life continues to be gentle and sad.
Jul. 29th, 2024 10:11 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
serafaeryHaving a tough time getting moving this morning, need to make the most of the next couple of days before three straight days of work and then a one day break before more sparklings continue.
PT was painful this morning, but I think we're making good progress.
Looking forward to therapy tomorrow, and silks, and otherwise just chill. Today is for chores and I need to squeeze in a workout shortly, might run to the gym and just do some cardio until my noon appt. I also want to keep reading - Sapolsky has some lovely things to say about the difficulty of navigating being a human that people just don't talk about. I will keep reading Determined but with the tears and struggles the last couple of days, I want to study his thoughts and experiences with depression, too.
I had to cancel my August lookout tower trip, I need to cancel the later one, too, I'm kidding myself that the wildfires will be under better control later in the month, that's not how it works. I am sad but trying to pivot - I need to figure out a gentle way to give myself a chance to be under the stars in clear skies at some point next month.
Otherwise, will keep working on the Wednesday dance and think about friendship nurturing. I haven't been doing well in that department, lately. I isolating is not good for me. Manders wants to do a photoshoot tomorrow but I am on the fence about it, the industrial area is just so gross, I don't like being there and I don't feel like having my photo taken right now. But she wants the support so maybe that's reason enough to do it anyway. I could bring the raven wings, it could be a fun contrast to the hideous cityscape. Could wear the black bodysuit, or just a lot of straps.
I miss my parents. I have slipped back into a place of fear about my future. I stopped buying things. I hate all of my clothes and again fantasize about setting everything in my entire closet on fire. (I won't. I still like my unicorn onesie.) I depend somewhat on Josh for financial stability, although I buy my own food and supplies and pay my own rent and run my own business, he still helps with things like trips and car maintenance and healthcare, and it makes me uncomfortable. I was happy with it for a while and now I am less so. I learned a long time ago, when mom started stealing from me in college, that I can only depend on myself financially, and leaning on him is really nice at times, but part of me is also always waiting for the support to collapse. My student debt still looms menacingly. The very best part is the healthcare Josh pays for via his insurance through work, it's so amazing being able to do therapy and PT and go to the doctor and get my teeth cleaned at a nice dental office and get my eyes checked without digging into my savings. I am endlessly grateful for this. I love the word "spouse" and treasure partnership with him so deeply. I just want to make sure I don't forget how to be okay on my own.
K should go ride the bike for a bit.
PT was painful this morning, but I think we're making good progress.
Looking forward to therapy tomorrow, and silks, and otherwise just chill. Today is for chores and I need to squeeze in a workout shortly, might run to the gym and just do some cardio until my noon appt. I also want to keep reading - Sapolsky has some lovely things to say about the difficulty of navigating being a human that people just don't talk about. I will keep reading Determined but with the tears and struggles the last couple of days, I want to study his thoughts and experiences with depression, too.
I had to cancel my August lookout tower trip, I need to cancel the later one, too, I'm kidding myself that the wildfires will be under better control later in the month, that's not how it works. I am sad but trying to pivot - I need to figure out a gentle way to give myself a chance to be under the stars in clear skies at some point next month.
Otherwise, will keep working on the Wednesday dance and think about friendship nurturing. I haven't been doing well in that department, lately. I isolating is not good for me. Manders wants to do a photoshoot tomorrow but I am on the fence about it, the industrial area is just so gross, I don't like being there and I don't feel like having my photo taken right now. But she wants the support so maybe that's reason enough to do it anyway. I could bring the raven wings, it could be a fun contrast to the hideous cityscape. Could wear the black bodysuit, or just a lot of straps.
I miss my parents. I have slipped back into a place of fear about my future. I stopped buying things. I hate all of my clothes and again fantasize about setting everything in my entire closet on fire. (I won't. I still like my unicorn onesie.) I depend somewhat on Josh for financial stability, although I buy my own food and supplies and pay my own rent and run my own business, he still helps with things like trips and car maintenance and healthcare, and it makes me uncomfortable. I was happy with it for a while and now I am less so. I learned a long time ago, when mom started stealing from me in college, that I can only depend on myself financially, and leaning on him is really nice at times, but part of me is also always waiting for the support to collapse. My student debt still looms menacingly. The very best part is the healthcare Josh pays for via his insurance through work, it's so amazing being able to do therapy and PT and go to the doctor and get my teeth cleaned at a nice dental office and get my eyes checked without digging into my savings. I am endlessly grateful for this. I love the word "spouse" and treasure partnership with him so deeply. I just want to make sure I don't forget how to be okay on my own.
K should go ride the bike for a bit.
