shadowplay healing time
Feb. 23rd, 2024 03:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
serafaeryfeeling sooooooooooooooooooo much better today, after a couple of very difficult down days.
it's sometimes hardest when i can't pinpoint what's upsetting. i just felt so profoundly empty and listless and sad. general aches and pains plus feeling a bit lost and hit with waves of grief from lost loved ones, plus things like taxes and investments and loan payment hoop jumping and etc. and starting my period, all a bunch of little things just piled up i suppose.
it's so hard to understand how to undo the distress when i'm in that state. looking back it's just so perplexing. nothing has changed at all but i feel absolutely fine now, after a period of intense anhedonia. not entire - i could still find joy in Avalanche's purrs, in the beauty of a flower or streams of sunlight through clouds, of very very tasty chocolate shared with a loved one. but in general i just felt awful and couldn't shake it for days. the fact that my therapist says this is typical after hitting a year of sobriety should help - the fact that i know i'm dealing with taxes and a post-spay kitten who is trying to heal, and a menstrual cycle, all should help. meditation and breathing exercises should help. but it just didn't, none of it.
sigh.
i think part of this is due to deeper traumas and trying to reconstruct a steadier sense of self. will tackle this with my therapist again on Tuesday - I think I'm ready to go back into the fray.
my selfhood is so caught up in other people. this needs lots of deep work. it doesn't really matter so much how or why - it matters how to fix it going forward.
had a lovely dinner with Margaret, who is in town from Colorado, along with Jasmine and Gwen - it was soooooo lovely to spend time with them. We are going to do a full moon fire pit tonight at Jasmine's place. I have great excite.
been trying to take good care of Avalanche and Josh despite my malaise - i've been cooking him beautiful meals of vegetables and lentils and a variety of pasture raised organic meats - he has bursitis on his elbow so we're doing everything we can to get him healed up. today his lunch was bison burgers from an organic ranch we know with very healthy well cared for animals, and cauliflower pizza (this is just wedges of roasted cauliflower covered with tomato sauce and cheese), with freshly chopped carrots and sweet bell peppers. he was so happy. i've been keeping the floors clean while Avalanche heals, the sinks and surfaces and toilet are all okay, only the tub/shower needs some love rn. not bad considering the emotional stress i've been under.
it sucks, it's not like i'm being shelled in rafah, i should be fine. wish it were easier for me to just exist. it seems like such a luxury to be upset. but. my body hurts and my heart hurts, more than i can bear, sometimes.
i had. the most. amazing night. it was a perfect reset.
after a soft afternoon date with finley, where he showed me the spiderverse animated movie (he loves it soooooo much; i was very meh but it's sweet to see him so joyful), i came home and did chores and picked up another batch of shrooms from a friend and just having them perked me up so much.
got drest for the club in my new harness which i loooooove. i just went kinda half naked, who cares lol. dancing is not clothing-friendly anyway, the way i do it.
finley was there looking amaaaaaazing, as was manders, and the two of them spoiled me with attention alllllll night. got so many kisses and cuddles from amanda, much needed and soooooo sweet. i love her so much. the way she melts into me.
it's kind of wild looking at these beautiful creatures being just, locked onto me while dancing for hours. i am 48 and not sure how this is still in any way possible. there is so much beauty to be had in the world, and these two magical creatures, for whatever mysterious reason, have chosen me to bless with their attention and affection. i can't even.
it was hard to sleep so i woke up a bit sleep-deprived, only to discover a request for more documentation for my loan recert (it's always something), so I'm at a coffee shop where I just finished up that work. it's a warm sunny 60 degree day and i would have rather gone for a bike ride or a hike, but i had a headache and felt this was more urgent anyway, so i'm glad to be here now, today. there will be more beautiful days to play outside when i am feeling better and not under pressure to get documentation submitted for things.
