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serafaeryA child's individuality is seen as a threat to emotionally immature and insecure parents, because it stirs up fears about possible rejection or abandonment. If you think independently, you might criticize them or decide to leave. They feel much safer seeing family members as predictable fantasy characters, rather than real individuals.... therefore children, in an attempt to please their parents, suppress any authentic thoughts, feelings, or desires that would disturb their sense of security.
Denial of individual needs and preferences. Parents who need to keep strict control because of their anxieties teach their children not only how they should do things, but also how they should feel and think. Children may come to think their own inner experiences have no legitimacy. such parents teach their children to be ashamed of any aspect of themselves that differs from their parents. Children may come to see their uniqueness, and even their strengths, as odd and unlovable. These children often learn to be ashamed of the following normal behaviors: enthusiasm, sadness or grief, saying what they really feel, expressing anger.
On the other hand, they are thought that the following are acceptable/desirable: obedience or deference to authority, uncertainty and self-doubt, guilt and shame over imperfections or being different, willingness to listen to distress and complaints, stereotyped gender roles, e.g. people-pleasing in girls and toughness in boys.
Here are some of the biggest self-defeating things emotionally immature parents teach their children about how to get along in life: Give first consideration to what other people want you to do. don't speak up for yourself. be as self-effacing as possible.
Everyone internalizes their parents voices; it's how we're socialized. The unrelenting presence of critical or contemptuous inner voices can do more damage than even the parent themselves.
You need to interrupt these voices, to recognize them as imported and not coming from the true self.
Make a point to observe how these voices talk to you, and make a rational decision about whether you want to keep listening to that inner critic. What's the balance between my own needs and what the voices want me to do.
....
Children silence their own true inner thoughts and feelings if they create strife with the parents. These children learn that goodness and badness lay not only in behavior, but in the mind as well. In this way, you may have learned the absurd idea that you can be a bad person for having certain thoughts and feelings, and you may still hold that belief.
However, you need access to all your inner experiences without feeling guilty or ashamed of them. You'll have more energy when you let your thoughts and feelings flow naturally, without worrying about what they mean about you. A thought or feeling means nothing more than that you're having a thought or feeling.
Letting them come and go without condemnation is a profound relief. Having a thought or feeling isn't initially under your control. You don't plan to think or feel things; you just do. This is organic part of nature expressing itself through you. accepting the truth of feelings or thoughts doesn't make you bad, it makes you whole, and mature enough to know your own mind.
...
By settling limits on contact, you prioritize your own needs for self-care. They may protest when you're not as generous with your time and attention as you used to be, however, these difficult moments present a priceless opportunity to get over any irrational guilt for having needs of your own.
If you're an internalizer, you'll be inclined to feel that the answer to any problem if for you to make things better, and that if you try a little harder, the situation, including others' behavior, will improve. It's such a relief to realize this isn't true. More often, internalizers keep trying harder, and externalizers keep taking advantage of this. Remember: Your goodness as a person isn't based on how much you give, in relationships, and it isn't selfish to set limits on people who keep on taking. Your job is to take care of yourself regardless of what others think you should be doing for them.
Paying attention to subtle energy drains from other people will help you realize when you're giving too much. Even in minor encounters, you can adjust how much you give so you won't be exhausted by trying to fulfill others' needs.
"Being a member of a family doesn't give people free rein to treat people like crap."
In order to take care of yourself, you need to feel compassion for yourself. Knowing your own feelings, and having sympathy for yourself, are two building blocks for strong individuality. Only if you have self-compassion will you know when to set limits and stop giving excessively. Extending compassion to yourself can be so healing, yet can feel unnatural at first.
...
Regaining the ability to feel for yourself comes in waves, some of these waves can be very intense. Having a lot of unprocessed emotion to integrate can feel overwhelming. You'll benefit from reaching out to a therapist for comfort and support to help you through these times. Don't be afraid of this natural process - your body knows how to cry and grieve. (Going through this can help you feel more balanced and centered, once you get through it.) Notice when feelings arise and keep trying to understand them. You'll come out of the experience a more integrated and mature person, with greater compassion for both yourself and others.
