slow hands sunday
Nov. 3rd, 2024 03:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
serafaeryfeeling so much better after a looooong bike ride, and several slices of freshly baked pumpkin pie from scratch. local organic farmed pumpkins even. oat flour crust. local honey, it only needed a tiny bit, the pumpkins are so sweet.
was sobbing on the ride up to rocky butte, the first hour I was really distraught and sad. But by the time I got to the top of the mountain, my head was starting to clear and my tears were starting to dry.
It's just hard. I miss my dad. I for some reason kept thinking about our last hug. He didn't want to let go. He knew. I did not know, at the time. I was such a young, lost, confused, hurt creature back then, I didn't know how to handle the fact that he was dying. I still don't. It's not something I'll ever recover from.
Same with mom's death, but it was ten times worse.
Same with grandma and grandma, with Madoc and Kara, with Delores and Dave, with so many others.
People were leaving church, which always upsets me, the fact that people are religious upsets me, sorry. I feel like the reason they drive so carelessly next to my bike is because they figure if they accidentally kill me, they're just sending me to heaven anyway so who cares. Religion makes people value life less. I have witnessed this. Not all religious folks. But most of them. They have this haughtiness. As if they're above mortality. They are wrong. And it angers me, because it makes them treat me poorly. In general. They treat life poorly. I am not here to tell people what to believe. But I am also allowed to feel what I feel. And believing in life after death is like believing in Santa, it's childish and self-deluding and cowardly. I am here for truth. This is all we have, and we need to be awake and present for it.
There was so much astonishing magic, witnessed on my bike ride, today. The colors of the leaves are indescribable. I was awestruck countless times. I didn't even try to take photos. Big grins from the miraculous beauty of it all. The fact that it wasn't raining, and the temps are mild today (mid 50s), little wind, so gentle. Such a rare dry November day, so precious. I'm not angry anymore when I see dogs, that feels much nicer. And of course any leftover Halloween decor gives me such raised spirits. Random skeletons and pumpkins and spiders and bats hanging out on porches, yes please thank you. Witches and ghosts and tombstones, yaaaaay.
Crows from various neighborhoods I've lived followed me and flew along next to me on my bike, until I stopped and tossed them treats.
Found a random pair of huge amanita muscaria mushroom - fly agaric, the "alice in wonderland" red mushrooms with white spots, at the base of a random sidestrip tree. what are they doing there? There are more coming. So random, so pretty.
I put Interpol on my phone for the ride, it was so comforting, I haven't listened to them in at least a decade, maybe two, it just hit the exact right place emotionally. Alt rock is not usually my favorite but they have an emotional quality that hits just right, at least right now, in this soft overcast late autumn world.
...
After way too much thought, I think I will just tell Finley that I'm not interested in anything beyond cuddles right now, and if he wants to get into why, I can just be superficial about it, no big deal. I can just say I don't feel like it. I don't want to make it into some big thing. There's no point, this is just the way he is, I'm not going to change him or how he treats me. I feel like if he's not going to share his world or heart with me, I don't want to share what's going on in mine, either. He can be left in the dark also, since that seems to be where he likes to leave others. I'm sure there are plenty of much hotter, younger, sluttier things who are more than happy to get sexy with him without any deep care or attention, he can go do that, he doesn't need me for that. If he still wants to be friends, great! If he keeps withdrawing, then his loss, honestly. I am tired of waiting around for leftover scraps of attention. I will look for others to connect with who might actually want to make time for me. Who might be willing to make a little effort, or at least meet me halfway.
The endless struggle, to find people who will bother to make any room at all for me in their lives.
...
Going to go make some healthy, nourishing food for myself, now that I'm finally hungry. Fed Josh more protein pasta and veggies, time for some protein for me.
...
Need to try to make it to the store later. We are out of several essentials. I am so grateful for the day off, the gentle slow restorative pace of it. (I offered to sparkle today but nobody took me up on it, I am so glad!) I might beat this cold, it is scratching at my throat a little, but so far that's all.
...
Yeah but nobody searches
Nobody cares somehow
When the loving that you've wasted
Comes raining from a hapless cloud
And I might stop and look upon your face
Disappear in the sweet, sweet gaze
See the living that surrounds me (yesterday)
Dissipate in a violet place
Can't you see what you've done to my heart
And soul?
