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serafaeryIf you're practicing observational detachment with someone and find yourself getting emotional, your distress is a sign that your "healing fantasy" has been activated. You've fallen back into believing that you can't be okay if they don't validate you.
If you start slipping into a fantasy that you may be able to get the other person to change, you'll feel weak, vulnerable, apprehensive, and needy. This extremely unpleasant feeling of weakness is a signal to you that you need to shift out of responding emotionally and move back into observing mode.
If you find yourself becoming reactive, silently repeat to yourself: detach, detach, detach.
Make a point of consciously describing the other person in words, silently and to yourself. During a stressful interaction, this kind of mental narration can center and ground you. When you try to find the exact words to describe something, it helps redirect your brain's energy away from emotional reactivity. The same goes for getting control over your own emotional reactions. Silently narrating your own emotional reactions can give you that extra bit of objectivity that cools things down.
If the other person is still getting to you, find some way to put distance between you, disengage, excuse yourself. Use whatever you need to get away and get yourself back to a detached, observational mindset.
As you practice observing, you'll become stronger, and more confident in your ability to see what's really going on.
In this kind of relatedness, there's communication, but no goal of having a satisfying emotional exchange.
If you try to be emotionally open and honest with these people, you'll feel frustrated and invalidated. Save your energy for people who make an effort to understand you, and are capable of emotional reciprocity.
Estimating the emotional maturity level of a person you are interacting with is one of the best ways to take care of yourself in any interaction. Their behavior will be more predictable and make more sense.
(continued)
3 ways to deal with someone who turns out to be emotionally immature: 1. Express and then let go. 2. Focus on the outcome, not the relationship. 3. Manage, don't engage.
1. Explicitly say what you want to say in a non-judgemental way, but don't try to control the outcome. Realize the need for others to hear you. It is good practice to engage in clear, authentic communication. Others' responses don't matter. What matters is that you expressed your true thoughts and feelings in a calm, clear way. This is achievable and within your control.
2. Ask yourself what you're really trying to get from the other person in this interaction. Be honest. If your goal involves eliciting empathy, stop right there, and come up with a different goal - one that's specific and achievable. (Express yourself even though you're nervous.)
With emotionally mature people you can talk about your feelings honestly, and they'll share theirs as well.
3. Set a goal of managing duration and topics. You may need to redirect or avoid bait. Manage your own emotions by observing yourself rather than becoming reactive.
Concerns about using these approaches:
This sounds like a cold and unrewarding way to have a relationship.
Response: If you're enjoying your interactions, there's no need for this. But if the interactions are upsetting, it's best to switch over to observing objectively and managing the interaction. You aren't being cold; you're focusing on what helps you maintain emotional balance.
This keeps you from being drawn into a whirlpool of reactions that make things worse for everybody.
It might not go perfectly - we can all get overwhelmed by other people. But you'll feel more secure and a little calmer if you can do this, even a little bit. It's their distress, not yours. You might feel some of it, but you don't have to become as distressed as they are.
There's nothing right or wrong about thoughts. It isn't disrespectful to be realistic about people's emotional maturity levels. It isn't disloyal to have your own opinion.
Feeling guilty isn't an emergency. Observe what's going on and mentally describe it in words. Mental description helps move you into your more objective, logical areas. Another strategy is to count, or look at a clock and decide how much longer you're willing to listen. Then disengage. You can also talk kindly to yourself. Focus on the outcome instead of getting into the fray.
Practice being a little less nervous than usual. There's no pressure. You don't need their negativity. It's about freeing yourself from reacting.
Their emotion is probably about themselves and not a reflection of a desire to connect emotionally.
If you start slipping into a fantasy that you may be able to get the other person to change, you'll feel weak, vulnerable, apprehensive, and needy. This extremely unpleasant feeling of weakness is a signal to you that you need to shift out of responding emotionally and move back into observing mode.
If you find yourself becoming reactive, silently repeat to yourself: detach, detach, detach.
Make a point of consciously describing the other person in words, silently and to yourself. During a stressful interaction, this kind of mental narration can center and ground you. When you try to find the exact words to describe something, it helps redirect your brain's energy away from emotional reactivity. The same goes for getting control over your own emotional reactions. Silently narrating your own emotional reactions can give you that extra bit of objectivity that cools things down.
If the other person is still getting to you, find some way to put distance between you, disengage, excuse yourself. Use whatever you need to get away and get yourself back to a detached, observational mindset.
As you practice observing, you'll become stronger, and more confident in your ability to see what's really going on.
In this kind of relatedness, there's communication, but no goal of having a satisfying emotional exchange.
If you try to be emotionally open and honest with these people, you'll feel frustrated and invalidated. Save your energy for people who make an effort to understand you, and are capable of emotional reciprocity.
Estimating the emotional maturity level of a person you are interacting with is one of the best ways to take care of yourself in any interaction. Their behavior will be more predictable and make more sense.
(continued)
3 ways to deal with someone who turns out to be emotionally immature: 1. Express and then let go. 2. Focus on the outcome, not the relationship. 3. Manage, don't engage.
1. Explicitly say what you want to say in a non-judgemental way, but don't try to control the outcome. Realize the need for others to hear you. It is good practice to engage in clear, authentic communication. Others' responses don't matter. What matters is that you expressed your true thoughts and feelings in a calm, clear way. This is achievable and within your control.
2. Ask yourself what you're really trying to get from the other person in this interaction. Be honest. If your goal involves eliciting empathy, stop right there, and come up with a different goal - one that's specific and achievable. (Express yourself even though you're nervous.)
With emotionally mature people you can talk about your feelings honestly, and they'll share theirs as well.
3. Set a goal of managing duration and topics. You may need to redirect or avoid bait. Manage your own emotions by observing yourself rather than becoming reactive.
Concerns about using these approaches:
This sounds like a cold and unrewarding way to have a relationship.
Response: If you're enjoying your interactions, there's no need for this. But if the interactions are upsetting, it's best to switch over to observing objectively and managing the interaction. You aren't being cold; you're focusing on what helps you maintain emotional balance.
This keeps you from being drawn into a whirlpool of reactions that make things worse for everybody.
It might not go perfectly - we can all get overwhelmed by other people. But you'll feel more secure and a little calmer if you can do this, even a little bit. It's their distress, not yours. You might feel some of it, but you don't have to become as distressed as they are.
There's nothing right or wrong about thoughts. It isn't disrespectful to be realistic about people's emotional maturity levels. It isn't disloyal to have your own opinion.
Feeling guilty isn't an emergency. Observe what's going on and mentally describe it in words. Mental description helps move you into your more objective, logical areas. Another strategy is to count, or look at a clock and decide how much longer you're willing to listen. Then disengage. You can also talk kindly to yourself. Focus on the outcome instead of getting into the fray.
Practice being a little less nervous than usual. There's no pressure. You don't need their negativity. It's about freeing yourself from reacting.
Their emotion is probably about themselves and not a reflection of a desire to connect emotionally.
