serafaery

vur vur tired.

might try to work my way backward.

kitten is passed out. I ran her around the apartment with her feather toy. she was much excite. she had been asking me to play as soon as I walked in the door with groceries. but I had to put them away and make beef stew and wash all the dishes, first. all that is done, stew is in the fridge in three big bowls, waiting to nourish Joshter.

(he ate all the food I cooked last night today - fish, vegetable hash, italian pork links from the farmers market, sweet potato. I enjoy feeding him.)

got my orders out, and took a long walk in the park at sunset, since my foot is too sore to run. i will skip skating this week, alas, it is still too sore to put into an ice skate. sad.

but maybe if i keep stretching, i can run later.

could perhaps ride my bike tomorrow, if the rain holds off.

need to update the website and consolidate my loan first, though, or at least start on the paperwork for that.

stopped at see see for coffee after aerial. saw my neighbor nev. everyone was in there, today. almost every seat taken. i've not seen it like that since pandemic. strange for 2pm on a tuesday, but whatevs.

finley got back from his san diego trip with elina today. they were dodging atmospheric river-induced flash floods and tornados. poor things. not great timing to check out socal. sigh.

last we saw each other, he could not pick his jaw up off the floor over my outfit. i thought i had shown these to him, but i guess it's different in person than in photos or short videos.

i enjoyed the attention immensely.

though i feel i will lose him sooner than later. i don't know why, i just feel a sensation like he's evaporating. not intentionally - if anything he's more loving and attentive and connected than ever. just, when i look to my future, i don't see him clearly anymore. it's like a soft pale shadowy ghost. an echo of him. i will be forever changed by our connection. and always pining for more. i probably chase him down in every lifetime. seeking his softness and serenity - the oneness i feel with all existence when he touches me. when he falls asleep wrapped around me, as relaxed and comforting as a favorite hoodie. the validation and reminder that existence is good, and full of love, and wants me to participate in the dance between facets, expressions, the beings that the universe experiences itself through.

did silks. my mood was in the darkest place. i don't know why. i was so happy last night. i was bouncing off the walls during therapy, but then when my insecurities popped up, i crumpled. it hurt. i hurt. my therapist knows how i feel about him, i realized very clearly today. we didn't have to talk about it. he's already using transference in our sessions. boldly and obviously, now - maybe he was being more subtle about it, before.

i don't know if we should talk about it. maybe i should at least indicate that i know that he knows.

if it matters. not sure if it does.

or if i'm reading his signals incorrectly.

sigh.

why does he have to be so magnetic.

when i was bouncing around at the beginning of my session, avalanche had the zoomies.

when i got sullen, she glued herself to me and held space quietly, and purred hard when i attended to her.

she had good walkies today. very brave, very interested in birbs. did not want to go back inside. is getting more tolerant of her leash and harness. amazingly good kitten.

she's getting used to the way i handle her and lets me kiss her all over. i like the way she smells. like soft fresh linen.

(Teacup looks glorious for skiing this weekend, Saturday. It will be busy but x-country is never too crazy even on the busiest day. There's always somewhere to park. And people spread out on the trails.)

She forgave me quickly last night for leaving. Full of purrs and snuggles and wanting to play. She seemed very happy to have us back and stayed close to us, chirping.

she loves tyler.

tyler played piano for hours. i listened, enchanted. he is playing new pieces. enya. massive attack. bowie even. satie as always. coldplay - he's been playing O. It's shockingly beautiful.

my mom would love it.

he asked me a funny question in the hot tub, night before last, after josh got out. "Do you ever miss your parents?"

What kind of question is that? Is that rhetorical? I miss them every day. I make that pretty clear in the way I talk about them. About losing them. About not having them.

I talked about them a bit. That despite the difficulties, they gave me so much love. About how my dad couldn't seem to contain how enchanted he was with me. Mom instilled me with such a deep sense of magic and appreciation of beauty. I cherish that and am grateful for it every day, and I miss her every single day, I miss the good parts of her, the part that channeled such magic and gratitude and adoration for life.

.................

(more in the next entry, things get saucier.....)

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when we landed home last night, I fed and played with the kitten and unpacked and put all the food away and cleaned the cooler and got immediately to cooking. I enjoy feeding both of them.

We were back at the posh lookout tower that we love, for Josh's birthday.

