In a lot of pain today.
Oct. 4th, 2024 06:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
serafaeryhad a perfectly okay day but I feel absolutely dismal. awful. unbelievably terrible. bleargh.
last night was too hard on me.
thought maybe some gratitude might help.
couldn't move or function after work. so drove to the park where my mom's memorial bench that I bought is. and sat there for a bit. I have a lot to process around her death. a customer just posted that her 96yo grandmother just died, peacefully, surrounded with family and love. We never had any deaths like that in my family. They have all been unspeakably painful, drawn out, lonely, disease-ridden, horrific deaths, in destitute circumstances. My grandmother died in the 90s. (My dad’s mom died before I was born.) There is never anything to inherit, there are never any services, there are no resources for such things, no support, no caring. There are not memories to share or gatherings of family to comfort one another or placeholders or honoring of lives. (Unless I purchase one - mom's park legacy bench that I purchased and designed the plaque for is the only such thing I am aware of in my family. My dad's ashes were dumped in a creek by his second wife/widow.) There is just endless loss. Forever. They steal from one another, they are dismissive and passive aggressively undermining and quietly cruel. (My dad was not cruel, just the victim of such behavior, which I think is part of why he died so young.) Or they are loudly cruel, but inconsistently, with scatterings of affection that make one think there is love in there somewhere. There was. Somewhere.
It's a hard place to come from. Every time I see someone experience a good death, I am bitterly envious.
I have a lot of processing and healing that I need to do around this. I am walking around less than half a person, carrying so much death and loss that nobody else is aware of or cares about. With nothing to show for it.
But. My customers were so nice, today. All short very difficult to tie hair, but I am experienced enough in sparkling to handle it. And they are very grateful. It's sweet.
It rained all day. It felt cleansing. But also very draining. But when I got out of the studio finally, the sun was out and trying to sparkle. It will be sunny this weekend also. Yay.
The park was nice, if a little chilly.
A sweet black lab came to say hello. Very soft. I do not hate every dog I see anymore, even though my wrist is still injured from the dog that attacked my cat, and I need to figure out who to see about it. I have a weird swelling that is keeping me from doing handstands and pushups and anything that requires wrist pressure.
As I walked out of the park, I veered toward a rogue sage bush that I am aware of, and plucked a small stem for myself. I turned the corner and also snagged some rosemary, and then realized as I walked away that I was standing under a fig tree, with ripe figs within reach. So I snacked on three lovely fresh green figs. Such beautiful sweetness on a difficultly painful October evening.
I let myself eat chips with my healthy fish when I got home, I've been comfort eating a bit but hopefully not *too* much. I feel heavy and overfed and need to work on cutting down my calorie intake. I will cook myself some more of my chanterelles that I gathered on Wednesday for breakfast tomorrow.
One thing I forgot to mention - there were deer at the top of Saddle Mountain. I have climbed that mountain probably a dozen times and I have never seen deer up there. I have seen them on the road below. But, maybe they are there because it is hunting season? I have never hiked Saddle Mountain in October before. These were two young bucks, one from this year and one a year or two older. I read about how younger bucks will bond and sometimes create small herds of their own for safety, counter to the old belief that they are solitary. That doesn't happen until they get more mature and want to start looking for their own herd. Anyway. They know they are safe on the mountain. It is protected. They were beautiful. I hope they continue to stay safe.
I feel the earth sing sweet music of gratitude to me for choosing not to bring any more humans into the world. Especially in moments when I commune with nature. But I need to release judgement around others who have chosen the opposite. Especially those who have chosen to have multiple. I can only control my own behavior. How do I square the need to celebrate my own choice without judging others for what I consider to be the most harmful action one could possibly take on the environment. I consider this a direct attack on the planet that I care for and revere. If one is a developed-world human. But I also understand that it is "natural" and a very strong biological drive, that I never felt pulled by. I never had the resources to even consider what it would be like to create offspring. And I had access to cheap birth control (that destroyed my health for 28 years, but I digress).
One day I will learn not to hate myself so much, and then I can stop judging others so harshly, too. I want this to end. I want to love everyone. But I can't bring myself to turn that feeling inward. At least, not on days like this.
