childhood Fairy

I spent my entire childhood hypervigilant and completely focused on managing my mother's (often alcohol-steeped and erratic) feelings and emotions, never learning how to understand or manage my own.

Comments

[cu_sidhe]

I've been accused of the same... being childish, that is. I often wonder what metric they're using to figure that. Often, it seems to be rather frivolous things - disagreeing with them about something, or perhaps my interests and hobbies.

It's tough having to be the parent to one's own parent.

[michaelboy]

This makes great sense. However "childish" often has a negative connotation whereas it seems you've found more a childlike self, which is a lovely and rare quality