The drive home was long and punctuated with a stop in Eugene that I will detail in private.

waking up in the morning was bliss. it had rained all night and the sound was so soothing in the cupula, snuggled up with Josh in cozy blankets all night. I slept very comfortably, after soaking in the wood fired hot tub before bed. the boys split and hauled wood and I started and tended the fire. usually I also chop and haul, but not this time. I did push the wheelbarrow a couple of times and stacked logs. that was fun.

baked cookies in the morning, i don't know, it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. I had baked josh a carrot cake the night before, using cream cheese packets from the coffee shop in roseburg to make cream cheese frosting. was so fun. rainbow carrots so it came out a different color than usual, and oat flour so it was gluten free, which josh prefers. it was very similar to our typical banana bread. tasty. had a mushroom birthday candle for him, and i cut little slivers of red carrots to decorate it with. he declared it to be "the best cake evaaaaaaaaaar" lol.

the cookies were oat and wheat and chocolate chip and raisin and cashew and goji berry funkiness i dunno - they were a fun experiment. it warmed the kitchen at least, having the oven on in the morning. was cooking in a tank top.

took a shower on the deck outside. so luxurious. unmatched view. incredible. showering outdoors above the clouds. only the little deer in the meadow might see you.

the hot tub the night before was blissful. it was pouring icy rain when we got in, that was difficult - but once we were in we were toasty and happy, and the rain died down and by the time Tyler and I were done gazing at the stars and talking about things we never talk about elsewhere, we were thoroughly warmed and happy to let the cold night wind air dry us when we got out. it was pleasant.

brought my de-alcoholized wine into the tub in a plastic wine glass - the Eins Zwei Zero sparkling reisling is really lovely - I don't even like wine but I love that stuff.

long walks in the meadow. long bouts of quiet reading. playing set with tyler. cooking meat and veggies and making tacos for the boys for dinner. cute deer sightings. tyler and i danced the morning before we left, Josh insisted I could manage though I have only ever done east coast swing with Josh, but Tyler is a fantastic lead and made it work somehow.

he's so good at everything he tries. excellence in all his endeavors.

sigh.

we got to the tower with ease, before dark, despite leaving after noon because josh didn't want to miss his handstands class with daniela. (understandably - daniela is unmissable.)

the break at cascades coffeehouse in roseburg is always a comfort and a boost.

still floaty from thursday with finley. and how good my life is in general. and being high on kitten love perpetually. it's ridiculous. i need to reach out to natasha. let her know how happy we are together. i'm so grateful. it was josh's hope that avalanche would bring natasha and i closer. i think that is the sweetest impulse. i love my husband to the moon and back. it never ends, my gratitude for him. we look at each other and still can't believe how lucky we are. i think i am the luckier one, especially. but he always argues this. i'm just so glad he enjoys whatever this dance is that we're dancing.

circus was fun today, everyone was goofy and in a good mood and dutch chatted with me a little, i talked to scramble and dave and amira and angela and rose and none of it was too scary, circus people are so nice. even eli, whom i'd never seen. and mariano of course - i just pressed my face to his shoulder and said hi and scampered off. like the most anxiously attached faery ever to exist.

i need to post all the photos and videos of josh's birthday dinner and the lookout tower trip, i will do that in the morning before diving into work, hopefully. we've had a lovely several days. we were naughty in the hot tub before tyler joined us. it was so delightful. we got snowed on Sunday, but only for a dusting. it warmed to rain and melted and monday was gentle and easy. i am so grateful. and so glad that my life is not very serious. there is an element of playfulness everywhere i look. it's sheer delight to have this. this dancing magic.

i get very tired and very sad and i am in a lot of pain a lot of the time. sat on mom's bench tonight, covered in skulls and ghosts that i needed to wear all day, haunted by lunar and madoc especially much, but also kara and my parents and my grandparents and so many others who've exited. "I feel guilty being alive." "wishing to be dead; it's a way to cope with living." but also, despite all the pain and fear and loss, i am overwhelmed with love and delight and wonder at the fact that i get to exist at all. i get to see the sun rise and set, and taste things bitter and sweet, and listen to birdsong and traffic, and music, and i get to feel other warm beings pressing into me like, yes, me too, i'm confused and delighted and afraid and amused, and so glad to be here with you.