Avalanche helps. She purrs louder than my pain.
last night was too hard on me.
thought maybe some gratitude might help.
couldn't move or function after work. so drove to the park where my mom's memorial bench that I bought is. and sat there for a bit. I have a lot to process around her death. a customer just posted that her 96yo grandmother just died, peacefully, surrounded with family and love. We never had any deaths like that in my family. They have all been unspeakably painful, drawn out, lonely, disease-ridden, horrific deaths, in destitute circumstances. My grandmother died in the 90s. (My dad’s mom died before I was born.) There is never anything to inherit, there are never any services, there are no resources for such things, no support, no caring. There are not memories to share or gatherings of family to comfort one another or placeholders or honoring of lives. (Unless I purchase one - mom's park legacy bench that I purchased and designed the plaque for is the only such thing I am aware of in my family. My dad's ashes were dumped in a creek by his second wife/widow.) There is just endless loss. Forever. They steal from one another, they are dismissive and passive aggressively undermining and quietly cruel. (My dad was not cruel, just the victim of such behavior, which I think is part of why he died so young.) Or they are loudly cruel, but inconsistently, with scatterings of affection that make one think there is love in there somewhere. There was. Somewhere.
It's a hard place to come from. Every time I see someone experience a good death, I am bitterly envious.
I have a lot of processing and healing that I need to do around this. I am walking around less than half a person, carrying so much death and loss that nobody else is aware of or cares about. With nothing to show for it.
But. My customers were so nice, today. All short very difficult to tie hair, but I am experienced enough in sparkling to handle it. And they are very grateful. It's sweet.
It rained all day. It felt cleansing. But also very draining. But when I got out of the studio finally, the sun was out and trying to sparkle. It will be sunny this weekend also. Yay.
The park was nice, if a little chilly.
A sweet black lab came to say hello. Very soft. I do not hate every dog I see anymore, even though my wrist is still injured from the dog that attacked my cat, and I need to figure out who to see about it. I have a weird swelling that is keeping me from doing handstands and pushups and anything that requires wrist pressure.
As I walked out of the park, I veered toward a rogue sage bush that I am aware of, and plucked a small stem for myself. I turned the corner and also snagged some rosemary, and then realized as I walked away that I was standing under a fig tree, with ripe figs within reach. So I snacked on three lovely fresh green figs. Such beautiful sweetness on a difficultly painful October evening.
I let myself eat chips with my healthy fish when I got home, I've been comfort eating a bit but hopefully not *too* much. I feel heavy and overfed and need to work on cutting down my calorie intake. I will cook myself some more of my chanterelles that I gathered on Wednesday for breakfast tomorrow.
One thing I forgot to mention - there were deer at the top of Saddle Mountain. I have climbed that mountain probably a dozen times and I have never seen deer up there. I have seen them on the road below. But, maybe they are there because it is hunting season? I have never hiked Saddle Mountain in October before. These were two young bucks, one from this year and one a year or two older. I read about how younger bucks will bond and sometimes create small herds of their own for safety, counter to the old belief that they are solitary. That doesn't happen until they get more mature and want to start looking for their own herd. Anyway. They know they are safe on the mountain. It is protected. They were beautiful. I hope they continue to stay safe.
I feel the earth sing sweet music of gratitude to me for choosing not to bring any more humans into the world. Especially in moments when I commune with nature. But I need to release judgement around others who have chosen the opposite. Especially those who have chosen to have multiple. I can only control my own behavior. How do I square the need to celebrate my own choice without judging others for what I consider to be the most harmful action one could possibly take on the environment. I consider this a direct attack on the planet that I care for and revere. If one is a developed-world human. But I also understand that it is "natural" and a very strong biological drive, that I never felt pulled by. I never had the resources to even consider what it would be like to create offspring. And I had access to cheap birth control (that destroyed my health for 28 years, but I digress).
One day I will learn not to hate myself so much, and then I can stop judging others so harshly, too. I want this to end. I want to love everyone. But I can't bring myself to turn that feeling inward. At least, not on days like this.
Avalanche helps. She purrs louder than my pain.
