serafaery

it just feels so awful. there are moments of lightness, but they are so minuscule and fleeting and painfully brief. i tell myself over and over i have it so good, i have it better than most, there are so many beautiful things to focus on and be grateful for. i slow down, i pay attention to the beauty, and the pain just rushes all over the top of it in massive waves. they subside for a second and i grasp for gratitude again, it's there, there's always something glittering to smile about. but there is so so so much that isn't, it fades so fast.

just. so. sad.

my body is inflamed, i've been giving myself extra comfort food today after a solid week of super healthy anti-inflammatory food and zero junk, that just wasn't helping. i felt deprived and empty. so now i'm full of bread and butter and fruit and chocolate and i just feel terrible, no matter what.

not drinking.

don't even want drugs. of any kind. that just sounds horrible. an altered state would be even harder to tolerate.

i love to take showers but still can't coax myself to indulge in them more than 2x per week. it feels wasteful.

very tired.