(Not trying to regulate other people's emotions can often give the other person a lot of relief, too - maybe they don't want to feel better or different.)
On parents neglecting a child's needs: It's important to realize that childhood experiences of profound helplessness can be traumatic, causing people to respond to adult feelings of helplessness with sensations of collapse and a feeling of, "there's nothing I can do and no one will help me." As children, sensitive internalizers can be so effected by this feeling that later they're prone to feeling like victims with no control, at the mercy of powerful people who refuse to give them what they need. Even if this victim reaction is deeply ingrained, you can always reclaim your right to ask for help. More importantly, to keep on asking for help, as often as necessary.
Action on your own behalf is the antidote to traumatic feelings of helplessness.
You owe it to yourself to ask for what you need.
An important step in the maturity-awareness approach is expressing yourself, and then letting go. You can function without their understanding, but you can make interactions more satisfying for you - you can speak up politely when you feel like it, and be different without offering excuses. You can be authentic even in the absence of understanding. The point of authentic expression is to be true to yourself, not to change others. People can still love you even if they don't get you at all.
Freedom to approach old relationships in new ways. Keep the focus on the outcome you're seeking, setting aside desires for genuine emotional connection from people who aren't capable of it, one interaction at a time. Accept them as they are without expectations.
Paradoxically, they may open up more once you stop wanting them to change.
When you seem strong and they sense that you no longer need their approval, they may be able to relax more.
Once you stop trying to win their attention, the emotional intensity ebbs to a point where they may be able to tolerate more openness.
This can only happen if you've truly relinquished the need for a deep relationship with them, and it may not happen even then. But if you can stay true to yourself, detach emotionally, and interact without expectations, you'll be less likely to trigger their defenses against emotional intimacy. By giving up your fantasy about changing the relationship you have with them, you let them be who they are. When they're no longer under pressure to change, they may be able to treat you differently; or not. Your job is to be okay either way.
Consider whether your need for them is real, or whether it might be a holdover from unmet childhood needs. Do they really have something you want now?
Denial of individual needs and preferences. Parents who need to keep strict control because of their anxieties teach their children not only how they should do things, but also how they should feel and think. Children may come to think their own inner experiences have no legitimacy. such parents teach their children to be ashamed of any aspect of themselves that differs from their parents. Children may come to see their uniqueness, and even their strengths, as odd and unlovable. These children often learn to be ashamed of the following normal behaviors: enthusiasm, sadness or grief, saying what they really feel, expressing anger.
On the other hand, they are thought that the following are acceptable/desirable: obedience or deference to authority, uncertainty and self-doubt, guilt and shame over imperfections or being different, willingness to listen to distress and complaints, stereotyped gender roles, e.g. people-pleasing in girls and toughness in boys.
Here are some of the biggest self-defeating things emotionally immature parents teach their children about how to get along in life: Give first consideration to what other people want you to do. don't speak up for yourself. be as self-effacing as possible.
Everyone internalizes their parents voices; it's how we're socialized. The unrelenting presence of critical or contemptuous inner voices can do more damage than even the parent themselves.
You need to interrupt these voices, to recognize them as imported and not coming from the true self.
Make a point to observe how these voices talk to you, and make a rational decision about whether you want to keep listening to that inner critic. What's the balance between my own needs and what the voices want me to do.
....
Children silence their own true inner thoughts and feelings if they create strife with the parents. These children learn that goodness and badness lay not only in behavior, but in the mind as well. In this way, you may have learned the absurd idea that you can be a bad person for having certain thoughts and feelings, and you may still hold that belief.
However, you need access to all your inner experiences without feeling guilty or ashamed of them. You'll have more energy when you let your thoughts and feelings flow naturally, without worrying about what they mean about you. A thought or feeling means nothing more than that you're having a thought or feeling.