This is a wasteland now
was sobbing on the ride up to rocky butte, the first hour I was really distraught and sad. But by the time I got to the top of the mountain, my head was starting to clear and my tears were starting to dry.
It's just hard. I miss my dad. I for some reason kept thinking about our last hug. He didn't want to let go. He knew. I did not know, at the time. I was such a young, lost, confused, hurt creature back then, I didn't know how to handle the fact that he was dying. I still don't. It's not something I'll ever recover from.
Same with mom's death, but it was ten times worse.
Same with grandma and grandma, with Madoc and Kara, with Delores and Dave, with so many others.
People were leaving church, which always upsets me, the fact that people are religious upsets me, sorry. I feel like the reason they drive so carelessly next to my bike is because they figure if they accidentally kill me, they're just sending me to heaven anyway so who cares. Religion makes people value life less. I have witnessed this. Not all religious folks. But most of them. They have this haughtiness. As if they're above mortality. They are wrong. And it angers me, because it makes them treat me poorly. In general. They treat life poorly. I am not here to tell people what to believe. But I am also allowed to feel what I feel. And believing in life after death is like believing in Santa, it's childish and self-deluding and cowardly. I am here for truth. This is all we have, and we need to be awake and present for it.
There was so much astonishing magic, witnessed on my bike ride, today. The colors of the leaves are indescribable. I was awestruck countless times. I didn't even try to take photos. Big grins from the miraculous beauty of it all. The fact that it wasn't raining, and the temps are mild today (mid 50s), little wind, so gentle. Such a rare dry November day, so precious. I'm not angry anymore when I see dogs, that feels much nicer. And of course any leftover Halloween decor gives me such raised spirits. Random skeletons and pumpkins and spiders and bats hanging out on porches, yes please thank you. Witches and ghosts and tombstones, yaaaaay.
Crows from various neighborhoods I've lived followed me and flew along next to me on my bike, until I stopped and tossed them treats.
Found a random pair of huge amanita muscaria mushroom - fly agaric, the "alice in wonderland" red mushrooms with white spots, at the base of a random sidestrip tree. what are they doing there? There are more coming. So random, so pretty.
I put Interpol on my phone for the ride, it was so comforting, I haven't listened to them in at least a decade, maybe two, it just hit the exact right place emotionally. Alt rock is not usually my favorite but they have an emotional quality that hits just right, at least right now, in this soft overcast late autumn world.
...
After way too much thought, I think I will just tell Finley that I'm not interested in anything beyond cuddles right now, and if he wants to get into why, I can just be superficial about it, no big deal. I can just say I don't feel like it. I don't want to make it into some big thing. There's no point, this is just the way he is, I'm not going to change him or how he treats me. I feel like if he's not going to share his world or heart with me, I don't want to share what's going on in mine, either. He can be left in the dark also, since that seems to be where he likes to leave others. I'm sure there are plenty of much hotter, younger, sluttier things who are more than happy to get sexy with him without any deep care or attention, he can go do that, he doesn't need me for that. If he still wants to be friends, great! If he keeps withdrawing, then his loss, honestly. I am tired of waiting around for leftover scraps of attention. I will look for others to connect with who might actually want to make time for me. Who might be willing to make a little effort, or at least meet me halfway.
The endless struggle, to find people who will bother to make any room at all for me in their lives.
...
Going to go make some healthy, nourishing food for myself, now that I'm finally hungry. Fed Josh more protein pasta and veggies, time for some protein for me.
...
Need to try to make it to the store later. We are out of several essentials. I am so grateful for the day off, the gentle slow restorative pace of it. (I offered to sparkle today but nobody took me up on it, I am so glad!) I might beat this cold, it is scratching at my throat a little, but so far that's all.
...
Yeah but nobody searches
Nobody cares somehow
When the loving that you've wasted
Comes raining from a hapless cloud
And I might stop and look upon your face
Disappear in the sweet, sweet gaze
See the living that surrounds me (yesterday)
Dissipate in a violet place
Can't you see what you've done to my heart
And soul?
This is a wasteland now
