all shall fade.

[serafaery]

I keep ending up at mom's memorial bench.

It's so unsettling, at times, to realize that there would be no memorial to her at all, if I hadn't purchased and created one, myself.

(I'm certain no one will do the same for me, but it doesn't matter. at all.)

Wore myself out biking. It's kind of self-destructive, the ferocity with which I push myself, physically.

I don't know how to process my trauma.

I realized today, totally out of nowhere, that the route I take up Rocky Butte takes me right directly past the house that I was sexually molested in the first time, when I was eight years old.

Why do I do that to myself?

I saw a post today about how traumatized children have memory gaps in their childhood. There is so much I don't remember. So much buried and hidden away.

If anyone ever wonders why I act so crazy.

I shouldn't be here at all.

To be disowned by my mom after losing my dad at such a young age, after losing my grandparents as an adolescent, the two who were still alive when I was around, anyway - it's not something I will ever heal from.

I'm so grateful to have landed somewhere soft, for now. It will always feel tenuous and temporary.



my dad always loved me fiercely. I am so grateful for that. He made me feel cherished, constantly. He never hurt me. (There was necessary discipline in the form of a stern voice and corrections, there was sometimes aggressive teasing, but never any insults.) I think he's the reason I can endure. His endless love.

Comments

[cu_sidhe]

I saw a post today about how traumatized children have memory gaps in their childhood. There is so much I don't remember. So much buried and hidden away.

I've noticed this with others... a lot of my friends have almost no memory of high school. My wife and I both have very vivid memories, of even our worst experiences in life... I remember cutting myself up with pieces of a broken mirror while my mom berated me and made threats on the other side of the door, I remember precisely why I knew I couldn't tell someone when I was molested... again, all very vividly. My wife and I have speculated that it may be an autism thing.

Certainly doesn't make life easier... but then again, we remember how much people hurt us.

If anyone ever wonders why I act so crazy.

I shouldn't be here at all.

I honestly didn't expect to live to see my high school graduation, and I have very little memory of that particular event. I just remember that I felt very numb and alone.

[serafaery]

We all cope in our own ways, all are valid and kind of miraculous, as sad as it is that we had to do so. I'm so sorry that you experienced sexual violence also, it's gut-wrenching to think about children going through this, and the long term effects it has. I'm sorry for the trauma but give you all the credit for surviving and still working on yourself, this is a trait that is so rare, and it's so important. All I feel like I can ask is that people keep trying. All the credit to you for not giving up.

[michaelboy]

I'm so happy that he loved you and that you feel it, even today and that you endure because of it. Yay!