Letting them come and go without condemnation is a profound relief. Having a thought or feeling isn't initially under your control. You don't plan to think or feel things; you just do. This is organic part of nature expressing itself through you. accepting the truth of feelings or thoughts doesn't make you bad, it makes you whole, and mature enough to know your own mind.
...
By settling limits on contact, you prioritize your own needs for self-care. They may protest when you're not as generous with your time and attention as you used to be, however, these difficult moments present a priceless opportunity to get over any irrational guilt for having needs of your own.
If you're an internalizer, you'll be inclined to feel that the answer to any problem if for you to make things better, and that if you try a little harder, the situation, including others' behavior, will improve. It's such a relief to realize this isn't true. More often, internalizers keep trying harder, and externalizers keep taking advantage of this. Remember: Your goodness as a person isn't based on how much you give, in relationships, and it isn't selfish to set limits on people who keep on taking. Your job is to take care of yourself regardless of what others think you should be doing for them.
Paying attention to subtle energy drains from other people will help you realize when you're giving too much. Even in minor encounters, you can adjust how much you give so you won't be exhausted by trying to fulfill others' needs.
"Being a member of a family doesn't give people free rein to treat people like crap."
In order to take care of yourself, you need to feel compassion for yourself. Knowing your own feelings, and having sympathy for yourself, are two building blocks for strong individuality. Only if you have self-compassion will you know when to set limits and stop giving excessively. Extending compassion to yourself can be so healing, yet can feel unnatural at first.
...
Regaining the ability to feel for yourself comes in waves, some of these waves can be very intense. Having a lot of unprocessed emotion to integrate can feel overwhelming. You'll benefit from reaching out to a therapist for comfort and support to help you through these times. Don't be afraid of this natural process - your body knows how to cry and grieve. (Going through this can help you feel more balanced and centered, once you get through it.) Notice when feelings arise and keep trying to understand them. You'll come out of the experience a more integrated and mature person, with greater compassion for both yourself and others.
(Not trying to regulate other people's emotions can often give the other person a lot of relief, too - maybe they don't want to feel better or different.)
On parents neglecting a child's needs: It's important to realize that childhood experiences of profound helplessness can be traumatic, causing people to respond to adult feelings of helplessness with sensations of collapse and a feeling of, "there's nothing I can do and no one will help me." As children, sensitive internalizers can be so effected by this feeling that later they're prone to feeling like victims with no control, at the mercy of powerful people who refuse to give them what they need. Even if this victim reaction is deeply ingrained, you can always reclaim your right to ask for help. More importantly, to keep on asking for help, as often as necessary.
Action on your own behalf is the antidote to traumatic feelings of helplessness.
You owe it to yourself to ask for what you need.
An important step in the maturity-awareness approach is expressing yourself, and then letting go. You can function without their understanding, but you can make interactions more satisfying for you - you can speak up politely when you feel like it, and be different without offering excuses. You can be authentic even in the absence of understanding. The point of authentic expression is to be true to yourself, not to change others. People can still love you even if they don't get you at all.
Freedom to approach old relationships in new ways. Keep the focus on the outcome you're seeking, setting aside desires for genuine emotional connection from people who aren't capable of it, one interaction at a time. Accept them as they are without expectations.
Paradoxically, they may open up more once you stop wanting them to change.
When you seem strong and they sense that you no longer need their approval, they may be able to relax more.
Once you stop trying to win their attention, the emotional intensity ebbs to a point where they may be able to tolerate more openness.
This can only happen if you've truly relinquished the need for a deep relationship with them, and it may not happen even then. But if you can stay true to yourself, detach emotionally, and interact without expectations, you'll be less likely to trigger their defenses against emotional intimacy. By giving up your fantasy about changing the relationship you have with them, you let them be who they are. When they're no longer under pressure to change, they may be able to treat you differently; or not. Your job is to be okay either way.
Consider whether your need for them is real, or whether it might be a holdover from unmet childhood needs. Do they really have something you want now?
