tears and swollen fingers.
Nov. 12th, 2024 07:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
serafaerydid the floors finally, scrubbed the sinks and shower and tub, it felt nice to take a shower in a glistening clean bathroom.
I want to cook chicken and pumpkin chili and bake pumpkin bread for Josh but I also want to lie down and do nothing. I am clean and my hair is wet and I'm sipping tea and don't want to move.
Failed to make any doctor appts, again. I'll try again tomorrow. I need to call my distant cousin in Texas back, also, I keep missing his calls. He says he is one of my dad's sister's kids so I guess that makes us cousins. His name is Tom O'Connor, I like that name. (The first person I fell in love with had a last name of O'Connor. I have a thing for Irishness, Tyler is also half Irish - the other half is Sicilian, so I mean, rawr. Dark hair, fair skin, green eyes, yes please.) I don't blame anyone for not reaching out to us before, he apologized for this, but I know dad was ostracized from the family so why would they reach out to his kids. We never reached out either.
There is part of me that wants to go retreat to a small midwestern town and never emerge. I think this is the part of me that is ravaged by menopause and doesn't want to generally do anything but hide and look at leaves and clouds and birds and flowers and pet cats and drink coffee call it good. That can be enough. Can't it. Read a book here or there. Go for walks during sunrises and sunsets, gaze at the moon. Grow herbs. Cook soup. Bake cookies for the neighbors. Life doesn't need anything fancier than that.
My poor hands. Osteoarthritis is already starting to show. It's just so sad. I wish I had family left to comfort me, who had already been through this. With the same genetics. They would understand.
Tyler was very sympathetic about the lost china set, when I described it to him. He can be so kind. I love him so. He has a hard time saying it back, when I wrap my arms around him and squeeze tight and insist, "I love you SO MUCH," he returns it soft and held back, but he does say it. Unlike Finley.
I want to cook chicken and pumpkin chili and bake pumpkin bread for Josh but I also want to lie down and do nothing. I am clean and my hair is wet and I'm sipping tea and don't want to move.
Failed to make any doctor appts, again. I'll try again tomorrow. I need to call my distant cousin in Texas back, also, I keep missing his calls. He says he is one of my dad's sister's kids so I guess that makes us cousins. His name is Tom O'Connor, I like that name. (The first person I fell in love with had a last name of O'Connor. I have a thing for Irishness, Tyler is also half Irish - the other half is Sicilian, so I mean, rawr. Dark hair, fair skin, green eyes, yes please.) I don't blame anyone for not reaching out to us before, he apologized for this, but I know dad was ostracized from the family so why would they reach out to his kids. We never reached out either.
There is part of me that wants to go retreat to a small midwestern town and never emerge. I think this is the part of me that is ravaged by menopause and doesn't want to generally do anything but hide and look at leaves and clouds and birds and flowers and pet cats and drink coffee call it good. That can be enough. Can't it. Read a book here or there. Go for walks during sunrises and sunsets, gaze at the moon. Grow herbs. Cook soup. Bake cookies for the neighbors. Life doesn't need anything fancier than that.
My poor hands. Osteoarthritis is already starting to show. It's just so sad. I wish I had family left to comfort me, who had already been through this. With the same genetics. They would understand.
Tyler was very sympathetic about the lost china set, when I described it to him. He can be so kind. I love him so. He has a hard time saying it back, when I wrap my arms around him and squeeze tight and insist, "I love you SO MUCH," he returns it soft and held back, but he does say it. Unlike Finley.
no subject
Date: 2024-11-13 04:18 am (UTC)What a lovely, calm sequence of sense impressions.
As someone who does live in a (not so small) Midwestern city, it is somewhat comforting to be here, but it's not unlike the Shire--I know the shadows will come here eventually, too.
But you are right: life doesn't need fancy finery or great social adventure. Sometimes holding onto a sense of peace, growing it until its strong and unyielding, is the best we can do with our time.
Any love is worth more now. I'm glad that at least one of your hearts is reflecting back.