Avalanche and I had the sweetest walk together in the sunshine this morning. i feel good about my level of care for her and for josh and myself, for my friends and loved ones, it's not perfect but i'm doing okay.
should go home and get this submitted and try to get a little more work done on taxes before i had over to Jasmine's.
so grateful for this life.
it's sometimes hardest when i can't pinpoint what's upsetting. i just felt so profoundly empty and listless and sad. general aches and pains plus feeling a bit lost and hit with waves of grief from lost loved ones, plus things like taxes and investments and loan payment hoop jumping and etc. and starting my period, all a bunch of little things just piled up i suppose.
it's so hard to understand how to undo the distress when i'm in that state. looking back it's just so perplexing. nothing has changed at all but i feel absolutely fine now, after a period of intense anhedonia. not entire - i could still find joy in Avalanche's purrs, in the beauty of a flower or streams of sunlight through clouds, of very very tasty chocolate shared with a loved one. but in general i just felt awful and couldn't shake it for days. the fact that my therapist says this is typical after hitting a year of sobriety should help - the fact that i know i'm dealing with taxes and a post-spay kitten who is trying to heal, and a menstrual cycle, all should help. meditation and breathing exercises should help. but it just didn't, none of it.
sigh.
i think part of this is due to deeper traumas and trying to reconstruct a steadier sense of self. will tackle this with my therapist again on Tuesday - I think I'm ready to go back into the fray.
my selfhood is so caught up in other people. this needs lots of deep work. it doesn't really matter so much how or why - it matters how to fix it going forward.
had a lovely dinner with Margaret, who is in town from Colorado, along with Jasmine and Gwen - it was soooooo lovely to spend time with them. We are going to do a full moon fire pit tonight at Jasmine's place. I have great excite.
been trying to take good care of Avalanche and Josh despite my malaise - i've been cooking him beautiful meals of vegetables and lentils and a variety of pasture raised organic meats - he has bursitis on his elbow so we're doing everything we can to get him healed up. today his lunch was bison burgers from an organic ranch we know with very healthy well cared for animals, and cauliflower pizza (this is just wedges of roasted cauliflower covered with tomato sauce and cheese), with freshly chopped carrots and sweet bell peppers. he was so happy. i've been keeping the floors clean while Avalanche heals, the sinks and surfaces and toilet are all okay, only the tub/shower needs some love rn. not bad considering the emotional stress i've been under.
it sucks, it's not like i'm being shelled in rafah, i should be fine. wish it were easier for me to just exist. it seems like such a luxury to be upset. but. my body hurts and my heart hurts, more than i can bear, sometimes.
i had. the most. amazing night. it was a perfect reset.
after a soft afternoon date with finley, where he showed me the spiderverse animated movie (he loves it soooooo much; i was very meh but it's sweet to see him so joyful), i came home and did chores and picked up another batch of shrooms from a friend and just having them perked me up so much.
got drest for the club in my new harness which i loooooove. i just went kinda half naked, who cares lol. dancing is not clothing-friendly anyway, the way i do it.
finley was there looking amaaaaaazing, as was manders, and the two of them spoiled me with attention alllllll night. got so many kisses and cuddles from amanda, much needed and soooooo sweet. i love her so much. the way she melts into me.
it's kind of wild looking at these beautiful creatures being just, locked onto me while dancing for hours. i am 48 and not sure how this is still in any way possible. there is so much beauty to be had in the world, and these two magical creatures, for whatever mysterious reason, have chosen me to bless with their attention and affection. i can't even.
it was hard to sleep so i woke up a bit sleep-deprived, only to discover a request for more documentation for my loan recert (it's always something), so I'm at a coffee shop where I just finished up that work. it's a warm sunny 60 degree day and i would have rather gone for a bike ride or a hike, but i had a headache and felt this was more urgent anyway, so i'm glad to be here now, today. there will be more beautiful days to play outside when i am feeling better and not under pressure to get documentation submitted for things.
Avalanche and I had the sweetest walk together in the sunshine this morning. i feel good about my level of care for her and for josh and myself, for my friends and loved ones, it's not perfect but i'm doing okay.
should go home and get this submitted and try to get a little more work done on taxes before i had over to Jasmine's.
so grateful for this life.
no subject
Date: 2024-02-24 01:06 pm (UTC)And being 48 doesn't preclude you from being appreciated or being part of beauty. It's all good, no matter what the number.
I love that you found Avalanche in your life. It is more than obvious that you are good for each other.