ASMR fangirling
Sep. 11th, 2023 08:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
serafaeryI watch a ton a ton of ASMR to stay calm at night.
I keep wondering how much of this has to do with emotional damage from getting screamed at during my mom's nighttime drunken rages multiple days a week all throughout my adolescence, often until well after midnight. (only to have her bop about cheerfully at 6am as if nothing ever happened. It only occurred to me later in life that perhaps rather than pretending it didn't happen, she perhaps literally blacked out and didn't remember at all.)
I wish I could pay people to touch me gently but I couldn't afford it and even when I do go get massages (I've still yet to book a facial or a haircut) I often can't relax because I feel bad for making someone do work on my behalf. sigh.
all these beautiful ladies ASMRing each other, I love it so much. They overlap on each other's channels and use each other as models, it's so so nice. They all have their own personalities that make them magical in their own ways. I love the way Ivy doesn't strain and stays calm and somewhat serious, it puts me so at ease. People complain the the comments that she never smiles but I love this about her, I wish I could learn not to reflexively smile so much, I hate it about myself actually. I am also so in love with the way she pronounces follicle like molecule <3 <3 <3
Katie, Hannah B, Semide, Ivy B, Mad P, and August are my current faves.
..........
I'm trying to find some more resources on being raised by emotionally immature parents. It's hard. I need something different than what I'm finding, as I'm nearly 50 and have healed myself a lot, but not all the way. Interestingly, it all resonates with how my brother still treats me, and that makes me just nauseated - I don't know how to deal with that relationship at all. Other than to just avoid him as much as I can without pissing him off or cutting him out of my life entirely.
...
Was planning to clean the apartment today while Josh was away, but that did not happen at all. I just listened to audiobooks and exercised. Maybe tomorrow morning I can at least do the floors, after therapy and skating? I also have two orders to get out, erf.
Nervous about my first therapy session. I wonder how long it'll take to just get this guy caught up on who I am and where I'm coming from and what I want to work on. It's been nearly 15 years since I've had therapy, and the last one was not helpful. I don't know how to do it.
ate a little bit of junk food tonight, just, emotional eating after listening to some material about being raised by emotionally immature/unavailable parents. it's really painful to try to process this stuff and I just wanted some comfort. The food was delicious and I think maybe not too much.
I might bake some cookies and a tart for Kara and Charles when I get home from skating, we'll see. If I don't get to the floors it won't be the end of the world. I was going to bake tonight but just lost motivation. heavy sadness will do that.
the weather is still perfect and the walk tonight was unpleasant neighborhood-wise but lovely weather-wise, at least, same with the bike ride to and from silks earlier.
grateful for clear skies (cloudy and overcast at times but blessedly smoke free)
for coffee
for a place to train silks
for skeleton gloves
for ghosty socks
for ghosty music
for the first few red-orange leaves on the ground
for scruffy crows (they're in their late-summer molting phase and looking super shaggy)
for a soft smile from a stranger on the street
for stripy fuzzy sweaters
for fizzy water
for salt
for somehow staying sober for going on 8 months
for figuring out how to accept myself even when I feel angry or sad for no apparent reason - feelings are valid even when they are unpleasant and the cause is unclear. life has been hard and a lot of sadness is encroaching all around me, it makes sense to not always feel bliss and joy and delight, even when there are things to be grateful for.
I keep wondering how much of this has to do with emotional damage from getting screamed at during my mom's nighttime drunken rages multiple days a week all throughout my adolescence, often until well after midnight. (only to have her bop about cheerfully at 6am as if nothing ever happened. It only occurred to me later in life that perhaps rather than pretending it didn't happen, she perhaps literally blacked out and didn't remember at all.)
I wish I could pay people to touch me gently but I couldn't afford it and even when I do go get massages (I've still yet to book a facial or a haircut) I often can't relax because I feel bad for making someone do work on my behalf. sigh.
all these beautiful ladies ASMRing each other, I love it so much. They overlap on each other's channels and use each other as models, it's so so nice. They all have their own personalities that make them magical in their own ways. I love the way Ivy doesn't strain and stays calm and somewhat serious, it puts me so at ease. People complain the the comments that she never smiles but I love this about her, I wish I could learn not to reflexively smile so much, I hate it about myself actually. I am also so in love with the way she pronounces follicle like molecule <3 <3 <3
Katie, Hannah B, Semide, Ivy B, Mad P, and August are my current faves.
..........
I'm trying to find some more resources on being raised by emotionally immature parents. It's hard. I need something different than what I'm finding, as I'm nearly 50 and have healed myself a lot, but not all the way. Interestingly, it all resonates with how my brother still treats me, and that makes me just nauseated - I don't know how to deal with that relationship at all. Other than to just avoid him as much as I can without pissing him off or cutting him out of my life entirely.
...
Was planning to clean the apartment today while Josh was away, but that did not happen at all. I just listened to audiobooks and exercised. Maybe tomorrow morning I can at least do the floors, after therapy and skating? I also have two orders to get out, erf.
Nervous about my first therapy session. I wonder how long it'll take to just get this guy caught up on who I am and where I'm coming from and what I want to work on. It's been nearly 15 years since I've had therapy, and the last one was not helpful. I don't know how to do it.
ate a little bit of junk food tonight, just, emotional eating after listening to some material about being raised by emotionally immature/unavailable parents. it's really painful to try to process this stuff and I just wanted some comfort. The food was delicious and I think maybe not too much.
I might bake some cookies and a tart for Kara and Charles when I get home from skating, we'll see. If I don't get to the floors it won't be the end of the world. I was going to bake tonight but just lost motivation. heavy sadness will do that.
the weather is still perfect and the walk tonight was unpleasant neighborhood-wise but lovely weather-wise, at least, same with the bike ride to and from silks earlier.
grateful for clear skies (cloudy and overcast at times but blessedly smoke free)
for coffee
for a place to train silks
for skeleton gloves
for ghosty socks
for ghosty music
for the first few red-orange leaves on the ground
for scruffy crows (they're in their late-summer molting phase and looking super shaggy)
for a soft smile from a stranger on the street
for stripy fuzzy sweaters
for fizzy water
for salt
for somehow staying sober for going on 8 months
for figuring out how to accept myself even when I feel angry or sad for no apparent reason - feelings are valid even when they are unpleasant and the cause is unclear. life has been hard and a lot of sadness is encroaching all around me, it makes sense to not always feel bliss and joy and delight, even when there are things to be grateful for.
