rest and reset.
Jun. 10th, 2023 11:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
serafaerybeen having a rough few days, physically still fighting pain and fatigue and weird food cravings and I think just really severely unbalanced hormone fluctuations, courtesy of perimenopause. I might read a little perimenopause research before bed, sometimes it's such torture and I just need to know that I'm not insane and how terrible i feel is pretty normal. it feels like a form of illness that is not recoverable, or kind of like dying, I really don't like it at all. there is nothing to like. it is just awful and payment for continued extended existence, I guess.
sigh.
ow.
really missed alcohol today, the cravings occasionally wash over me and consume me whole. I am happier without it, but the psychological pull is pretty extreme, for me. I realized this week that in a subtle way, my life really did revolve around alcohol, for well over 20 years. I still have stashes of it at the studio. I made sure I always had access to a quick buzz at any moment.
I know I can reach euphoria without it, now, in much healthier and more profoundly rewarding experiences, but there is something extremely reliable and comforting about being able to achieve a quick buzz and turn off the internal battles in a matter of minutes. I miss it a lot. It feels very lonely, going through this daily process by myself, especially when I was never a typical "problem drinker" so nobody ever saw any issue with my habits to begin with. only I felt the negative effects, really. I rarely got sloppy drunk and even when I did I was always happy.
Skipping coffin club again. It's fine, Derek doesn't need me, it's "goth prom" night and it'll be packed. I'll go next week, I'll feel better once I'm not bleeding through tampons unexpectedly and at random.
I jumped in a lake today! It was scary and hard and I made myself do it anyway. I swam, just a little, in the chilly water on this not-very-hot 70ish degree day. I usually don't jump into lakes until the air temp pushes 90. proud of myself. I ran also. we hung out with Ryan and he offered free treatment at his clinic, I might drag Tyler with me for foot care or maybe my shoulder? I'm going to take a break from Mark, as wonderful as he is we're just not getting anywhere with the shoulder or hip right now. Ryan's clinic has a piezo wave device, I think Tyler should try it.
I love the way my hair is all kinky after leaving a chunk of it in a small braid for a day or two.
Tomorrow I will catch up on all the chores I neglected today in favor of social time with Ryan. It was really nice to reconnect with him. His gf sounds really cool, I hope we can drag them to a lookout tower at some point.
sigh.
ow.
really missed alcohol today, the cravings occasionally wash over me and consume me whole. I am happier without it, but the psychological pull is pretty extreme, for me. I realized this week that in a subtle way, my life really did revolve around alcohol, for well over 20 years. I still have stashes of it at the studio. I made sure I always had access to a quick buzz at any moment.
I know I can reach euphoria without it, now, in much healthier and more profoundly rewarding experiences, but there is something extremely reliable and comforting about being able to achieve a quick buzz and turn off the internal battles in a matter of minutes. I miss it a lot. It feels very lonely, going through this daily process by myself, especially when I was never a typical "problem drinker" so nobody ever saw any issue with my habits to begin with. only I felt the negative effects, really. I rarely got sloppy drunk and even when I did I was always happy.
Skipping coffin club again. It's fine, Derek doesn't need me, it's "goth prom" night and it'll be packed. I'll go next week, I'll feel better once I'm not bleeding through tampons unexpectedly and at random.
I jumped in a lake today! It was scary and hard and I made myself do it anyway. I swam, just a little, in the chilly water on this not-very-hot 70ish degree day. I usually don't jump into lakes until the air temp pushes 90. proud of myself. I ran also. we hung out with Ryan and he offered free treatment at his clinic, I might drag Tyler with me for foot care or maybe my shoulder? I'm going to take a break from Mark, as wonderful as he is we're just not getting anywhere with the shoulder or hip right now. Ryan's clinic has a piezo wave device, I think Tyler should try it.
I love the way my hair is all kinky after leaving a chunk of it in a small braid for a day or two.
Tomorrow I will catch up on all the chores I neglected today in favor of social time with Ryan. It was really nice to reconnect with him. His gf sounds really cool, I hope we can drag them to a lookout tower at some point.
