still missing my dad a lot.
Apr. 19th, 2024 09:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
serafaerymy dad was destitute when he died. he left me a lot of love, that's the most valuable thing.
it is confusing though, as i get older and my friends parents finally start dying, to see people inherit things like large sums of money or homes - their loss is genuine but then suddenly they just... don't have jobs anymore? spend months abroad? not to minimize their grief, which is just as real as mine or anyone's, it's just, impossible for me to relate.
it's a very different situation, when parents cause debt, instead of relieve it. or are at best neutral.
my life has gotten much better. i often feel rescued out of the muck and mire by my husband. but in different ways, i've also rescued him. we are so perfect for each other and i am so grateful for him every day, consistently.
i'm also pretty darn resilient and self-sufficient and capable of taking care of myself, and was entirely self-reliant well into our marriage, so it's not so much that i'm dependent at all, but that his presence increases my quality of life by quite a bit - i hope that i do the same for him. he seems to think so. how did we get so lucky. just being partnered, with someone who is so healthy and stable, is a boon for my little delicate heart. it helps my confidence, too, to know that it's not just me all alone and that i can rely on someone else to help if i really need it.
grief comes in waves. trying to decide if i should try to make an effort to understand where i came from better, or to just let it go. there's no one to talk to about it or relate to, so, what's the point? i'm this lost forgotten little tendril of a bloodline - but blood never really mattered to me anyway. what matters is what's in our hearts. who we love, and how we love them.
it is confusing though, as i get older and my friends parents finally start dying, to see people inherit things like large sums of money or homes - their loss is genuine but then suddenly they just... don't have jobs anymore? spend months abroad? not to minimize their grief, which is just as real as mine or anyone's, it's just, impossible for me to relate.
it's a very different situation, when parents cause debt, instead of relieve it. or are at best neutral.
my life has gotten much better. i often feel rescued out of the muck and mire by my husband. but in different ways, i've also rescued him. we are so perfect for each other and i am so grateful for him every day, consistently.
i'm also pretty darn resilient and self-sufficient and capable of taking care of myself, and was entirely self-reliant well into our marriage, so it's not so much that i'm dependent at all, but that his presence increases my quality of life by quite a bit - i hope that i do the same for him. he seems to think so. how did we get so lucky. just being partnered, with someone who is so healthy and stable, is a boon for my little delicate heart. it helps my confidence, too, to know that it's not just me all alone and that i can rely on someone else to help if i really need it.
grief comes in waves. trying to decide if i should try to make an effort to understand where i came from better, or to just let it go. there's no one to talk to about it or relate to, so, what's the point? i'm this lost forgotten little tendril of a bloodline - but blood never really mattered to me anyway. what matters is what's in our hearts. who we love, and how we love them.
